The days seem to get a little easier, and then all of a sudden they get harder. This morning was a hard morning. I had two full-on crying, shaking, sobbing breakdowns within the course of about two hours. Sometimes it’s just hard. Sometimes the weight of everything just feels too much.
I was on the schedule to teach a lesson today as part of our virtual church services. I’ve always enjoyed teaching and love the preparation and insights that come as I do, as well as the love I feel the Lord has for the women I teach. I was graciously given the opportunity to get out of it, but I felt it would do my heart good to feel like I could do something normal. Unfortunately nothing is normal these days, at least not the way normal used to be.
I was trying to finish the lesson this morning (since I had re-written it over and over) but Tom was at bishopric meetings and I was trying to wrangle the two babies by myself. I realize that doesn’t sound like much of a feat, but for some reason it was a struggle for me today. (Actually, I may know why it was such a struggle. We’ve kind of been going through a lot lately.) I found myself twice breaking down and just crying uncontrollably. I felt bad because I could tell it was uncomfortable for Isaac and Zoey. Isaac has been sensitive lately to moments when I cry. He hasn’t seen me cry much during his short life, at least not full-on sobbing like I have been doing lately. When I do, he starts to recount the morning Benny passed away, I think because it’s the first time he’s ever seen me cry like that. Not wanting to traumatize him further or make him re-live those horrific moments, I’ve tried to keep my emotions in check when the babies are around. But today I just couldn’t. It was all just too much. And I found myself breaking down right there in front of my sweet babies.
My mind has been such a jumbled mess lately. I thankfully have moments of clarity, but for the most part, I’ve been struggling to keep thoughts straight. As I prepared for my lesson this week, I felt like I just couldn’t get it. I couldn’t make the topic make sense. I couldn’t find the information I needed. I couldn’t piece it all together in a way that would make a good lesson. I was just struggling. In the past, I’ve felt the Lord right there with me pulling it all together, but I didn’t feel that this time. Not that I think He wasn’t there, but my mind generally was just not in rational, normal place right now to have taken on such a task. And that made me sad. It’s hard sometimes to see just how much of an impact this loss has had, especially in ways that I don’t have much control.
Thankfully I was able to pull things together and teach my lesson somehow, and hopefully it made sense. I always wonder about that, but I especially wondered about it today. I take my role as a teacher seriously and find it a great honor to be trusted to teach the incredible women in our neighborhood. I always strive to convey what I feel prompted the Lord wants me to teach, and I hope today was no different.
As I prepared for my lesson, I studied the Christmas story. For some reason this year, I’ve been drawn to Mary. Her strength and faith astound me, and the way I feel she’s so accurately portrayed in this year’s “The Christ Child” movie is incredible – as a mother who loves her son and did her best to live up to God’s will. I felt a connection with her before Benny passed, because I thought how sweet it would be to have an angel baby boy at Christmas, as she did. I feel even more of a connection to her now – perhaps because she is also a mother who lost her Son.
In thinking of Mary and studying her more, I realized that her life did not go as she’d planned. (Perhaps that’s another reason I felt a connection with her.) Mary was a simple young woman from Nazareth who surely was aware of the religious expectations of a coming Messiah, but probably in no way considered she would have any role to play in His coming. She was moving forward with her life and scheduled to marry a nice young man. She probably thought about having children in the future, and that would just be part of the simple plan she expected for her life. But then the angel Gabriel appeared and let Mary know that the Lord had a plan for her that was far different than anything she could have expected, and likely far more difficult than anything she could have imagined.
Unlike her cousin Elisabeth and her husband Zacharias, who were praying for a miracle when the angel Gabriel appeared to answer their prayers, Mary was not praying for this. Rather, our Father in Heaven was answering her greater prayer of simply doing His will, but in a way that was likely entirely unexpected. I’d never really considered this before and how incredibly Mary served as a true disciple of her soon-to-be Son. As someone who also wants to be one of His disciples, I loved pondering on this recently. Mary’s discipleship came so unexpectedly and at a great cost – but as President Russell M. Nelson has reminded us, “God has always asked His covenant children to do difficult things.” Mary did difficult things, and by studying her recently, I’m inspired to try and rise to the challenge of doing difficult things, too.
I love the account Luke gives of this interaction, known in the Christian world as the Annunciation. Gabriel first and foremost reminds Mary of her worth as a daughter of God. She needed that context for what she was about to be told. I’ve felt this in my life and it’s something I’ve actually spent countless hours speaking to other women and youth about – our worth as children of God and how the strength that comes from that knowledge can make us equal to any task the Lord needs us to fulfill.
Mary initially is “troubled” at the angel’s appearance. I always appreciate reminders in the scriptures that the characters I admire and read about also had very human and tender emotions, as I do. Gabriel then outlined God’s plan for Mary, which included her being the mother of His Only Begotten. Goodness, I can’t imagine what must have been going through Mary’s mind at this announcement. Initially it seems she was concerned about the plan, but the angel reassured her that “with God, nothing shall be impossible.” What a perfect reminder and one that I too have been needing recently.
Mary’s final response to the angel (at least as recorded by Luke) was acceptance and faith-filled compliance. We don’t know how long this interaction was – we can read the entire thing in about two minutes, but I’m certain it took longer than that. But however long it was, Mary was able to work through her emotions and thoughts and get to the point of full willingness before the angel left. Oh how I admire her strength. I’m not sure she understood at that point what it all would entail, but she trusted the Lord and trusted herself as she exercised her faith. With the loss of our sweet boy, I find myself needing to trust the Lord and trust myself more to be able to work through this, and Mary is an incredible example to me of both.
As I consider my own life and the path I believe the Lord designed for me, I feel somewhat like Mary. Certainly not to the same level or gravity, but things have definitely not gone according to the plan my young teenage self imagined. (Really though, does anyone’s?) And recently, life has most definitely not gone according to any sort of plan I would have wanted. Looking back now though, I can see how the Lord has been there for me in the past, guiding me all along the way. Right now I need to trust in that. I need to trust that just as the Lord has always been there, He will continue to be there for me still. Just as I’ve always believed in His love and goodness, I can believe in them still.
Tonight I was speaking with a friend who mentioned it seems the Lord has, in a way, prepared me for this most difficult trial by strengthening my faith through other trials in my past, even though she wasn’t sure what those trials may have been (she’s a friend who came into my life when I married Tom). As I thought back, I believe she’s right. I’m grateful for the way I’ve seen the Lord in my life and I trust that He will continue to be there for me in the future. Our loving Father in Heaven would never leave us during our most trying times. When He sees fit to provide us an opportunity for growth (which typically manifests in a really difficult trial), I believe He also provides us reminders that He is there and that He loves us. I’ve felt and seen reminders of this numerous times over the past few weeks and most recently today when I received a gift from a loving and dear cousin.
My wonderful cousin lives in Washington and unfortunately never got to meet our sweet Benny in this life. However, she felt inspired by his passing and everything that has occurred and sent me a “Book of Stills.” In the book, which initially I thought was still pictures of my sweet boy, my dear cousin found social media posts I’d made in the past where I expressed my trust in the Lord and my joy of being a mother, and she reminded me that it was all STILL true. What a powerful gift and reminder. It’s something I’ll treasure forever, and it was nice to be reminded by my past self just how important it is to still hold tight to my faith and everything I’ve always believed in, so someday I can again hold tight to my perfect little Benny.
No doubt the beautiful, flowering tree of your testimony has roots deep enough to withstand this storm. Thank you for inspiring us to grow closer to Heavenly Father and to give thanks for the tender mercies all around us.