March 21, 2021 – Forgiveness

Today our church had a regional meeting instead of individual local meetings.  The meetings were virtual, and as a mama of two very young and rambunctious children, I must say that listening to my kids screaming in the privacy of our own home is much preferred to hearing them scream while we try to contain them in a chapel or cultural hall for two hours.  I do miss gathering with my neighbors and friends, but there certainly are some benefits to remote worship.

One of the first speakers at the meeting today recounted an experience about a young boy who, after church services a few years ago, ran out of the church building into the parking lot and was run over by a neighbor’s car.  It was a tragic situation, with the young boy being pinned under the car’s tire.  Paramedics responded and life-flighted the boy to Primary Children’s Hospital.  After receiving a priesthood blessing, the boy was released later that same day without suffering any injuries.  It was truly a miracle. 

A second and equally powerful miracle today’s speaker shared as part of this same experience was the embrace that occurred between the young boy’s mother and the man who was driving the car that ran over her son.  In that embrace, which occurred as the paramedics took her son, the mother offered the driver her forgiveness and love.  It seems impossible that this mother could do so, especially before she even knew that her son would survive, but she did.  She exemplified pure charity and forgiveness, and the speaker recounted that it was nothing short of a miraculous experience.

The speaker’s talk then focused on the power of forgiveness and how healing it is when facing trials.  He also explained though how difficult it can be to forgive those who have wronged us.  He went on to say that if we don’t forgive others, we deny Christ’s power and His atoning sacrifice.  Forgiveness was a clear message in Christ’s teachings and throughout modern-day revelation, yet at times it can be so hard to do.

As I listened to this talk, I realized something that I don’t think I’ve fully processed since Benny passed away.  I realized I haven’t forgiven myself for Benny’s loss.  I didn’t entirely realize it – probably because I haven’t wanted to – but I feel guilt and responsibility for Benny’s death and I haven’t forgiven myself for that.

As humans, I think we have a tendency to want to place blame when things go wrong.  In the work I do, I explain to victims that they often blame themselves for what happened because they’re trying to take control back from a situation that was entirely beyond their control.  If we can attribute bad things to a certain cause, we can work to correct that cause so bad things won’t happen again.  Because we want to believe that bad things only happen because of bad circumstances.  It’s hard to wrap our minds around the fact that sometimes bad things just – happen.  Sometimes there’s nothing more we can do or could have done.  Sometimes situations are entirely beyond our control.

In my rational mind, the circumstances surrounding Benny’s loss were essentially beyond our control.  Of course there were things we could potentially have done differently, but we find peace in knowing we were where we needed to be, doing what we needed to do when he passed away, to the point that we believe the Lord could have prompted us to do something if that had been His will – and He didn’t.  We’ve made our peace with that.  At least, mostly.  I don’t think either Tom or I dwell on it and we’ve accepted that the Lord must have a grander purpose for our young son.  And hopefully for us as well.

But today, my human mind started to place blame.  And actually, I think subconsciously I’ve been doing it for the past four months.  I didn’t realize it until today, but I’ve been harboring some difficult feelings toward myself for the loss of my angel boy.  With no one else to blame, I’m left to blame myself.  I actually think it would be easier for me to forgive someone else, as the mother in the story did.  For some reason forgiving myself feels immensely more difficult – and that was a tough realization to come to today.  It stung.  It made me frustrated.  It made me sad.  It brought up so many of the emotions I’m working on healing. 

It made me wonder, if I had been a better mom, would we have seen a miracle like the family in the speaker’s story?  If I had been more faithful or righteous, would the Lord have spared our son?  If I had prayed harder, or if I had asked Tom to give Benny a blessing, would he still be here today?  If, if, if.  And not just if, but if I, if I, if I… I only blame myself.  I didn’t realize I do, but I do.  I know I shouldn’t, because rationally I know it’s not my fault.  But my angel boy is gone and my heart still aches and misses him, so I have to blame someone.  I have to attribute this grief to something.  And I guess as Benny’s mom, I attribute it to me. 

Grief is such a difficult process.  Blame never actually helps.  So why do we do it?  Why am I doing it, even though my rational mind tells me not to?  Maybe because I’m hoping that if I can “fix” everything I did wrong before – being a better mom, being more righteous, praying harder – something bad like this won’t happen again.  But all those things aren’t why this happened in the first place.  Goodness, like I’ve said a million times, grief and loss are such a difficult—and complicated—process.

One thing I realized though today as I sat and processed through some of these emotions was that even though I blame myself, and I think I’ve got some work to do in order to get through that, who I absolutely do not blame is God.  Not one bit.  If anything, I entirely credit and thank Him for the semblance of life I was able to maintain in the immediate aftermath of Benny’s death, as well as the peace and joy I’ve seen restored to my life since.  I praise Him for the honor of being Benny’s earthly mom, even though our time together was cut short (according to my mortal perspective).  He is the reason for all things good in my life, and never have I blamed Him for the challenges and trials I’ve faced.  I’m really grateful for that. 

I think that when, as humans, we don’t have anyone to blame for a really awful, tragic situation, it’s easy to turn our anger toward God and blame Him.  For not intervening.  For not preventing the tragedy.  For not sending a miracle.  It’s so easy to blame Him, as the Creator and Master of all things.  But similar to blaming ourselves – what good does that do?  Does it help us work through things?  Does it help us heal?  I’ve found that it doesn’t.  Maybe for some people it does, but I know for me it doesn’t.  If anything, it hinders my progress.  My acceptance of the situation.  My ability to move forward.  My healing.

I’ve got a long way to go in my healing, especially now that I’ve brought to the surface some challenging feeling I’ve been holding onto and burying deep.  I definitely think I took a step backward in the journey today.  But I believe I’m getting there.  I know I’m sure trying.  I’m working through the feelings I’m having and trying to find a place for them in my life.  I’m working on getting my heart and mind on the same page, so the things I know rationally (that Benny’s death wasn’t my fault) align with the feelings of my heart (which after today I realize still holds a fair amount of self-blame and guilt).  I’m grateful for a patient God who works through these things with me.  I’m grateful for the way He reminds me to be patient with myself.  I’m grateful that even though the miracle on that morning didn’t come in the way I was hoping, I’ve been able to see what feels like a thousand miracles since.  I’m grateful to know that even though I blame me, He doesn’t.  He loves me perfectly and I need to love myself that way.  I’m not there yet.  Until today, I didn’t realize how far away I was.  But I do have hope that through Him, I will work through this and somehow let go of the blame and guilt I feel.

I’m grateful for spring and the promise of new beginnings.  I hope that as this spring arrives (hopefully soon – the snow today certainly was a wintery surprise), I can feel a similar change of seasons in my life.  A season where I can let go of the pain and guilt I now realize on a very deep level I feel.  A season where I can move forward from the regret and doubt I’ve felt as a mama since I lost my angel boy.  A season where I can focus on the sunshine and warmth that come when I feel my Benny close.  A season where I can grow in my faith and my Savior’s love. 

A season of change. 

A season of growth. 

A season of letting go. 

A season of new beginnings. 

A season of hope.