December 15, 2020 – Better again

Tonight I was talking with my mom and she shared that she’d recently spoken with a friend who unfortunately also is familiar with loss, having once lost her newborn child and in the last few years also losing her husband.  As my mom asked her friend what she could do to support our family through our loss, her friend told her to keep reminding me that the day would come when we’d feel better and that at some point we’d feel “normal” again and not completely overtaken by the grief.  She’s gone through healing herself after the losses she’s faced, and she reassured my mom that I would be able to heal as well.

As my mom shared this, I couldn’t help but think, “Oh yes, thankfully I know that.  One day I’ll definitely be better again.”  After our conversation, I tried to process that more.  It surprised me a bit that my initial reaction was reassurance that I knew I’d be okay.  I’m not sure my conscious mind lately even knows that.  I wonder all the time if we’ll ever get back to normal.  I feel the weight of what has happened and the impact it’s had on every aspect of my life.  But deep down, clearly there’s something in me that knows healing is possible and that I’ll get there.

Today I went to lunch with two friends and found myself distracted and feeling depressed.  I apologized to them after for not being the best company, because I recognized that I wasn’t.  It made me sad because as much as I wanted to be my former, light-hearted self with my friends, I just wasn’t.  And I couldn’t seem to necessarily control it.  I realize I’m still in the initial stages of grieving the loss of my angel boy, but I can certainly see how the overwhelming feelings of loss can be compounded by the frustration of feeling a lack of control relative to the sadness.

But then I had the conversation with my mom and something deep within me reminded myself that I do know I’ll be okay again.  Everything in my life has taught me that.  When I went through what was previously the most difficult trial of my life ten years ago, I remember feeling life would never get back to normal.  I remember feeling like the weight of that situation would overtake me.  And unfortunately I remember all too well the nights I thought to end it all because things would never get better.  But then they got better.  Not right away, but they did get better.  And I got back to normal.  But not the normal of before – an even better normal.  Not only did I get better, but I became better.  I feel like I became a more complete version of myself.  A deeper version of myself.  A woman who had faced the fire and come out stronger.  A woman who would be prepared to make it through the trials she’d face in the future because of what she’d faced in the past.

I’m grateful to have remembered that today.  I’m glad I had that the conversation with my mom and that her dear friend reminded me of what I know deep down.  I’m also thankful for the moments I spent with my Benny today that reassured me as well that I will make it through this.  I know I’ve got a long way to go.  Today reminded me I’m not there yet.  But it also reminded me that I’ll get there.  That things will get better.  And not just that they’ll get better, but that I can become better.  Oh how I want to become better and live up to the example my angel Benny has set. 

I trust that things will get better.  Not that earthly life without Benny is better, because I don’t believe that.  But I do believe, with everything in me, that our Benny is still very much part of our eternal family and that he can help us become better, too.  On the days when my conscious mind doesn’t know it, I’m grateful that my subconscious does.  I’m grateful my heart does.  I’m grateful that as I think back on the last few weeks, I’ve never questioned whether or not at some point we would be okay again.  I know it’s a hard road and I know we’ve just begun, but the roads I’ve traveled before give me the confidence to travel this one, too.  Even though I don’t necessarily have much choice at this point, I do have the choice of letting the sorrow and sadness of losing my sweet Benny overtake me, or taking this experience and becoming the mama I believe my little angel boy trusted I could become.  He deserves that.  I want to become that.  Healing is possible, and I look forward to healing in a way that helps me become more like my angel Benny and more like my Savior, Jesus Christ.

“Oh yes, thankfully I know that.  One day I’ll definitely be better again.”