It’s been almost five months since we lost Benny. Which means it’s been almost as long that he’s been gone that we had him on this earth. It makes my heart hurt, because the longer it goes, the further I feel from his memories.
Tonight I saw a picture of Isaac, Zoey, and Benny and I realized that I don’t feel as close to Benny as I do to the other two, at least not physically. I looked at the picture and feel like I really know Isaac and Zoey, since they’re still here and we spend so much time together. But, I don’t feel like I know Benny as well. I don’t feel like we’re making memories in the same way together, and it breaks my heart. Thankfully I do feel close to him in other ways, but my mama heart still wishes he was here. He was such an angel baby and sometimes the missing just hits me so hard.
As I was thinking about my sweet angel boy and the fact that I feel like I’m getting further and further from our memories together, it brought to mind a scripture:
“But Zion said, The Lord hath forsaken me, and my Lord hath forgotten me. Can a woman forget her…child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee. Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me.” Isaiah 49:14-16
As I read it tonight, I realized there is such truth in this scripture, in so many ways. I will never, ever forget my Benny. No matter how much time passes, my angel boy will always have a piece of my heart. No matter how memories may start to fade, I will never forget him. It would be impossible to forget my Benny and I’m so grateful for that.
With this weekend being Easter, I’ve been thinking a lot about our Savior and His sacrifice. For me. For all of us. I’ve been studying the crucifixion and Good Friday more, particularly as I’ve read the book “Considering the Cross” by John Hilton. It’s been life-changing for me as I’ve reflected on all that our Savior did and the suffering He experienced that led to us being “graven…upon the palms of [His] hands.” It’s awe-inspiring and I feel like I’ve become a better person as I’ve studied this particular aspect of the Holy Week.
Then, as I couple that with my feelings tonight of missing Benny, I realize just how sincere and deep the meaning is behind the scriptures I mentioned above. Truly a mother cannot forget her child. As a mother who has lost her child, the thought seems impossible. Yet the Savior says that is more likely to happen than Him forgetting us. And just like I’m grateful that I’ll never forget Benny, I’m even more grateful to know that He’ll never forget me. He’ll never forget any of us. As difficult as this life may feel at times, we are never forgotten. Through losing my angel boy and dealing with the grief and heartache that have come, I have never been forgotten. He has been there for me at every turn, and probably even in more ways than I’m aware of.
As humans, I think we all have this innate need and desire to feel remembered. To know that we’re not forgotten. Especially during our most difficult trials. Even when we’re surrounded by friends and family who help us feel loved, I’ve found there’s one source in my life that consistently and constantly makes me feel remembered.
Him.
Our Savior.
Just as the scriptures said, He will never forget us and I have felt that so much over the past five months. Perhaps more than I ever have in my life. I’m so grateful for Him and His perfect love. Somehow it surpasses even the love of a mother, which description I understand now in all the most profound ways. I’m grateful to feel that love and to have felt that love as I’ve worked to put the pieces back together of my mother heart. Because of Him, I feel like I’ve been able to and I’m grateful to be moving forward. Even though moving forward takes me further from being physically with my angel boy, it brings me closer to the day that I’ll see him again. And, it brings me closer to the day that I can personally thank my Savior for never forgetting me.
He has never forgotten me.
He will never forget me.
Just like I’ll never forget my Benny.
Beautiful!