This weekend we were in Burley to spend the holiday with Tom’s mom. It was a really special weekend filled with the perfect combination of fun Easter activities (decorating eggs, making Peeps “race car” treats, an Easter egg hunt in the yard) and spiritual Easter moments as we pondered the true meaning of this important holiday. We loved that it was also General Conference weekend for our church. Seeing His living church and revelation literally manifest through the words of church leaders made the weekend all the more special and unique.
Since we knew we wouldn’t be at an in-person church meeting on Easter Sunday, we wore our matching Easter clothes last Sunday. It’s sweet to have these moments as a family, though there’s always the tiniest part of me that feels like our Benny is missing. Sometimes I like to imagine he’s in the picture somewhere, watching over us and spending those special moments with us in his heavenly way.
Easter means so much more to me this year than it ever has. Knowing our Savior lived and died and lives again gives me hope in the future and a reassurance that my sweet Benny lives as well. That hope is getting me through, and I even added a decoration to our home last week to continually remind me of the importance of the hope our Savior offers:
Since we were in Burley, we had the chance to stop by Benny’s grave. It’s always a sweet experience when we do, and this trip was particularly nice because the weather was warm and my mama heart wasn’t worried that my baby was cold. (I realize that still sounds crazy, but sometimes a mother’s love exceeds logic.) We were able to sit and enjoy the quiet, peaceful moments in the sunshine, remembering and talking about our angel boy. Isaac even gathered a little pile of rocks “for Benny.” We felt our angel boy there with us too, and I’m glad he knows how much we love and remember him.
My grandparents were also in Burley this weekend and we got the chance to take them to Benny’s grave as well. We’re so thankful we felt inspired to go visit them just two weeks before Benny passed away, so they were able to meet him in this life. Visiting them during the pandemic didn’t seem like the smartest idea at the time, but sometimes you do what you feel prompted to do and recognize the tender mercy it was later. I’m so grateful Benny was able to meet his great-grandparents before he left for his heavenly home, and I’m grateful we were all able to reminisce on those sweet moments this weekend.
On Saturday night after we’d put the kids to bed, I watched a live-streamed Easter concert by Millennial Choir and Orchestra. One of the songs they sang was “He’s Got the Whole World in His Hands” and let’s just say it brought me to tears. The third verse of the song says this:
He’s got the little bitty baby in his hands.
He’s got the little bitty baby in his hands.
He’s got the little bitty baby in his hands.
He’s got the whole world in his hands.
I’ve heard this song many times before (it’s definitely a girls camp favorite), but as I listened to it this time, I couldn’t help but think of how He has MY little bitty baby in His hands. Not just any little bitty baby. My little bitty baby Benny. Because my little bitty baby isn’t in my hands anymore. And that brought me to tears.
But thankfully they weren’t all sad tears. I’m really grateful for that.
I miss my angel boy so much. I often long to snuggle him and kiss his perfectly chubby cheeks just one more time. Those thoughts bring on the sad tears. But I’m grateful that now, as quickly as the sad tears come, they’re usually followed by the happy tears. The glad tears. The tears of gratitude when I think about the fact that I’ll see Benny again someday. That my angel boy is happy. That he lives. And that our Savior truly has my little bitty baby in His hands.
I believe that with all of my heart. I believe that because of our Savior – because of Easter and all that it means – there is hope. I have hope.
Because of His love for me, the love I feel for my angel boy is eternal.
Because of His death, Benny’s death isn’t the end.
Because He sacrificed His life, my life with Benny will continue forever.
Because of Easter and all of it means, I can find meaning in all that I go through.
My heart is so full of gratitude for all of this. And especially for Him.
It truly was a sweet Easter. (And thankfully because of more than just the candy.)
Beautiful!