It’s amazing how the tiniest of things can throw me into a tailspin these days and feel like more than I can bear. Walking past the baby section at a store. Seeing an advertisement for baby bottles. Finding a basket of Benny’s toys in the closet. Somehow these insignificant things stir such deep emotions in me ever since Benny passed away.
Last night as I was getting ready for bed, I realized that I’d lost one of my necklaces. I’ve had a couple friends gift me some beautiful and touching necklaces recently in memory of my sweet boy, and I wear them every single day. But last night I realized that one of them was missing. I keep them high up on my dresser, away from where the babies can reach them and where I know they’ll be safe. But unfortunately, as I took them off last night before bed, I realized one was gone. I’m not sure if it fell, if it somehow got vacuumed up when cleaning, if Isaac somehow reached it, if it fell off while I was wearing it. I just don’t know. All I knew is it was gone. And I came apart.
I started sobbing and shaking. For a good little while. I couldn’t even say our nightly couple’s prayer with Tom, even though it was my turn, because of how torn up I was. I fully realized my reaction was a bit dramatic for only losing a necklace, but it meant so much to me and my heart broke that I’d lost it. I somehow felt like less of a friend to the kind soul who gifted it to me. I felt like a failure and a mess. So many emotions overcame me in those moments.
I started searching and searching to find the necklace. I prayed to Heavenly Father to help me remember where I’d put it or help me know where it was. I asked Him for a miracle, because I really wanted one and I knew He was capable of providing one. After I prayed, I even approached my sweet Benny and asked for his help to find the necklace. Unfortunately, I felt him tell me that the necklace was gone and probably wouldn’t be found. As I’ve learned in the past, don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to! That made my heart break even more. I really wanted to find my necklace because losing it felt unbearable.
As I went to bed, I tried to process why I’d had such a strong reaction to losing my necklace. I mean, I’ve lost plenty of things in the past but never made such a royal case of it. And then I realized how losing my necklace reminded me, in a weird way, of losing my son. Feeling like I’ve lost so much lately. Whether it be a necklace or a child, I’m just struggling to process loss right now. It all feels so intense and heart-breaking. I’m not sure I can lose even one more thing. It’s just more than I can bear.
I’ve been thinking about this throughout the day (still looking but haven’t found the necklace though unfortunately), and tonight I had a conversation with a friend who told me (as I’ve heard so many times throughout my life and especially in recent weeks) that the Lord won’t give us any trials that are beyond our abilities and strength and what we can bear. I think there is comfort in this statement and in believing that we can make it through whatever life (or the Lord) chooses to throw our way. But, as I’ve thought about it more and put it in the context of my current situation, I think I’ve realized that we absolutely will go through experiences in this life that are more than we can bear and beyond our abilities and strength. Losing a child, in my opinion, is one of those experiences. This is 100% beyond what, as a human mama, I feel capable of handling. So how does that fit with the religious tenet, as reiterated in the scriptures, that the Lord won’t give us more than we can handle?
It’s because we need Him. He is the one with the strength that will get us through the experiences that are unbearable and beyond our own mortal capability. On our own, we don’t really stand a chance. The struggles of this mortal life will certainly break us down. But with His help, we can make it through. We can overcome. We even have the potential to somehow come out stronger on the other side. But the key to it all is remembering that we need Him. We can’t do it without Him.
With this in mind, I dove into my scriptures tonight to find verses that supported this idea. It was actually quite exhilarating and uplifting to find verse after verse that spoke to my heart and reminded me that I could rely on the Lord to make it through this challenge of losing my son. I’m sure this is only scratching the surface, but here are some I found:
“Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time:
Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.” 1 Peter 5:6-7
“That they should seek the Lord, if haply they might feel after him, and find him, though he be not far from every one of us: For in him we live, and move, and have our being…” Acts 17:27-28
“Wherefore, be of good cheer, and do not fear, for I the Lord am with you, and will stand by you…” Doctrine and Covenants 68:6
“I am the vine, ye are the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me ye can do nothing.” John 15:5
“Our soul is escaped as a bird out of the snare of the fowlers: the snare is broken, and we are escaped.
