I’ve had such interesting waves of emotions lately. Ones I don’t even totally understand. Today was overall a pretty good day, and I was surprisingly feeling much better about things and like I may actually be able to get through this. But then little things happened that set me back. Such random things that bring on the emotions and I’m not totally sure how to process it all.
The daily journal I keep is through an app on my phone. I have separate folders for each month, and at the end of each month, I file the monthly folders into a larger folder for that year. With it being December now, typically I’d have filed the November folder away into 2020, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to do it. For some reason, it makes me sad. As I look at November and realize it contains the last memories I have of my boy while he was on this earth, I’m not ready to file it away. By doing so, it’s like I’m admitting it’s all in the past and I’m moving on. That Benny is in the past and not in the present. And I’m not sure I’m ready for that. I want to be. But I’m just not there yet. And as irrational and odd as this seems (it’s just a virtual folder of journal notes, for goodness sake), I’m really trying to honor my feelings and not push myself to try and heal faster than I’m ready. I’m sure one of these days I’ll file away November 2020 into the proper folder. Just not today. It makes me too sad.
Tom and I drove to the Gilbert temple this afternoon. It’s absolutely beautiful and I love being at the temple, even if it’s just on the outside. While we were there, a couple came out who had just been sealed/married. Everyone was cheering, and it brought tears to my eyes. But, not the happy kind I normally cry when people get married. (I seriously love weddings and crying happy, wedding tears.) These were sad tears. And I felt like my heart sunk as I watched this happy scene play out. As I tried to process why, I think it was for a few reasons.
First, it felt like a reminder that my little boy would never grow up and we’d never get the chance to see him get married. So many dreams and hopes lost with his sudden passing that are all part of this mourning process. It gives it such a complicated, added layer of sadness because of how young he was and how much unmet potential feels lost.
Second, it reminded me that people’s lives everywhere are moving on and they’re happy. Don’t they know the world lost a bright shining light just two weeks ago when Benny passed away? If they knew, surely they’d be sad too. There just can’t be that much happiness in a world without Benny. The world just can’t be moving on so quickly and easily.
And third, it made me think back to the day when Tom and I were sealed and felt we had the whole world in front of us. It was truly the happiest day of my life, but thinking back on it right now (and I know it won’t be this way forever – I’m glad for that), it makes me want to warn myself of the pain and sadness that is to come. And perhaps encourage that younger self to just run and hide. Because it’s going to get unbearably hard.
It was difficult for me to process through these thoughts, because I recognized just how illogical and even nonsensical they are, and yet I was feeling them so deeply in my heart. And having them reminded me that clearly I’m not just my normal, happy self who is thinking rationally. And that’s another reminder that I’ve been through what most people would agree is a parent’s worst nightmare. Goodness, it’s just hard to process it all. And the rational moments I have where I am able to recognize the irrational, emotional moments just seem to make it harder. So many intense inundations of emotions, from seeing one simple thing like a couple getting married. Or trying to do one simple task like filing something into a folder. As much progress as I feel like I’m making, little things happen that remind me I haven’t reached the top of this mountain yet. And sometimes I question whether or not I ever really will.
As we walked around the temple, the sun was setting. Anyone who knows me knows just how much I love sunsets (and sunrises, too). In fact, if you were to look at the pictures on my phone, you’d find tons of my kids and tons more of sunsets. Pictures can never really do God’s beauty of sunsets justice, but I take the pictures anyway because I love them so much. In fact, the night Benny passed away, there was an incredible sunset that I felt he’d helped the Lord make just for me.
With all of the emotions and thoughts I was having today, I wasn’t even paying attention. Tom had to stop me and point the sunset out, and I was so glad he did because it was just beautiful. There was almost a halo around the sun, which of course reminded me of my sweet angel boy. And, as I looked, I felt Benny’s presence and a gentle, encouraging reminder that I can trust in what I believe of eternal families in the same way I trust in sunsets.
When the sun is setting, I don’t get nervous because the night is coming. I don’t miss out on the beauty of a sunset because I know that it will only last a minute and then be gone into the darkness. I just sit and enjoy the beauty in the sky (and usually take a picture), trusting that the sun will rise in the morning and we’ll get another sunset tomorrow night. There’s not an ounce of me that worries the sun won’t rise in the morning and we won’t get a beautifully painted sky tomorrow. I know we will. I’ve lived nearly 40 years on this earth and witnessed that every single day, so why would today be any different? It won’t and I know that, so the thought doesn’t even cross my mind. I just enjoy the sunset.
What I feel the Lord and my sweet Benny were reminding me today was that I can have this same confidence and trust in my belief of eternal families. In my faith and testimony. In the gospel of Jesus Christ. In my temple covenants. In the sealing power that binds Tom and I together with our sweet children. I can trust it all. I can find the same confidence and reassurance in my faith that I find in the reliability of the sun. If I live a life worthy of the blessing, I will have my sweet boy throughout eternity. I’ve always believed that fully, and I’ve had so many confirmations of that in recent days as well. And, just as I’ve watched the sun rise and set and then rise again throughout the course of my life, I’ve witnessed the hand of the Lord in my life as well. In the good times and the bad, He has been there without fail.
Today Tom and I were able to visit with his brother and sister-in-law. Since they live in Arizona, I’ve only met them a few times and today was really only our second visit where we were able to sit and get to know each other. As they asked me about my career and the work I do, I told them what I often tell people when asked about this topic – all I ever wanted was to be a wife and a mom, but the Lord had a different plan for me that included getting my education and establishing a career, and now that I have my career and my dreams of being a wife and a mom, I can look back and see how the Lord was orchestrating this grander plan all along.
As I said this—which again is something I’ve said many times before—I found myself realizing I was essentially testifying to myself, as I’ve testified to so many others, that the Lord has always been there for me in the past, even when I couldn’t see it, and I could trust that this situation would be no different. Whether I’m able to look back in this life or the next and see His hand working a grander plan through this experience of losing our sweet boy, I’m not sure. But, I trust that will somehow be the case. Everything in me has always believed that will be the case. I’ve seen it be the case in my own life at other times in the past. So why would now be any different? It doesn’t have to be. I can rely on the faith I’ve gained through other difficult times as I wait for that time to come. When the emotions aren’t overtaking me and I’m feeling some clarity, I know with everything in me that the Lord will be there with me, guiding and carrying me through as He always has. I know with everything in me that families are forever and I will be with my sweet Benny again. Just like I know the sun will rise again tomorrow and the world will again be filled with light, somehow He will help me rise again and fill my life with light. Just like the sun. He is good and my ultimate light and somehow He’ll help me rise again. I just know it.