Along our path of grieving and healing, we continue to find ups and downs. Some days are much more difficult than others. An analogy of this journey came to mind as I was running this week and trying to make it up a long hill. Fortunately this hill on occasion would get easier by leveling off for a moment or even gradually descending momentarily before the struggle of the climb started again. So it is as we work our way up this mountain of grief. Some days I totally feel like I’ve got this, that I’m getting close to feeling “normal.” Then when I try to settle back into some form of “normality” I quickly realize that everything isn’t actually normal and I still have a lot more climbing to do.
It was during this same run, battling not only the hill but even more so the challenging and discouraging feelings of loss for our sweet boy, that I felt the comforting and reassuring thought that reminded me of something I have felt multiple times during these past few weeks. The assurance and confidence came over me like a warm blanket letting me know that Benny is in good hands!
Shortly after the wonderful and joyous day on June 9th when our angel boy was born, Tiffany and I spent a good amount of time pondering and prayerfully considering what this perfect little baby boy’s name should be. As we were carefully trying to get confirmation for what to name our angel, our thoughts repeatedly turned to my dad, Jerry Bowcut, who passed away in 2015. This was especially surprising for Tiffany since she never had the opportunity of meeting my dad. While it’s a pretty common practice to honor parents by giving a child a parent’s name, we felt like our thoughts were drawn to my dad because of a deeper meaning or relationship that may have existed between our baby boy and my father.
Our belief and faith confirms to us that prior to the mortal experience of this life that we lived as spirit children of our Heavenly Father where we prepared for the opportunity to come and have this mortal experience. While we aren’t blessed with a deeper understanding or memory of what that “pre-mortal life” was like, just having this understanding is a key component of the greater plan of happiness. This same spirit then continues on after death, awaiting the great day of resurrection, but all the time blessing our families in ways that we can’t fully understand.
I share this for context because all along, we have felt that my dad had a close relationship with Benny, potentially even accompanying him to earth as he started this mortal journey. These feelings and thoughts prompted us to give Benny my dad’s name, Jerry, as his middle name – even with the risk of potential jokes as he grew up associated with the iconic brand “Ben and Jerry’s” ice cream. While Benjamin Jerry Bowcut never had to endure any taunting because of his name, we were grateful that he was able to share this name with someone so special to us and who we also believe was special to him.
During the horrific week we lost Benny, one of the sweet and comforting feelings that came to us in a very sacred setting and in a very personal, tender way was that Benny was greeted on the other side of the doors of death by a very familiar and close person to him – his grandpa Jerry. We could almost envision that reunion – our sweet little boy in the loving and caring arms of my dad. Surrounded by numberless other family members who have passed on but who know and love Benny, anxious to watch over, care for, and be with him until that glorious day when we as parents can once again be reunited with our sweet angel boy. How comforting for two loving, heartbroken parents, who want nothing more than to hold and care for our sweet baby, to have the comforting assurance that Benny is surrounded by and in the arms of those who love him as we do. To feel and know in our heart that he is in good hands is so incredibly reassuring!
With all of this in mind, we felt it special that we could have Benny’s mortal remains laid to rest in the same burial plot as his grandfather, with his tiny casket placed on top of my dad’s. It was on that difficult day, just moments before we left to go to the graveside service for Benny, that we were given an extremely special gift from my nephew’s wife, Tana, who captured in the drawing below the feelings and vision we’ve had of my dad caring for our sweet angel boy. I love that this picture shows they are close by and near to us. Even though we can’t see them, we know we have and often do feel them. It is our belief that they will continue to be close to us if we will create a home and environment full of love and light that invites their presence. What a great motivation that has been and will continue to be for us as a family.