Our help is in the name of the Lord, who made heaven and earth.” Psalms 124:7-8
“But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:19
“The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? … For in the time of trouble he shall hide me in his pavilion: in the secret of his tabernacle shall he hide me; he shall set me up upon a rock.” Psalms 27:1, 5
“And inasmuch as ye are humble and faithful and call upon my name, behold, I will give you the victory.” Doctrine and Covenants 104:82
“Every word of God is pure: he is a shield unto them that put their trust in him.” Proverbs 30:5
“Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life.” 2 Nephi 31:20
“…for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.
So that we may boldly say, The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do unto me.” Hebrews 13:6-7
“And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
“And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness: I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.” Ether 12:27
“Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee: he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved.” Psalms 55:22
“For in that he himself hath suffered being tempted, he is able to succor them that are tempted.” Hebrews 2:18
“For whatsoever is born of God overcometh the world: and this is the victory that overcometh the world, even our faith. Who is he that overcometh the world, but he that believeth that Jesus is the Son of God?” 1 John 5:4-5
“Wherefore gird up the loins of your mind, be sober, and hope to the end for the grace that is to be brought unto you at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” 1 Peter 1:13
“Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompence of reward.
For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise.” Hebrews 10:35-36
“Wherefore, I am in your midst, and I am the good shepherd, and the stone of Israel. He that buildeth upon this rock shall never fall.” Doctrine and Covenants 50:44
“Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord.” Psalms 27:13
“But if ye will turn to the Lord with full purpose of heart, and put your trust in him, and serve him with all diligence of mind, if ye do this, he will, according to his own will and pleasure, deliver you out of bondage.” Mosiah 7:33
“But the salvation of the righteous is of the Lord: he is their strength in the time of trouble.” Psalms 37:39
“…Look unto God with firmness of mind, and pray unto him with exceeding faith, and he will console you in your afflictions…” Jacob 3:1
“But behold, I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance.” 1 Nephi 1:20
“Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you: But rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ’s sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy.” 1 Peter 4:12-13
Life isn’t easy. Losing my sweet Benny has at times felt like more than I could bear. I think that’s because it is. As Peter says in the scripture above, the death of our angel boy certainly feels like a “fiery trial.” But because of my Savior, and through His help, I can be strengthened to bear it. I have felt that so many times over the past month. On my own – no way. With His help – somehow I’ve got this. With Him, I can “be glad also with exceeding joy.”
I think the Savior Himself reminded us best when He said:
“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart, and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)
If we come unto Him, as we’re reminded throughout the scriptures to do, our burdens can be made light. Our souls can find rest. Goodness, my heart could use a rest these days. The burden of losing our Benny is so heavy. It weighs on us in ways that are unimaginable. But through it all, we’ve felt the comforting, sustaining, and strengthening presence of our Savior. We’ve seen as He’s sent others to stand by us, and pray for us, and cry with us in our grief, all of which has lifted the burden from our shoulders in ways we couldn’t have done ourselves.
So, as much as I want to think that the Lord won’t give me more than I can bear, I’ve come to recognize that puts the focus way too much on myself. Strong as I try to be, I’m just not that strong. None of us are. If we rely wholly upon our own strength, this cold and cruel world will break us down and tear us apart. We really don’t stand a chance. But if we’re willing to turn to Him and rely wholly upon His merits—upon Him who is might to save—we can rise above the challenges of this life. And not only rise above them, but conquer them victoriously and find beauty and peace and even joy as we do.
I can’t do it by myself. We can’t do it by ourselves. We’re not that strong. But He is. He has proven through His unparalleled life and redeeming sacrifice that He is. He selflessly descended below all things so He could know how to succor us in our trials. He is there for us. Always has been and always will be. I know that with all my heart and I’ve seen it throughout my life. He is perfect and loving and good. We can trust Him. I trust Him. Because I want to make it through this. I want to live the rest of my life in the light and peace and joy that only He offers. I believe it’s possible. I know that it’s possible. And, I know it’s what my sweet Benny would want.
Tiff, I’ve thought about this a lot! I grew up thinking that He wouldn’t give us more than we could handle, but like you mention, I too have learned recently that He gives us what we need to get through those things we couldn’t have handled without Him! Oh how I wish we didn’t have to go through such hard things, and I’m sure what you are going through is the hardest – I can’t imagine anything harder, but also like you said, we can do hard things with Him by our side! Someday, somehow He will wipe away all tears! I have faith in that! I love you so much!