We made it through a big “first” today. Two I guess. Benny’s first Christmas and our first Christmas without Benny. We’ve heard people talk about how difficult many of the “firsts” are, so we were preparing our hearts and minds for a really tough day. Maybe because of that, it didn’t quite feel as bad as we were expecting.
Don’t get me wrong – we certainly had our moments. Like last night when we pulled out our matching Christmas jammies and I saw the little plaid footed onesie that was no longer needed. My heart broke and the tears definitely came. Or like this morning when we were all cuddling in bed, listening to Christmas music and it felt like someone was missing. Tears then, too. Or when we wrapped all the gifts and I found the things we’d bought for Benny that he wouldn’t be opening anymore. So many tears. We’ve certainly had some tough moments since we lost our angel boy, especially as it relates to what would have been his first Christmas. But all in all, we made it through this pretty significant “first” today and I’m really grateful that somehow we’re doing okay.
Last night and today we’ve felt our angel boy so close. I actually slept in his room last night to feel some of the peace that I knew my heart needed with this challenging “first” Christmas. When I woke up this morning, before everyone else, our home was quiet and peaceful and I loved feeling like Benny was there. Then, I looked out the window and noticed a bright, sparkling star in the sky. It was incredible and reminded me of another “first” Christmas morning. Another unexpected, challenging, surely tear-filled “first” Christmas that changed the world. I’m still not entirely sure what star this was (I even tried using the stargazing app Tom and I use often), but for me, it was the perfect way to start this “first” Christmas for our family, as I remembered the actual first Christmas when our Savior was born and another bright star lit the sky. What a tender mercy I felt it was, from the One whose birth this holiday commemorates.
On our way to visit my parents tonight, we stopped by the Draper temple (since they live across the street) because I wanted a few quiet moments with my boy, in a place of light and goodness where I knew he’d feel comfortable. It was wonderful to feel him there, and there was a beautiful sunset. I don’t think that was a coincidence.
As I told Benny I missed him, he reassured me he missed me too but he was so grateful we had Christmas together. He also reminded me that this actually was the most wonderful Christmas ever because we have each other. Because we know each other now. Because we are an eternal family because of the gospel and our temple sealing. He couldn’t have been more right and these were just the reminders I needed to see that indeed this was one of the most wonderful Christmases we’ve ever had.
It feels absurd to say that, because it’s also been our most difficult Christmas ever. Sometimes I even feel guilty saying that, or I feel like people are judging me for still feeling the joy of the holidays even though my son is gone. But it’s true. It’s been tough, but it’s also been beautiful. Funny how those two things often go together – our greatest joy comes after (or somehow through) our biggest trials. Losing Benny has certainly been our biggest trial, but through it we’ve felt some of our greatest peace as well.
As he always is, Benny was right – this Christmas is wonderful because we have each other. Goodness am I grateful for that. I feel so blessed to know my angel Benny. He was kind of “with” us last Christmas when I was pregnant with him. (It actually felt weird to not wear my “Oh Deer! I’m Pregnant!” shirt this year – this is the first time in four years I haven’t worn it!)
But even last Christmas, I didn’t really know my angel boy like I do now. Like I did for the five months of his angel life. Like I continue to when I feel him close to me. What a blessing knowing him is and has been. His angelic little personality. His calming demeanor. His tender and sensitive heart. His bright, warm smile. He was—and is—such a blessing to all of us. Especially to me as his mama. Most days I can’t believe I was the lucky one chosen by the Lord to be Benny’s earthly mom. I’m pretty sure I didn’t deserve him, but there isn’t a day that’s gone by that I haven’t thanked the Lord for somehow thinking I was. Our angel Benny had the most wonderful light and he continues to fill us with his light because he is a forever part of our family.
Because of Christmas—because of Christ—we will always have each other. That knowledge from the Prince of Peace has brought me so much comfort lately. Christmas definitely had the potential to be difficult for our family from now on, because it’s when we lost our angel boy. But as I said in my previous post, instead it’s become a sweet and tender time for our family filled with more love and peace than ever before. I’m so grateful for that.
I’m grateful that because of a baby born in Bethlehem, I will get to see my baby again. There’s no greater gift I could have this Christmas, and it’s all because of Him. Him whose birth we celebrate. Him who gave His life for us. Him who has dried my tears and soothed my pain and started to heal my broken mama heart. I’m so grateful for Him. Our Father’s perfect Son who marked the path for me to be reunited with my angel son again someday. My heart about bursts when I think about it.
I can’t wait until that day comes and I can hug my angel Benny again. What a joyous reunion it will be. But until then, I’ll take more days like today where I feel him there, right by my side, reminding me of the joy we can still share together at this time of the year and always.
So, we made it through this significant “first” – but I know there are many more to come. This journey is certainly not over and it continues to be a whirlwind that we never could have predicted or even really prepared for. The emotions are still right there and the tears often come without warning. Amidst it all though, we’ve definitely felt the joy and happiness that is unique to this time of year, and it’s helped fill the holes left in our hearts at the loss of our sweet boy.
This year will be a tough one to look back on as we remember it as the year we lost our angel son. But more than that, it will be the year we look back on and remember the goodness of neighbors, of friends, of family, of even strangers who showered us with service and made us feel loved in a way we didn’t know was possible. We’ll also remember it as the year we felt our Benny closer than we ever have. We’ll remember it as the year we found and were given light—both literally and figuratively—during our darkest moments. And because of all of this, we’ll remember it as the year we’ve also felt our Savior closer than ever before. Our Savior – the reason for this season. Odd as it sounds, I’m grateful for the way this experience has re-focused our intentions of this season back to Him. Back to the reason for it all. Back to what matters most. In all the most beautiful ways.
Goodness, our sweet Benny was right – this really has been the most wonderful “first” Christmas ever.
