Today was interesting. Lately I’ve been feeling such weird emotions, almost an anxiety like something bad is about to happen. I think because of what happened so suddenly and unexpectedly to Benny, I feel like I’m living in a constant state of expecting the unexpected. I have so many thoughts and worries that another tragedy is about to strike. I have to keep reminding myself that everything is fine. Our other two kids are happy and healthy. We are together. Everything is fine. But then my heart reminds me that everything is not fine. Benny isn’t here. We’re missing one-fifth of our family. And bad things happen. Unexpectedly. And without warning. And there’s nothing I can do. So I better worry. Because somehow worrying makes it better.
But it doesn’t make it better. It’s making my heart heavier than it would be just dealing with the pain of losing our sweet boy. I’m not sure how to snap myself out of it. I think whenever something so unexpected happens, it scares us that something just as unexpected could happen again. And we want to avoid that. At all costs. But I’m learning that’s not always the case. Sometimes it can’t be avoided. Sometimes we have to go through the pain in order to more fully appreciate the joy.
The joy. A concept that seems to be so allusive to me these days. We’ve taken a few pictures recently (in front of Christmas trees, holiday displays, yesterday when we summitted the mountain, etc.) and when I see them, I feel like I don’t look like myself. I feel like I look sad. The joy and light that I used to have doesn’t feel like it’s there. I feel like I can’t give a big, happy smile because it would be disingenuous. I want to have joy. I’ve heard that it’s possible to have joy during trying circumstances. But I just don’t know how. At least not right now.
This has been on my mind a lot the past few days. The word “joy” is used a lot during the holiday season, so part of why it may be on my mind is because we’ve seen some representation of it nearly everywhere we go. And every time I see or hear the word, it makes me wonder how I can ever feel truly joyful again. In fact, yesterday on our hike there was even randomly a “joy” Christmas ornament on one of the trees along the trail. So I took it. I felt that whoever put it there wanted it to bring joy to someone who found it, and that someone happened to be me – a mama who recently lost her baby son and needed the joyful reminder. (Plus, I figured it would have been taken down by a park ranger at some point and probably just thrown away, so it was best that I gave it a good home.)
The concept of joy was especially weighing on me this morning. My heart was just heavy feeling that I’ve lost my joy. I have happy moments, and I’ve found such peace and comfort at different times, but the underlying and consistent joy that I’ve felt in the past seems to be gone.
In the early afternoon, Tom and I decided to sit outside by the pool at our resort in order to enjoy the sunshine before we head home in a couple days. As we were there, we noticed a fairly large extended family also enjoying the pool – four women and about a dozen kids. The kids seemed to be having a good time, and the moms did as well, even though their time was mostly spent wrangling all the kids and keeping them safe and happy. Boy, I know the feeling. Anyway, as we sat there, I recognized one of the women’s voice. I then looked up and also recognized her face. It was the midwife who had delivered Isaac two and a half years ago. What are the chances? That she would be at this same resort, during this same week, at the same pool (the resort has four), on this same Wednesday, at this same time? It seems pretty slim, and I know better than to think situations like this are just coincidence.
I approached her and asked if her name was Josie, and sure enough, it was her. We chatted for a bit and she asked about our kids, so we shared some pictures and stories and unfortunately the news about our sweet Benny. She was so gracious and kind and everything we remembered her to be. She made Isaac’s birth such a wonderful and happy experience, and in speaking with her today, she continues to be the light that we remember from that day. It was fun to speak with her and feel of her goodness. She moved to Cedar City shortly after Isaac was born and I was disappointed she wouldn’t be around for Zoey’s birth. We haven’t seen her since Isaac was about six months old and we ran into her at one of my prenatal appointments for Zoey. I even snapped a picture on that day, which would turn out to be the last time we saw her. Until now. What a treat it was to see her so randomly today.
As I took my afternoon walk with Benny, running into Josie was on my mind. Seeing her was nice, but I felt it may have more of a purpose because of how small the chances were of us seeing each other. I wondered if it had anything to do with my “quest” to find joy again. I didn’t understand how seeing Josie would help me necessarily feel joyful though, other than that she’s so gracious and kind and radiates such goodness. But then it hit me — and I feel like it was my sweet boy talking to my heart and letting me know that he played a role in the divine intervention that occurred to allow our paths to cross this afternoon.
If someone were to ask me when I’ve felt the most joy in my life, it would absolutely be the days I met and married and was sealed to Tom and the days I had my babies. (I was blessed with such fantastic pregnancies and deliveries — I know many women aren’t and I’m beyond grateful for the experiences I had.) And, part of why those experiences were so good was because of the incredible midwives, which started with Josie. So here I was, feeling like I’ll never have joy again because I lost my sweet Benny, and then I ran into Josie, a direct and perfect reminder of the most joyful days of my life. And a visit with someone I’ve greatly admired and thought of over the years. And a reminder of my other sweet babies and how very much I still have to live for and be joyful about.
I was talking to Tom about this tonight, and I made the comment to him that I feel like I’ve been waiting for joy to happen, instead of recognizing the joy that’s already happening. I’ve wanted to believe that some magical “joy” switch will be flipped at some point and I’ll be joyful again. But I don’t think that will be the case. And I don’t think the Lord wants me to wait to be joyful. Or is withholding my joy until I reach some specific grieving milestone. Instead, I think time will start to heal the pain in our hearts and joy will correspondingly return. That time just hasn’t passed yet. It’s been barely two weeks, after all. I’m not sure why I feel like all of a sudden I should be okay. I’m putting pressure on myself to “just be joyful again” as if it’s a choice, or flipping a switch as I mentioned before. Unfortunately that’s not how it works. I’m realizing that now, and I’m grateful for the reminders today on my walk that helped me recognize the joy I can find right now. I may still be sad, and the emotions may still come in waves and be intense. But the Lord wants us to somehow feel joy along the way. And so do I.
Instead of waiting for joy to happen, I’m going to try and see the joy that is already happening. I think it’ll have to be a conscious effort for a while, because my heart is still weighed down by so many emotions and it’s not as intuitive to me right now as it’s been in the past. But, I hope that as I make an effort, things will get better. Kind of the fake it ‘til you make it concept. I want to be respectful of my feelings and emotions, so I can process them and work through them. I’ve learned enough through my work and my own challenges in the past that emotions shouldn’t be buried, but acknowledged and faced so you can move forward. But, I also want to find the good in life so I can start to heal. Because Benny was good. Benny IS good. Benny was joyful. Benny IS joyful still. I love feeling him close to me when we walk, and today was no different. During our walks, I’m looking for Benny and he’s always there. It reminds me that we find what we look for, so I’m going to start looking for joy, too.
I found joy today in seeing Josie and reminiscing about Isaac’s birth. I found joy in spending time in the sunshine. I found joy in spending the day with my wonderful husband. I found joy in having a special holiday date night and going to see “The Forgotten Carols” in the theater. I found joy in our dinner at Tommy Bahama, because I truly and sincerely love good food. I found joy in listening to Christmas music in the car. I found joy in the pictures we received from our dear friends of Isaac and Zoey in a tub full of bubbles. I found joy during my walk with Benny. I found joy in my gospel study. I found joy in writing these thoughts. To my surprise, I found a lot of joy today. Maybe joy hasn’t been as allusive as I’ve been thinking. Maybe it’s all around. Maybe it’s just waiting for me to see it. And maybe, just maybe, that’s the unexpected that I’ve been expecting.
Really sweet—I appreciate and admire both your candor and your courage.