In line with some of these thoughts and feelings we’ve been having is another tender experience that was recently shared with us while visiting our neighbors. This dear family has their sweet, elderly mother living with them who is able to see the front of our house from her bedroom. Early in the morning on the day that Benny passed away, she happened to be looking out her window when she felt like she saw someone dressed in white and surrounded by white rushing down the street over to our house. The person was pushing what seemed to be a baby carriage also surrounded by white. Her initial thought was that it was one of our neighbors, and she feared that something must be wrong. She rushed to tell her family what she had seen, but at that point there was no indication that anything was wrong. Moments later the ambulance and police arrived at our home, confirming to their family that something indeed had happened. The experience was very impactful to her and she has felt a close connection to Benny, even though she had only had the chance to meet Benny a few days earlier in passing at a store. We were grateful for the love, concern, and empathy that they showed us while sharing this experience. What she experienced was so vivid in her mind that she has been working on sketching the scene on paper. During our visit this week, she shared with us what she had drawn so far (as she shared it isn’t yet complete) and in doing so, Tiffany and I were both impressed by how much the drawing appeared to again be my dad coming to get Benny. This was yet another way of confirming to us that Benny is in good hands.
I have found that with the loss of a loved one, your heart and mind continues to think about and ponder where our loved ones are. How comforting the peace that comes from a Gospel perspective that teaches us that spirits of our righteous loved ones continue on in a spirit world and that they “are received into a state of happiness, which is called paradise, a state of rest, a state of peace, where they shall rest from all their troubles and from all care, and sorrow” (Alma 40:12). The feelings of comfort from this perspective were expressed well in a song that I recently came across from one of my favorite artists, The Piano Guys. I love the words in this song that remind me this Christmas season where our sweet Benny is and that he is good hands:
Although this year I have a broken heart It gives me hope and joy as I remember where you are You're with the Son of God You're with the Prince of Peace You're with the one who's celebrating And that thought amazes me Sometimes I still break down Grieving that we're apart But the sweetest gift is knowing where you are You're with the Son of God
The final thought that has come to me on this topic this week has also come from music. It’s amazing the emotion, comfort, and strength I have been finding in music while I continue to climb this mountain of grief. This song, shared with us in a very loving way by our dear friend and bishop, tends to bring out a lot of emotion in me, while also reminding me and helping me put trust in a promise that we have all been given – that we too will be “held” during our most difficult times. Just as Benny is in good hands, I’ve been reminded that we too are being held, strengthened by countless prayers from so many kind acts, thoughtful messages, and from the comforting impressions, thoughts, and feelings that are helping us deal with our mountain of grief, and mostly importantly an eternal gift of the atonement by our loving Savior. I know He uniquely knows all that we are dealing with and that He is able to strengthen us and be yoked to us to pull us through this difficult time. We too are in good hands.
This is what it means to be held How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life And you survive This is what it is to be loved And to know that the promise was When everything fell, we'd be held If hope is born of suffering If this is only the beginning Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior? This is what it means to be held How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life And you survive This is what it is to be loved And to know that the promise was When everything fell, we'd be held
I’m grateful for the strength I have found this week in being reminded that Benny is in good hands – and so are we. This reminder has helped me continue to push up the mountain, optimistic that with time we will be able to conquer our mountain of grief. I also have the hope that we will one day be able to look back at the progress we have made and the new perspectives and vistas that will be ours as we learn and grow from these struggles that in some way can help us become more as He is. To be able to empathize and love more as He loves all of us. Even so that our hands may a little be more like His hands, which are anxious to hold all of us. Truly we are all in good hands!
Oh my goodness, Tom, I hadn’t heard the story about what your neighbor saw! That is so beautiful and so comforting! I know that on Benny’s blessing day I felt your dad there! I remember mentioning this to you! It was such a strong impression that I wrote about feeling “angels” at the blessing in my Facebook post for that day! I didn’t have the blessing of knowing your dad, but I will never be able to deny what I felt that day — I KNOW your dad was in that circle with you! We love you so much, Tom! You are a blessing to our beautiful Tiffany and to our entire family!