This weekend we were in Burley to celebrate Memorial Day. We’ve gone there each year since we’ve been married to reflect on the freedoms we enjoy and the lives that were lost in its attainment. We also appreciate the opportunity to reflect on family members who have passed on, especially Tom’s dad, who have forged the way for us to be where we are now.
When we were here last year, I was VERY pregnant with our sweet Benny. In fact, we almost didn’t come because I was at the “could-go-into-labor-at-any-moment” stage of my pregnancy. But, we decided to make the trip and we’re so glad we did. I don’t think any of us could have predicted though that this year though, we’d be here memorializing the baby I was carrying.
I’m really glad we didn’t know. I think it would have hurt too much.
For some reason, maybe it’s because it was Memorial Day or because Benny’s first birthday is coming up, my mama heart has been super emotional and sensitive recently. But, I’ve seen how the Lord has consistently been there for me and I’m so grateful for that.
On the Sunday night before Memorial Day, the emotions started to flood out a bit as I was getting ready for bed. I just miss my Benny so much. But then I picked up my phone and heard the song that was playing (I’d had the phone in Isaac’s room playing piano music for him to sleep to since he’d gotten a little wound up with all his toddler energy right at bedtime). “Be Still My Soul.” This song has always been one of my favorites and it’s taken on even more meaning since losing Benny. It brings me peace and comfort as I listen to and trust in its words, and Sunday night was no different.
I don’t think it’s a coincidence that in that moment that I was crying as I picked up my phone, this was randomly the song that was playing. It’s not even on our playlist, but was simply one suggested by Spotify as being similar to other songs we listen to. Goodness, not a coincidence at all. Rather a loving reminder that I have Heavenly Parents who are aware of me and my struggles, and a perfectly in-tune guardian angel who helps facilitate miracles when I need them most. That night, instead of crying myself to sleep (again) like I expected to do, I went to bed unexpectedly and even joyfully with a heart full of gratitude. Gratitude for the Lord. Gratitude for His tender mercies. Gratitude for my angel son Benny. And gratitude for hope.
The next morning (on Memorial Day), I was able to spend some alone time at Benny’s grave. It was tough. The tears came out like they haven’t in a while and I sat there sobbing all by myself. (Thankfully the Burley cemetery is much smaller and less busy than the cemeteries in Salt Lake, where you’re lucky to be able to even pull in and drive a loop without stopping on Memorial Day weekend.) I poured out my heart to my boy and let him know I missed him from the deepest parts of my heart and soul. I apologized to him for anything I did during his short little life that was less than stellar. I pleaded with him to always stay close to me. And I cried in silence when words just weren’t adequate to express what I was feeling, trusting that somehow he still knew.
And then the tears just stopped. And I had a thought. A thought that I’m just certain was my Benny “talking” back to my heart in support and love. I had the impression to listen to the song “I Believe in Christ” – and so I did. I pulled up the song on my phone, and as I listened to the words, I felt my angel boy so close. I also felt the hope and peace and reassurance that comes through believing in Christ. In fact, it was incredible the almost literal change I felt in my heart. The line, “And while I strive through grief and pain, His voice is heard – ye shall obtain” particularly stood out. Here I was, striving through the grief and pain of sitting at my little boy’s grave, and yet I knew in my heart that someday I can obtain all that He has promised and made possible, which is being with my angel Benny forever.
Those quiet and tender moments spent with my angel boy at his grave this Memorial Day are ones I’ll remember forever. I’m glad to have them captured here for the time when I may not remember all the details, but what I do know I’ll always remember is the fact that I felt my Benny close and my heart was touched through the power of music many times this weekend.
It’s amazing the power of music. In fact, as I sit to write this all down, the song “Each Life that Touches Ours for Good” is playing on the radio (well, the internet radio – it is 2021, after all). As with the two experiences above, I don’t think that’s a coincidence. It’s a touching song that we sang at Benny’s funeral and whose lines lend to the power for good that others can be in our lives. I know my Benny is a life that has touched mine for good, and a life that continues to touch so many for good. I’m so grateful for that knowledge and for the peace that comes when I remember it.
Memorial Day weekend was different this year, but no less special. Possibly even more special, with sacred experiences that I’m grateful to have recorded. We memorialized Benny this weekend with flowers and words and a visit (as did other wonderful friends and family), but I feel so blessed to believe that more than that, we can feel his perfect spirit with us all the time. And, someday we won’t need a day to remember because we’ll be with our angel boy again. That will be the greatest holiday of all.
We love you, Benny! We miss you! I’m so thankful you are staying close to your mama, she needs you and your promptings!