Walks With Benny

Today I had a conversation with a friend about grief and loss. It’s been difficult to lose Benny physically, but when you lose a child so young, there’s also a loss associated with their future. I had so many dreams and hopes for our angel boy’s life. … Read More >January 6, 2021 – Faith it ‘til I make it

Over the last few days, I’ve realized that sometimes it’s the smallest things that are the hardest for me to cope with when it comes to losing Benny. Overall I think I’m doing pretty well, especially when it comes to the big picture. But then something small happens and everything gets turned upside down again in ways I didn’t expect. … Read More >January 4, 2021 – It’s the small things

One thing I’ve realized through this experience is that my heart is capable of feeling way more emotion than I’d ever before thought – in good ways and in bad. I’ve also come to recognize how my heart feels a bit delicate right now and any addition of emotion can put me over the edge. … Read More >January 3, 2021 – We’re there for each other

Goodness, I was unprepared for last night. I think because Christmas wasn’t as difficult as we expected (probably because we were over-prepared for it to be a hard day) I didn’t in any way think New Year’s Eve would be difficult. I couldn’t have been more wrong. … Read More >January 1, 2021 – Auld Lang Syne

It’s been nice being in Burley and having the opportunity to visit Benny’s grave. I’m grateful his tiny body is here, surrounded by family. But as I’ve gone to “visit” him, I’ve felt something different than I think most parents feel at their children’s graves. In fact, I haven’t really felt anything. … Read More >December 30, 2020 – This journey is my own

We feel so grateful to have the blessing of ongoing revelation to help us deal with, learn from, grow through, and bless the lives of others as a result of this experience. … Read More >December 30 – In His own time, in His own way

Today we came to Idaho to visit Tom’s mom for the holidays. We stopped at Benny’s grave and as we walked over to where his little body was buried, I couldn’t help but think of the last time we were here, which was for his graveside service. It feels like it was yesterday but also somehow like it was a lifetime ago. Goodness, so much seems to have changed since then. … Read More >December 28, 2020 – Six weeks

Today I felt like I was able to actually be a good mom to Isaac and Zoey. Certainly not a perfect mom, but a better mom than I have been as I’ve struggled since we lost Benny. But does that mean I didn’t think of Benny enough? … Read More >December 27, 2020 – A bittersweet roller coaster

We made it through a big “first” today. Two I guess. Benny’s first Christmas and our first Christmas without Benny. We’ve heard people talk about how difficult many of the “firsts” are, so we were preparing our hearts and minds for a really tough day. … Read More >December 25, 2020 – The first Christmas

Life is hard and losing Benny has felt like more than I can bear. But, the Lord won’t give us trials beyond our capabilities and strength, right? So how can I make sense of all this? … Read More >December 23, 2020 – More than we can bear