I’ve had a few experiences recently that I wanted to capture here about my healing and processing. Some days are definitely easier than others, and I sure am grateful for the easy ones. I’m grateful for the hard ones too though I suppose, because they certainly make me appreciate the good ones that much more.
1) My sister recently had a baby girl and she’s just the cutest little thing! Peyton Noelle – she’s such a little angel. I’ve been able to spend some time with her while Danielle has been on maternity leave, and it is so good for my mama soul. She’s straight from heaven and I absolutely love feeling her sweet spirit.
The other day I was feeding her (from a bottle) and she stopped breathing for a second. Probably totally common for a newborn, but it about stopped my heart as well. I felt like her tiny face started to turn blue a little, and it sent me straight into a panic attack. I had to hand her back to my sister and go into the other room for a minute. It’s amazing the reaction I had, and it was a reminder to me that as much as I at times want another baby, I’m not sure my heart or mind is capable of handling that. The thought of losing another is just way too much. So, two living kids and one angel baby in heaven it is. And in the meantime, I’ll get my fill of baby from my new nieces and nephews (though maybe no more feeding for a bit).
2) A couple weeks ago we had a baby shower for my brother and sister-in-law. They are expecting a little girl this month, and it was fun to be able to celebrate them. They were married during the pandemic so we didn’t really get the chance to celebrate their wedding, which made this baby shower extra special for them.
As we were getting ready for the shower and figuring out what they need when their baby girl comes, Tom and I decided to give them a bunch of our baby stuff that we no longer need. I brought it to my parents’ home the morning of the shower, and as I was looking through some of it, I started to sob. I think the emotion of it all was just tough. The thoughts of being able to give away my baby stuff because we no longer have a baby just overwhelmed me.
I was single for a long time, and during those years when all I wanted was to be married and have a family, I had a lot of other friends and family get married and have children. I’m grateful I was able to work through my feelings over the years and truly be happy for others, instead of sad that I didn’t have that same blessing. That’s definitely the case here, and it’s not that I was sad because someone else is having a baby and I don’t have a baby anymore – it’s that I was giving away things that we no longer needed because our baby is gone. For some reason the emotion of all that just consumed me that morning, and I was grateful I had some time to cry it out before the shower started.
I’m not sure that parting with baby stuff is ever easy for a mama, but this felt different. This parting comes not because my baby grew up and is still around, but because my baby is gone. And for some reason that morning, it really hurt. I’m hopeful though that in time I’ll be able to share more of the things we have and be able to remove some of the emotion from the “things” that were Benny’s. I’m definitely glad to know that in the meantime, at least these things are going to my new (and I’m assuming adorable) niece.
3) The other night we were out later than usual, and it was starting to get dark. Isaac looked up into the sky with amazement and said, “What is that? The sky is sparkling!” It’s then that we realized that for the first time probably ever in his life, Isaac was seeing stars. Usually he’s in bed before dark, and on nights when we may be out later, he’s probably in his car seat and can’t see the sky. But a few nights ago he did, and it was the most wonderful thing to witness. We loved seeing his amazement at the twinkling stars and the way they lit up the sky. It was simply precious and he was so pure in his excitement.
This made me think of things in my life that are always there, but which I might not see. Especially Benny. I’ve had many experiences lately where I’ve felt him close, but I’ve also had days where I didn’t necessarily feel him there. But, like the stars in Isaac’s life, that doesn’t mean he wasn’t there – just that maybe I wasn’t looking for him or able to see him. I’m confident my angel boy is always close by, but I have to do my part to look up and see him.
I know it’s the same with our Savior. He is always there, even more so than my Benny, but we don’t always see Him. Whether or not we see him though doesn’t change the fact that He is there and ready to bring light to our lives and especially to our dark moments. I’m really grateful for that, and I’m grateful for the perspective this experience with Isaac gave me. I love being able to see things through his eyes for the first time, especially things I take for granted as just being there. Stars in the night sky. My Benny and my Savior. Truly amazing.
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