We finally received Benny’s death certificate. When the funeral home director delivered it to us, Tom and I kind of looked at each other and thought, “What on earth do we do with this?” I suppose it’s needed if there’s a life insurance policy or something, which Benny didn’t have, but otherwise I’m not sure what we’ll need it for. So, we’ll file it away with all our other important paperwork and know it’s there if ever we need it. Sadly it’s filed right next to Benny’s birth certificate. Those two things shouldn’t be so close.
I’ve been anticipating receiving the death certificate because I knew it would list Benny’s cause of death. With his death being completely unexpected, we knew there wasn’t a cause that we were aware of. But, we didn’t know if maybe he had an underlying condition or something which contributed or led to his passing. The medical examiner did a full autopsy (which breaks my heart to think about) and sure enough, the death certificate listed the results.
“Cause of Death: Sudden Unexplained Infant Death.”
“Manner of Death: Not Determined.”
When I read it – when I saw it in black and white on the death certificate – it made my heart sink. As much as I don’t think I wanted to learn there was something underlying that led to us losing our angel boy, I think my heart secretly wanted answers. Tom and I have been talking about this, and he’s indicated that he’d almost feel better to learn there was something totally beyond our control that we couldn’t have changed. I’ve always said I didn’t want there to be an underlying issue because I actually feel the other way and like that means we could have changed something.
But here we are, four months later, with our baby boy’s death certificate in hand, and his death is unexplained. Unexplained. There are zero answers. Just like there was zero warning the morning we lost him.
It’s made me realize that sometimes in life, there are questions we don’t get answers to. Sometimes they’re little questions, and sometimes they’re really big questions. But not every question in life has an answer. And somehow we have to be okay with that.
As I’ve thought about being okay with the unanswered questions, I’ve realized that I can be okay with it (at least mostly) because of my faith. Because I have faith that even though I don’t have the answers, someone does. The Lord does. And I can trust Him. I’ve learned that in my life and I’m really grateful for that. That doesn’t stop my heart from wondering, but thankfully it stops my heart from worrying.
Through this experience, I’ve been thinking a lot about how the question of “why” and the principle of “faith” come together. I feel like I’ve had a lot of whys in my life lately (including today) but thankfully also a lot of faith in the difficult moments. In the end, I’m not sure that why and faith necessarily overlap. If we had the answers to all the whys, we wouldn’t need faith. But if we had all the faith, we wouldn’t have the whys or feel a need to ask the questions. I think we need both. I think I need both. I need to have whys, and I need to have faith. They whys strengthen my faith, and my faith strengthens my heart when I don’t have answers to the whys.
There are so many why questions in this life. So many why questions that, if we let them, can keep us stuck. One thing I’ve been so aware of throughout all this is not being stuck. I want to be able to move forward while also processing my grief. Of course I’ve got a million questions, but I’m trying not to get stuck in the not knowing because I’ve seen what a dark place that can lead to.
One thing I’ve been trying to do and which I feel is making a difference on my grief journey is turning my whys around. Flipping the script on my mind wanting to get stuck in the unknown whys and focusing on the positive whys that remind me why I keep going.
Instead of wondering why bad things have happened, I wonder why I’ve been so blessed to be able to get through them.
Instead of wondering why I lost my angel boy, I wonder why I was the lucky one who got to be his earthly mama.
Instead of wondering why he passed away, I wonder why we were so fortunate to bring home a healthy baby boy and have five wonderful months together.
Instead of wondering why I have to live my life without Benny, I wonder why the Lord is so good to give me two other wonderful children, an incredible husband, and the greatest friends and family this life offers.
Instead of wondering why I have to face this challenge, I wonder why I was blessed to grow up with a faith that taught me about eternal families and gives me hope and perspective for the future.
Instead of wondering why I don’t get to see my boy grow up, I wonder why I’m so lucky to have the faith that tells me I’ll see him again someday.
Instead of asking why me in the sense that this trial isn’t fair, I ask why me in the sense that I don’t deserve the incredible blessings I’ve been given.
Why did my baby die? Why was his life cut short? I just don’t know. I don’t have the answers. And unfortunately I’m no closer to the answers today than I was four months ago. But what I do know is that because of my faith, these unanswered whys sting a little less.
I have faith that someday, those whys will be answered. Definitely not in my time, but certainly in His. I believe in that. I trust in that. And I’m really, really grateful for that. Because I know that He is aware of me. He’s aware of my angel Benny. He’s aware of our little family. And despite the other unanswered whys, his love for all of us is one thing I never have to question.
Gosh, that certificate must feel like the coldest piece of paper in the world. : (
I love this idea of flipping the “why” and looking at the privileges instead of the pain. That shows such an incredible depth of spiritual understanding, Tiff. Thank you for sharing this.
Another hard moment, but I love your perspective!