Today I felt like I was able to actually be a good mom to my babies. Sweet Isaac and Zoey have been so patient with me as I’ve navigated dealing with my own emotions and trying to still somehow be the mama they deserve. Most days I fall far short of being the mom they need and the mom I want to be. But today was different. I felt like I was actually able to be a good mom to our little Izie and ZoZo. Certainly not a perfect mom, but a good mom. A better mom than I have been as I’ve struggled since we lost Benny. I’m grateful for the improvement, even if small. It gives me encouragement that things will continue to get better and I can still work on being the mom that my angel babies—all three of them—deserve.
One of the biggest reasons I think I was able to be a better mom to Isaac and Zoey is because I was present. I consciously tried not to be distracted by anything while I was with them. I’ve found myself so distracted lately, whether it be by my emotions or by things I use to distract myself from my emotions (like social media). I think I’ve been afraid that if I don’t distract myself, the emotions will overtake me. But today they didn’t. Today I was able to just be present with my babies and enjoy our moments together. I still had to face a few tough moments by not distracting myself, but I was able to make it through them and move forward. It felt nice to be present and see that things were okay. And better than okay. We had a really wonderful day. My sweet babies still give me so much to live for. And today I was able to give them all of me.
I know not all days will be like this. I know the emotions are still somewhat of a roller-coaster and things change from one day to the next. But today gave me hope. And perspective. And gratitude for my sweet babies who love me no matter what. I want to be a good mom. I want to be a great mom. These tender little people the Lord has blessed me with deserve that. I know I won’t be perfect, but I sure want them to know I tried.
Today we all wore “blue for Benny.” Different shades, but we loved finding a way to honor and remember our sweet boy.
One thing I’ve realized is that as life moves on, it’s going to take somewhat of a deliberate effort to continue remembering and honoring our angel boy. I don’t want us to lose him. I want him to always be part of our family. But I’m seeing how the days are already in some ways getting “back to normal” and our lives are moving forward, without our angel son. I’m grateful, but it also saddens me. I want to keep being a good mom to Isaac and Zoey, but I don’t want to lose Benny in the process. Today was a good day because I was able to be present with them without being overtaken by the emotions associated with losing Benny. But does that mean I didn’t think of Benny enough?
In fact, as I type and think about this, I feel somewhat guilty. So many parents who lose children would likely say that not a day goes by that they don’t think about their angel child. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about Benny, but I have recognized that as things are getting “back to normal” the thinking has changed. The pain has thankfully somewhat subsided and isn’t all-consuming anymore. I’m able to get through the days without crying. But to that end, it also means that losing Benny isn’t the first thing I think about anymore. It’s still there in my heart, but it’s not outweighing everything else, like it was at first. Sometimes I find the day is passing without me having necessarily thought about the loss we’ve experienced. Does that make me a bad mom? A mom who didn’t love her child enough so the loss isn’t impacting me like I’ve seen it impact other moms who have lost children? Goodness, I hope not. But it’s hard for my mind not to go to that place. Even on days like today where I felt like I was a good mom to Isaac and Zoey, does that mean I wasn’t a good mom to Benny? Are they mutually exclusive? Sometimes it feels like I can only be a good mom to Benny if I am sad and cry because he’s gone. That probably doesn’t even make sense, but none of this really does. I want to be a good mom to Isaac and Zoey, but I also want to be a good mom to Benny as well. Thankfully I think (or at least I have hope) that I can be both. I suppose only time will tell.
Tom and I were talking today about how we want to continue finding ways to remember our sweet Benny and keep him at the heart of our family. Whether it be wearing our blue, or doing some service and #BeamingForBenny, our family needs and wants Benny to be part of our lives. He inspires us and gives us motivation to live in the best way so we can be together again someday. So, while I’m glad we’re on the path of healing and feeling like we can move forward, it’s a bit bittersweet because I don’t ever want us to forget him. The further removed we get from November 16th, the further it seems our minds and hearts get from the memories though. It’s certainly an interesting place to be, but I know our angel boy is right there with us whenever we need him. Which I’m grateful for because I do need him. I want to be the best mom to him. And I want to be the best mom to Isaac and Zoey. But things look different now. And I need to be patient with myself as I figure it out. Thankfully my sweet babies are patient with me. My dear husband is patient with me. And our all-loving Lord is patient with me. So instead of feeling like because I was a good mom to Isaac and Zoey today, I wasn’t a good mom to Benny, maybe being a good mom to Isaac and Zoey also makes me a good mom to Benny. Sweet Benny loved his brother and sister so much and he’d want me to do my best to take care of them, like I did today. He wouldn’t want me to be sad, but he also wouldn’t want me to forget him. So I’m trying to be present and remember him as I do my best to take care of his big brother and sister.
I’m not sure how this all works. I wish there was some sort of guidebook for how to navigate losing a child while still moving forward as a mom to my other two sweet children. But there’s not. And maybe that’s because there’s no one way. There’s no right or wrong. I need to do what’s best for our family. Some days that means finding myself in a puddle of tears as I work through the pain of losing Benny. Other days, like today, it means allowing those feelings to sit in the background while I be as present as I can with Isaac and Zoey. It’s such a bittersweet roller-coaster of healing and coping and remembering and moving forward. But, at the end of the day, I suppose I’m one blessed mama to even be on the ride.