March 16, 2021 – Don’t give up

After Benny passed away, we had quite a few people send us flowers or plants as a sign of their condolences.  As someone who absolutely loves flowers, they definitely brightened our home and I was so grateful for the life they brought to a time that was tragically dark.

A few days after Benny’s funeral, we went out of town.  It was nice to get away with our little family and just breathe.  We were never really serious, but we did have conversations while we were there about not coming back.  Selling our home in Utah and moving to Arizona.  We came home to such light and goodness and love though that we wouldn’t change for anything.  One thing I definitely didn’t want to come home to, however, was dead flowers.  Honestly, I couldn’t take one more reminder in my life that things die and this mortal experience is only temporary. 

So, before we left we gave away all the beautiful flowers we’d been given.  We wanted them to brighten others’ homes the way they’d brightened ours, especially since we were leaving.  We were strategic about the recipients and passed them along to those who had served us in unique and meaningful ways.  We actually wished we’d had flowers to give to everyone!  It felt good to, in a very small way, give back to some of those who had given so much to us. 

While we gave most of the flowers away, we kept nearly all the plants we’d received as we figured they’d still be alive when we got back.  We arranged to have someone water them while we were away, and sure enough, they were doing great when we got home two weeks later.

Over the past four months though (and I can hardly believe it’s been four months today since our angel boy went to heaven), the plants have waned a bit.  Some are doing well, but others aren’t.  I don’t have a green thumb in the least, and Tom has mentioned he doesn’t really either.  So, my thought was that when the plants started to die, we would just throw them out.  It really is crazy the emotional impact I feel when I see dying plants.  But Tom, bless his heart, has been so invested in keeping these plants alive.  Just as I don’t want to have anything dying in our home, I think he has a similar sentiment but in the sense of needing to take extra care to keep them alive. 

I’ve had my doubts, but he has faithfully watered them regularly.  I’ve given up, but he hasn’t.  He has persevered, and guess what?  Yesterday as I was making dinner, I noticed the one that sits in our kitchen window behind the sink:

Wouldn’t you know – the flowers on this peace lily plant are coming back.  And it’s absolutely beautiful. 

Tom didn’t give up.  Even when the outlook for these plants looked bleak, he kept with it.  He was determined.  He cared.  And he’s brought them back to life.

Recently I had another friend send me a picture of a flower I’d given her quite a while ago, and she shared that it too had some rough moments, but like Tom, she didn’t give up on it and now it’s blooming in such a beautiful way. 

I couldn’t help think about both of these situations in a grander sense.  I feel like there are so many lessons to be learned through nature.  There really is something to be said for not giving up and not giving in when things get tough, even if they seem hopeless.  I wanted to give up on the plants.  Tom didn’t.  I would have thrown them out months ago, but he kept watering them and tending to them.  He looked at them and believed there was still life somewhere inside, so he didn’t give up. And now they’re doing great.  I’m so grateful to have a husband like him.

What I’ve learned though is not just the principle of not giving up, but putting forth effort once you’ve decided not to give up.  Sometimes we do have to give up on things, for a multitude of reasons.  I’ve had to give up on seeing a future with my Benny (at least in this life).  I’ve had to give up on the earthly hopes and dreams I had for him.  But I don’t have to give up on him.  I don’t have to give up on me.  I’ve wanted to.  Goodness, there have been so many moments during this grief journey that I wanted to give up, especially on myself.  I suppose in some of the most difficult moments maybe I did for a second.  But overall I’ve been pushing on.  I’ve been convincing myself in those dark moments not to give up.  Thankfully other people have been there to remind and encourage me not to give up as well. 

But not giving up isn’t enough.  Yes, I can endure and hang on, white-knuckled through life as I just “don’t give up” – or I can push through and find myself stronger somehow on the other side of this.  I’ve seen and experienced enough in my life to know that if we’re willing to put in some good faith effort in not giving up, the reward is better than we could’ve thought.  The Lord is so good and if we’re willing to put forth our effort—even the smallest effort—He’ll match it a hundred-fold.  His mercy and grace are so amazing that way.

So many moments of this experience have been me just hanging on.  And thankfully, I think that’s okay.  But I don’t want to just hang on.  It’s exhausting.  If I’m going to wear myself out, I’d rather it be in becoming a better person.  In becoming more like our Savior.  In becoming a strong mama who my angel Benny would be proud of.  I want to grow and make this experience worth something.  Not just for me, but for my family and everyone we love. 

I came across this quote by Brene Brown today – she’s so wise and I love her perspectives on things.

“One day you will tell your story of how you overcame what you went through and it will be someone else’s survival guide.” 

I’ve been trying so hard through this journey to capture my thoughts and feelings and experiences so I can look back on them and see how I’ve been able to survive.  I’ve also wanted to capture all the many miracles we’ve seen along the way.  It’s so important to write things down, and I’m grateful for how it’s been so healing for me to do so over the last four months.  But as I’m thinking about it, I think I’ve realized that I’m not just writing it down for me.  Not that I think anyone else is necessarily reading this, but as I read and look back on this journey, I am able to continue learning from the experience of losing my angel boy, and that in turn helps me feel compassion and empathy for others who may be facing challenges.  I don’t want to go through this for nothing.  I know that’s not the Lord’s plan.  I want this to mean something.  Benny means something.  And losing him has meant something.  It’s helped me grow in ways I couldn’t have expected, and I hope somewhere along the way I can use it to help others.  If nothing else, it’s helped me be more kind and understanding, and I’m certainly grateful for that.

So I won’t give up.  At least, I’ll continue to do my best not to.  I’ll follow the example of my dear husband, and my sweet friend, and our perfect Savior as I press forward and continue to water the garden of my life and faith. I’ll trust that there’s life still deep inside me that is just waiting to be brought back.  I won’t give up.  I’m putting that in writing so I can hold myself to it.  Some days are harder than others, but every day is a chance for growth – if I’m willing to see it that way and put in the effort.  And soon, just like the plant that Tom cared for and nearly brought back to life, I’ll see my life blooming and, if I look for it, hopefully even more beautiful than ever.