This grieving process has so many emotions. I feel like we’re doing so well and then all of a sudden I have a day where I can’t stop crying. I had one of those days this week and it reminded me that even though time is passing (six months now) and we’re moving forward in this grief journey, it will never be truly over and there will always be a part of my heart that misses my boy.
I can hardly believe it’s been six months since Benny’s been gone. Sometimes it feels like five minutes, but then sometimes it feels like the hurt has been going on forever. I’m not sure I ever thought I’d make it to six months though, so I’m pretty proud about that.
One of my favorite quotes (and it has been for some time) is by Rose Kennedy:
“It has been said that time heals all wounds. I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”
I think that’s what this experience of Benny has taught me, in keeping with what I’ve learned through other trials in my life. The trauma of losing a child never really goes away. Nor do I think I would want it to. But in time, I have figured out where it lives in my mind and heart so I can move forward. I’m glad to be able to move forward. I know that’s what Benny would want. But I’m also glad to still have reminders of the pain so I can continue to use it to strengthen myself. Whether it’s recognizing how far I’ve come, or remembering that I need my Savior with me on this journey, I’m grateful for the remembering. I’m also really grateful for the scar tissue that allows me to do so without completely falling apart, as Rose Kennedy said.
I don’t what the next six months will hold. I couldn’t have predicted what these past six months would hold. Six months ago I couldn’t even think six minutes ahead, let alone six months. But I’m here. I’ve made it through. And all things considered, I’d say I’m doing pretty well. I realize the journey will never truly be over, but I am glad to be in a position of enjoying it again. The ups. The downs. And everything in between. The Lord is good and I’ve been able to find joy again. I’ve been able to wade through the curtain of tears and come out on the other side, hopefully better for it. I’m so grateful for Isaac and Zoey – they’re helping me learn and grow in ways that sweet Benny never will. But I’m also really grateful for Benny because he’s helping me learn and grow in ways that Isaac and Zoey probably couldn’t. The Lord must have known I’d need all three of them, with each of the unique experiences they’ve given me, and boy do I hope I’m making the most of it.
In six months I hope to be able to look back, as I do now, and see the growth I’ve experienced. The love I’ve felt. The tender moments I’ve had. The drying of the tears I’ve cried. The spiritual insights that have been written on my mind and heart. The kindness of others who have buoyed me up. And the continued hope for the future that I feel now, more than I ever have before.
We love you, Benny! We miss you!