Goodness, I was unprepared for last night. I think because Christmas wasn’t as difficult as we expected (probably because we were over-prepared for it to be a hard day) I didn’t in any way think New Year’s Eve would be difficult. It’s not nearly as big of a holiday in my mind, so I didn’t expect it would be overly difficult to experience it without Benny. I couldn’t have been more wrong.
Yesterday was a fine day – nothing too exciting, but we really enjoyed spending the day as a family. In the evening after we put the babies to bed (because they’re too young to enjoy it anyway and we don’t need to start the new year with cranky kids!) we did a puzzle and watched a movie. We actually weren’t sure we’d even make it to midnight, but we were enjoying the time with Tom’s mom and next thing we knew, it was almost 12:00.
When the clock struck midnight and the new year was here, Tom turned on some music and the New Year’s special and started to celebrate. I burst into tears. So unexpectedly, but all of a sudden it hit me that 2020 was the only year Benny ever new. It was the year we met our angel son, and it was the year we told him goodbye. It was “his year” and now it was over. Time is ticking on and we’re getting further away from when he was with us. He wasn’t here to ring in a new year with us, because he’s gone. And life is moving forward. My heart broke as all these thoughts came flooding in.
Nearly the entire world wants 2020 to be over – it’s been a rough one, to say the least. Up until tonight, I think I felt the same way. But then the new year actually came and as with so many things these days, the emotional roller coaster began and it was so bittersweet and unexpectedly tough.
Tom was wonderful and supportive as always and didn’t push me to celebrate. Instead I went in the other room and took a moment for myself. As I sat there sobbing, I felt my angel boy put his arm around me and remind me that it would be okay. Things will be okay. Even though I’m sad, it’s just a reminder of how much I loved him. How much I still love him. And that means sometimes it’s hard.
Last night was hard. Unexpectedly so. But I felt my angel boy close and that made things okay. He’s always right there when we need him and I’m so grateful for that. As I came out of the room, I saw our finished puzzle (literally put the last piece in at midnight!) and realized it was another reminder to me that things would be okay. I believe in the covenants Tom and I made in the temple and have faith that through them, we will be together as an eternal family someday with our sweet Benny. What a perfect reminder after a difficult moment. Goodness, the Lord is good. And so is my sweet Benny.
Today we stopped by Benny’s grave on our way out of town and it felt good to do so. I’m glad we got to visit his little body one more time, but I’m even more glad for the reassurances that his perfect little spirit would be coming home with us.
While we were at the cemetery, I felt my angel boy tell me that this was going to be a great year and that I’d be amazed (that’s the word that kept coming to mind) about what this coming year would hold. It’s hard to believe with the way I’m feeling now, but I trust my boy – and so I’m hopeful.
I’m hopeful the sadness will subside in a healthy way that allows us to still remember Benny. I’m hopeful we’ll continue to feel his precious spirit with us more than ever before. I’m hopeful we’ll be able to find ways to do meaningful service and “pay forward” the goodness we’ve received. I’m hopeful our family will continue to grow closer and closer as we find strength and support in each other. I’m hopeful we’ll be able to have great experiences with Isaac and Zoey as we take on this new year and introduce them to new things. I’m hopeful we’ll continue to look for the Lord’s hand in our lives and see it every day. I’m hopeful we’ll take time to show our gratitude to Him for the many blessings that are ours. I’m hopeful we’ll be able to use this experience for good in our lives and others. I’m just hopeful.
And all things considered, I think that’s a pretty good place to be as we start a new year.