Mondays are tricky days for me now. I find myself not wanting to go to bed on Sunday nights because I’m afraid of what Monday morning may bring. In the past, I’ve always loved Mondays. Unlike most people, I love the idea and feeling of a fresh new week with the potential for new opportunities. Not so much anymore. My heart breaks a little every time a Monday rolls around (we’ve had four of them now) because I’m reminded of that fateful Monday when my sweet little Benny returned to his heavenly home.
This morning I was able to spend some time with my angel boy before everyone else woke up. I was up a little after 7:00 and surprisingly, the rest of our crew didn’t wake up until almost 8:00. (We’d had a pretty late night last night, for all of us, so it was nice that everyone was able to sleep in a little.) The 7:00-8:00 hour on Monday mornings feels somewhat sacred now, because that’s when we lost Benny. I was doing my gospel study and felt him close, and as 7:41 approached (the time we found him that morning), I was hoping the babies would stay asleep just long enough for me to have a moment of stillness when it came around. As I’ve seen so many times recently, the Lord answered that unspoken prayer of my heart and the house was quiet until 8:00. I loved feeling close to my boy in those moments. It started the day off on a much brighter note than I expected.
I’ve been feeling pretty insecure lately. Insecure that I can handle this. Insecure that I can be the wife and partner Tom needs. Insecure that I can be the best mom for Isaac and Zoey. Insecure that my family deserves better than I can give. Insecure in nearly every aspect of my life. As a woman, I think insecurities come with the territory. They’re always there on some level, but for some reason it’s been heightened for me recently. I’ve been pretty down on myself, even though I’ve had so many people lifting me up. I know it’s the lifting that has gotten me through, because on my own I may have just given up.
As I found myself worrying about my insecurities this morning, I felt my sweet Benny remind me of one of my favorite scripture stories. It’s found in Matthew chapter 14 of the New Testament and tells of the Savior walking on water in a storm and Peter getting out of the boat and walking on water to meet Him. I absolutely love the way it’s depicted in the Church’s video “Wherefore Didst Thou Doubt?”. I think when we hear this story though, all we really think about is how Peter lost faith in the Savior and started to fall. That’s definitely a good “moral of the story” but over the years, I’ve come to realize that I think there’s a deeper meaning as well in what the Savior was trying to teach. Even though I’ve spoken about this story many times (because it truly is one of my favorites), it seems to be taking on a new meaning for me now as I try to remember the principles that I’ve found in it previously and which I’ve tried to share with others.
First, I don’t think we give Peter enough credit. In a boat full of fearful disciples, he was the only one willing to get out of the boat and go to the Savior. We give Peter a hard time because he started to falter, but ultimately he was the only one who exercised his faith by getting out and trying to get closer to his Savior. Peter had courage and believed the Savior could help him walk on water, and I think he provides an excellent example for us of having courage and belief in ourselves to take that first leap of faith in drawing closer to our Savior, even if it means leaving the perceived safety of the boat and venturing into dark and stormy waters.
Second, the moment Peter took his eyes off the Savior was when he started to sink. But before that, he was walking on water. What a miraculous act and something Peter surely never thought he was capable of doing. If we keep our eyes focused on the Savior, we can do miracles and exceed our own capabilities. I’ve certainly been feeling recently that I need a miracle to be able to get through the loss of our sweet Benny and, as mentioned, I’ve been feeling insecure about my own capability to be the wife and mom my wonderful family deserve through it all. But, as this story reminds me, my best bet is to continue to put my trust in the Savior, as Peter did, and keep my eyes focused on Him so I don’t sink into the depths of darkness that have inevitably been part of this experience.
And finally, my favorite part of this story is that I feel the Savior was telling Peter to believe in himself. When he started to sink, Peter looked up at the Savior and asked the Lord to save him. By doing so, it shows that Peter believed the Lord could save him – who Peter didn’t believe in was himself. In that time of desperate and life-threatening need, he appropriately and wisely turned to his Savior. But, as an even more wise and all-knowing Teacher, the Savior turned the question back on Peter and asked him why he doubted. Considering that Peter didn’t doubt the Lord, as he immediately turned to Him in his moment of need, I think the Lord is instead asking Peter why he doubted himself. I believe with all my heart that the Lord wants us to have faith in Him, because He knows the miracles He is capable of facilitating in our lives when we do (like walking on water or surviving the loss of a child). But, in order to share our light with others and do what He needs us to do, we must also have courage and faith in ourselves. We can do nothing if we don’t first believe in ourselves to do something, and I’ve always loved that as what I consider the “moral of the story” in this interaction between Peter and our loving Savior. Not only does He want us to believe in and have faith in Him, but I think He repeatedly tells us throughout the scriptures and His teachings that we also need to believe in and have faith in ourselves.
This morning as I found myself apologizing to my angel boy for all my failings, I felt him “emphatically tell me” (as I recorded it in my journal) not to waste my energy on regrets and insecurities because they will only bring me down and keep me from becoming who the Lord wants and needs me to become. I felt reassurance from my sweet boy that I had been a good mother to him, the best I knew how to be, and that he loves me for it. Just like the Savior was trying to teach Peter, I felt my sweet Benny trying to remind me to believe in myself. Believe that I am strong enough to make it through. Believe that I can be the woman my family needs. Believe that I can somehow come out stronger on the other side of this loss. Believe that I will find a way to continue to trust in the Lord and His plan, even when it’s hard.
Some dear and wonderful friends brought us this painting tonight. It took our breath away because of how tenderly we feel it portrays our little family, with the Savior right by our side. But as I looked closer, I realized that the Savior is closest to my side, with His arm wrapped around my shoulders. I’m guessing this is just how the artist happened to draw the figures (based on our family photos), but I find it a sweet and tender mercy that the Savior is where He is, as if reminding me He’s there for me and, on a day when I was feeling especially insecure, that I can believe in myself.
I’m not sure I’m totally there yet. Right now I kind of feel like Peter in the midst of the dark and treacherous waves. But like Peter, I too have been reaching up to the Savior over the last four weeks and asking Him to save me – because I believe He can. And, like Peter, I also have felt the Savior reach His hand back toward me and lift me up through the incredible people He’s blessed me with in my life. This experience has certainly made me feel like I need His saving, and I’m grateful for those who have been there to remind me that being saved is possible.
I want to make it through. I hope I’ll make it through. I believe that with the Savior’s help, I can make it through. Despite its hard moments, today I made it through another Monday and was able to even find some really sweet and wonderful moments along the way. And right now, that sure feels like being saved to me.
This picture is everything! Thank you for sharing. It’s beautiful ❤️