The last couple days have definitely been interesting. Filled with lots of ups and downs for some reason, but overall a really sweet and tender spirit as I’ve been able to think and talk about my angel boy in a few different ways.
On Thursday I was at the office briefly for a meeting (still loving the work-from-home schedule generally) and I ran into a colleague from another office whom I haven’t seen since before the pandemic. She and I were both pregnant at the same time last spring and would often talk about how things were going with our unborn babies and the anticipation of them both arriving. We definitely related to each other on a lot of levels while we were pregnant, and it was fun to run into her today. I asked her how her baby was (she had a beautiful girl named Ava) and then, not surprisingly, she asked me how my baby was. I say not surprisingly, yet somehow it surprised me. I don’t know why I didn’t think that when I asked her about her baby, naturally she’d ask me about mine. We shared so much of our pregnancy together as colleagues that this would most certainly be an expected topic of conversation. Yet the question still caught me off-guard a bit and I wasn’t sure what to say.
I always feel bad when people don’t know what happened and I have to explain it to them – not because it’s difficult for me, but because I know it makes an uncomfortable situation for them. People often then don’t know what to say, other than “I’m sorry.” It’s such shocking news to hear that someone lost a child, but since I’ve had time to process the reality of it, it isn’t as uncomfortable for me. I just feel bad that it becomes so uncomfortable for others. As I talked to this colleague on Thursday though, it was so sweet to be able to talk about Benny and even show her a few pictures of my angel boy. I think sometimes people don’t know what to say because they don’t want to create more pain by bringing it up or having mentioned it, but I love to talk about my angel boy! I don’t love sharing the news that he’s gone, but I absolutely love being able to share memories and photos and my faith that I believe I’ll see him again someday. It was sweet to talk to my colleague about our babies – hers on earth and mine in heaven. Any chance I have to think and speak of Benny just lifts my heart.
The last two days I’ve been judging a dance competition, and the days get pretty long and intense. Needless to say, when judging for 20-24 hours together over the course of two days, you get to know your fellow judges pretty well. Families often come up (as we usually talk about how our spouses are managing our kiddos while we’re away!) and this weekend it provided another opportunity for me to talk about my angel boy. When people ask how many children I have, I’ve started saying, “I have three – two on earth and one in heaven.” I then leave it to the other person to ask about if they want, but I love being able to acknowledge that I have three babies, even though all my pictures now and “real life” will only show two. Some of the other judges this weekend did ask about my angel baby, and I was again able to share some memories and pictures. It felt really nice to do. One of them actually got a little teary-eyed because she currently has a five-month-old little boy who is just like Benny – she promised to give him an extra hug when she got home. But in those moments as we talked, I felt my heart so full of light and joy as I thought about my angel boy. He is light and goodness and just like any other mama, I love being able to talk about him (and Isaac and Zoey, too).
During the dance competition, one of the solo routines was a young girl (probably age 10) who dedicated her dance to her mother. She brought a picture of her and her mom on stage and used it as a prop during her routine, and she danced to the song “Supermarket Flowers” by Ed Sheeran. Not sure if others are aware of this song, as I guess it came out a few years ago, but I haven’t heard it until this weekend when two dancers actually used it. This first routine though really just hit my heart, as this young dancer performed in tribute to her mother who had passed away.
The song is about a child who loses their mom, just like this little dancer, but of course it spoke to me and my situation losing Benny. The routine began and the words of the song started to grab my attention:
“Oh I’m in pieces, it’s tearing me up, but I know a heart that’s broke is a heart that’s been loved…”
It’s simply beautiful but heart-wrenching at the same time. Then one particular line really grabbed my heart:
“When God takes you back, He’ll say “Hallelujah, you’re home.””
Needless to say, I was in tears by the time the routine was over. Like, sobbing tears. I’m grateful I was able to somehow pull it together before the next routine I needed to judge, because it was a pretty intense reaction. The other judges asked if I was alright – the routine was touching, but my reaction was definitely more than that. To the two closest to me, I was able to share that it reminded me of my angel boy and God calling him home not too long ago. Then the tears came for them. It was definitely an unexpected emotional moment right in the middle of the dance competition.
As I think about the loss of my sweet boy and how I was reminded of it through this song, I realized that as sad as I was to lose Him, surely His Heavenly Parents were thrilled to have him home. I love thinking about Benny having Heavenly Parents (and so many others, like his Grandpa Jerry) to gloriously welcome him when he got to heaven. It calms my heart.
Benny’s right where he needs to be.
Even though it’s not with me, surely God and the angels were singing hallelujah when my angel boy made it to his heavenly home. And in fact, on my strong days, I say hallelujah as well. My goal as a mama is to help my children learn and grow in ways that bring them closer to the Lord so they can live again eternally with Him someday – and Benny is there. He made it. And the thought of that makes my mama heart rejoice. Even though it came much sooner than my mortal heart wanted, in my eternal perspective I can see just how wonderful it is to know right where my angel boy is and that his salvation is now certain because of our Savior. Now it’s just up to me to do my best to get to where he is, and to try and get my other two babies there too. (I’m pretty confident Tom has already sealed his ticket to heaven with his goodness.) And when that day comes that we’re reunited as an eternal family again, I’m certain the best word to describe it will indeed be – hallelujah.
Beautiful!!!
Oh my gosh, this made me cry just thinking of you listening to that song and crying. I’m sure a lot of music touches you in a way that is unique and probably really heart-wrenching sometimes. I can only imagine the hallelujahs you’ll shout when your little family is together again at last.