Today I had a conversation with a friend about grief and loss. It’s been such a rollercoaster of emotions since we lost Benny, but one thing I’ve been thinking about specifically and which my friend and I talked about today is the loss of potential and the loss of dreams. It’s been difficult to lose Benny physically, but when you lose a child so young, there’s also a loss associated with their future. I had so many dreams and hopes for our angel boy’s life. I dreamed of him growing up, going to school, getting baptized, learning to play an instrument, finding hobbies he loved, discovering talents, graduating high school, dating, attending the temple, going on a mission, getting married, having children, establishing a career, and changing the world for the better. I also had dreams for our family – taking vacations, making memories, having family pictures, learning together, laughing together, creating traditions, going on road trips, supporting each other, being in the temple together, spending holidays together, and growing old together. When Benny passed away, that all went away. His future – our future together as a family – was lost. And that’s something I’ve been grieving, just as much as the physical loss.
As with everything associated with this situation, I’m not sure how to process it all. I worry that the loss of potential will be something we grieve for a long time. I was telling Tom that right now I’ve become okay with taking family pictures again, but I worry that won’t always be the case. At first I felt like someone was missing if we took a family picture, and it just felt wrong. I still feel like someone is missing, but I’ve gotten to a place where I’ve accepted that and want to continue to record our family’s memories and experiences. But, right now our family is in the stage it was when Benny was here. The babies are still the ages they were when we took our last pictures with Benny. So somehow it feels okay.
But that won’t always be the case. Isaac and Zoey are growing up. They’re growing up fast. And I fear that as they grow up and Benny doesn’t, it will hurt my heart. It’s almost like if I paused time and kept them little, it would make sense that Benny will always be little too and it wouldn’t hurt as much (because all the pictures we’ll ever have of Benny are of him as a baby). It’s interesting the things the mind tells itself to try to cope. Today when I was thinking about the lost potential and dreams, I realized that I still have some fear related to this situation. Fear of the unknown, mostly, and fear that I’m still not entirely sure what the rest of our lives will look like without Benny.
Today I registered Isaac for preschool. Zoey will go next year. Benny should’ve been the year after that and then they all would have been in school together for the next twelve years. But he won’t be. Isaac and Zoey will be, but not Benny. And that makes me tear up.
But just as quick as the emotions and the fear of everything came today, my angel boy reminded me of the importance of my faith. My faith that even though I don’t know what our future holds, I do know who holds our future. My faith that even though we are separated now, we will be together as a family eternally. My faith that even though I can’t hold and cuddle my angel boy, I can still feel him close to me every single day.
Faith is a powerful thing. Lately I’ve come to see that it’s even more powerful than grief. Goodness, am I grateful for that. And so long as I have my faith and hope for the future, I can “faith it ‘til I make it.”
I’m grateful for the faith that has overcome the fear since we’ve lost Benny (not all of the fear, but thankfully enough to get me through each day). I’m grateful to be reminded that faith is stronger than fear. “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” (2 Timothy 1:7) Right now I feel anything but powerful. I certainly don’t feel like I’ve got a sound mind, at least not consistently, because it’s often jumbled with a flood of conflicting emotions. But, I do feel love. I feel the love of the Lord and I feel the love of other people. And, mostly, I feel the love of and my love for my sweet Benny. And because of that love, and the faith I feel has been strengthened through all this, I can feel the fear a little less. The pain a little less. And the sweetness of my boy a little more. The love of the Lord a little more. The happiness of my angel Benny a little more. Because he is so happy. And he wants us to be happy, too. And thankfully none of that has been lost.
I think those moments of ‘what could have been’ and ‘what should have been’ have got to be the hardest. So difficult to think of the future without Benny by your side. I pray every day that he is close ❤️