This morning the kids and I took a walk while Tom was attending bishopric meetings. The kids did fairly well, so it gave me time to reflect and feel like I could have my walk with them and Benny. It was a beautiful morning – full of sunshine and warmth. I was feeling better than yesterday, which I was immensely grateful for. But, my heart was still heavy whenever I really thought about things.
As we walked, I couldn’t help but notice the beautiful flowers and plants. Utah is heading into the heart of winter right now, so the trees and flowers have been gone for a while. I absolutely love flowers and trees and the beauties that exist in nature, so it’s been great to be in sunny Arizona and enjoy those things here. It’s also interesting to me how different the vegetation is from one state to another. Arizona feels like the epitome of a desert climate and landscape, with cactus plans and “zero-scaped” yards everywhere. The cactus plants have especially caught my eye this week, probably because they are so different than what I’m used to in Utah.
A few days ago, we went to a nature park and reserve in Scottsdale. (We’ve actually been there a couple times, because it was so beautiful.) Our first time there, we followed a trail that was thankfully stroller-friendly and meant to be educational. There were little plaques throughout the trail that explained different facts about the vegetation, as well as some of the history of the land and culture itself. It felt nice to not only enjoy the landscape and sunshine, but also to learn and expand our understanding of this great area.
The plaque that explained the cactus plants was particularly interesting to us. We learned that cactus plants survive using what’s called the adaptation technique. They adapt to their circumstances. The center of a cactus is actually wood, just like a regular tree. Who knew? And, whenever the cactus gets water, its roots soak the water up and it finds its way deep into the core to be stored for the future. The water inside is then further protected by the green, waxy skin of the plant as it forms a protective barrier to keep the water from escaping and keep the plant cool in the extreme heat. Honestly, it’s incredible. These plants that have always struck me as a little odd and not so pretty are actually quite amazing. They know just how to store up the water and nutrients they need so when the heat and drought come, which they inevitably do, they’re ready. As I’m sure this description implies, there are some pretty powerful lessons we can learn from these spiky, crazy cacti.
As we were walking this morning, I was thinking about everything that’s been going on lately. And, I found myself wondering whether or not I was strong enough to make it through. Strong enough to be the mama my babies need. Strong enough to be the partner Tom needs. Strong enough to make it to see my sweet Benny again. And for the first time in my life, recently I started questioning my faith. Questioning if my faith was strong enough to face a trial like this. Questioning whether or not I really believe what I profess to believe. Questioning whether or not I really have seen my Benny for the last time, or if I actually believe that I’ll see him again. Just questioning it all.
In every trial I’ve faced in the past, I’ve never once questioned the Lord. I’ve never once questioned my faith. But this has been different. My love for Benny surpasses anything I’m capable of expressing, so losing him has hit me at my core. And caused me to question. Not question the Lord or His plan, but question whether or not I even believe there’s a plan at all. I feel awful even writing this. I’m supposed to be the strong one. I’m the one with the rock-solid testimony that will get me through this experience. But I don’t know that there’s any way to just “get through” an experience like this. There are so many inexpressible emotions that it’s just impossible at times to navigate them all. That’s what’s been happening in my mind and heart and unfortunately it’s caused me to question everything.
But, as these thoughts have come and as they were coming again this morning, I realized something pretty important. Why on earth would I give up on the one thing that has consistently gotten me through every other trial I’ve faced? Why would I think the Lord has forgotten me now, when He has proven to be right by my side through every other experience? During this, my time of most need, why would I now start to question my faith? Well, because I don’t. At least not really. I’ve got so many emotions right now and this is just part of that. I’m realizing that and I’m thankful for that perspective. This experience has caused me to question everything I know, but it doesn’t mean I have to question what I believe and have trusted all these years.
There were so many cactus plants along our walk today. As I was processing through all these thoughts and emotions, at one point it was like I heard my sweet Benny saying, “Mom, you’re just like these cactus plants. You’ve stored up faith all these years, so now when the struggle is here, you can rely on that. You’ll get through this. You’re prepared and I know you can do it!”
Talk about a change of heart. My sweet boy is right. I’ve been blessed with faith over the years that truly has prepared me for a time like this. My faith may seem to be taking a hit right now, along with nearly every other aspect of my life, but in reality, my faith is deep in my core and I can withstand the struggle, just as water sits deep in the cactus plant’s core, ready for when it’s needed. It reminded me of this quote by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland:
“In moments of fear or doubt or troubling times, hold the ground you have already won, even if that ground is limited… When…moments come and issues surface, the resolution of which is not immediately forthcoming, hold fast to what you already know and stand strong until additional knowledge comes. It was of this very incident, this specific miracle, that Jesus said, “If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you.”6 The size of your faith or the degree of your knowledge is not the issue—it is the integrity you demonstrate toward the faith you do have and the truth you already know.”
My faith is what’s always gotten me through. It will continue to get me through. I have no doubt about that. When the waves of emotion come – and boy have they been coming – I am grateful to be able to trust in the faith I already have as I grow to have the faith that I need. I’m holding on to the ground I’ve already won, as Elder Holland recommended. And I’m trusting in the faith that I’ve already gained, as my sweet Benny reminded me to do today. His perspective is so much better than mine right now, so I’m going to trust him on this. And I’m going to trust the Lord. His perspective is even better than Benny’s. I know I can trust them both, and that will get me through. My faith will get me through. Even though right now my perspective and faith are limited, that’s okay. It will be okay if I’m willing to just hold on. Honestly, my faith feels about the size of mustard seed right now. It’s pretty small and at times hard to hold onto lately, but I’m grateful that somehow it’s still there. And that my walk with Benny reminded me of that. And, as the good Lord Himself so perfectly reminded us, sometimes having faith as small as a mustard seed is all that’s needed to bring about miracles.
You’ve carried your testimony so well for so long. I’m glad that for now it can carry you.
I don’t know how I missed this post, but if anyone has a core full of light and goodness to see them through, it’s you.
I’ve also learned that if a cactus plant is cut, it forms a woody, cork-like layer to protect itself from the bacteria that might enter the wound. I think sharing your heart and experiences and testimony is helping you to form a protective layer over a deep, deep cut that must feel unbearable at times. But, like this cactus plant, you’re going to be just as resilient and keep pulling life-saving water up into your core to keep you strong for the days ahead.