March 8, 2021 – Almost

It’s amazing the roller coaster of emotions that come even when I feel like otherwise I’m doing okay.  I’m grateful that when the emotions come (especially the really difficult ones) I’m starting to recognize the grief behind them and process through it in manageable ways.  This weekend provided a few of those moments to process – even though we’re doing well, we still have plenty of ups and downs.  One experience was especially challenging, but I’m grateful to our angel boy for the miracle he worked that helped everything turn out okay. 

Saturday night, we put our babies to bed and about an hour later, we heard a noise from their room.  When we went to check, we saw that Isaac had climbed out of his crib, gone to the bathroom, pulled out a bottle of lotion and a tub of body butter from the drawer, and smeared them all over himself, Zoey, and their room.  It was everywhere and both of them were COVERED.  I was surprised by my reaction – it actually struck me as really cute and funny, instead of being frustrated by the mess they’d made for us to clean up.  (Unfortunately Tom didn’t see it the same way, which is why I wasn’t able to get pictures because I didn’t want to make things worse!) 

We gave them a tub and got everything cleaned up, but after they’d gone back to bed, I felt so uneasy.  The rest of the night something was off, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.  I talked to Tom to see if he was feeling anything, but he wasn’t.  I just didn’t know what was weighing on me.

I get especially worried now when I have feelings like this, given everything that happened with Benny and the fact that I didn’t get any impressions or feelings of uneasiness that day.  I’ve always tried to pray for guidance when it comes to my babies, but I’ve done so even more over the past few months.  I want to stand ready and waiting in case the Lord needs me to be aware of something, so whenever I have a sense that something is off, I pay really particular attention.

As the night went on, I couldn’t stop worrying and thinking something was wrong.  I then told Tom I felt like I needed to sleep in the kids’ room with them that night, just to ease some of my concern.  Somehow thinking about doing that made me feel better. 

Trying to sort through those feelings and why sleeping in my babies’ room somehow eased my concern, it hit me.  The reason I was so uncomfortable was because something had happened in our home, with our children, just a few feet from where we were – and we had no idea.  Something that could have gone horribly wrong.  Thankfully it didn’t, but that potential was there.  And there would’ve been nothing I could have done about it.  Just like there was nothing I could have done the morning Benny passed away.  And that realization was like a punch in the gut.

It was all just this confusing mix of emotions and easiness flooding my heart and mind Saturday night.  Sleeping in the babies’ room did help, and I was grateful for that.  I was grateful for Tom’s support and kindness in not judging me for wanting to do so.  I was grateful for my own willingness to just own my emotions and do what I felt was right, even though it seemed silly.  It helped.  And everything turned out just fine.

But that almost wasn’t the case.  Things could have been much, much worse.  Thanks to Benny though, they weren’t. 

When I went in to give the babies a tub, I discovered something I hadn’t initially noticed when we first got to their room.  All the cleaning supplies that had been under the sink were now sitting on top of the counter, along with a bottle of nail polish remover.  Meaning, Isaac had taken these bottles out from under the sink and put them up on the counter, totally disregarding them in favor of the lotions.  Talk about a parenting moment where you realize you really dodged a bullet, almost literally.  All it would’ve taken was one of those lids to come off, a few squirts of the pretty blue Windex in one of their mouths, easily removing the lid from the pastel nail polish remover and taking a drink… It would have just taken seconds and our life would have been changed forever.  Again.

But that’s not what happened.  Thank the good Lord that’s not what happened. 

Though when I saw it, my heart absolutely sunk realizing how easily it could have happened. 

But as quickly as those emotions came, my heart took comfort because I knew – I just knew – that it didn’t happen thanks to Benny.  I had the strongest impression that our angel boy had helped navigate that situation with Isaac, to the point of somehow discouraging him from taking interest in any of the cleaning supply bottles in favor of the lotion bottles.  There’s honestly no other explanation.  It was a miracle, and we know it was Benny.

When our sweet boy passed away, we were reassured through priesthood blessings and our own personal revelation that Benny would be a guardian angel over our family throughout our lives.  Saturday night was a tangible example of that blessing coming true.  I think we’ll be tapping into those heavenly powers more often than not, and it was so reassuring to see and feel that miracle as a witness of what surely will be to come as our angel boy continues to be an important part of our family.

In those moments of uneasiness Saturday night, I couldn’t help but think back to the morning Benny passed away and how we had been sitting right there, just a few feet from our angel boy’s room, as he likely took his last breath.  And I couldn’t help but think how that situation could have just repeated itself again in our lives.  Thankfully our angel boy ensured that wasn’t the case, but it almost was.  And it reminded me that unfortunately really awful things happen.  Even in our home.  Even with our sweet, perfect babies.  Even when we’re sitting a few feet away.  And in some cases, there’s nothing I can do about it.

That’s the world Tom and I live in now.  It’s the world I think any parent who loses a child lives in.  A world where no matter how hard we try, challenges still come.  Tough things still happen.  Our family still faces tragedy and heartache.  And that’s a reality we’re working to accept and learn to cope with.  This journey of grief has been just that – a journey.  And I’m realizing now that even though our initial and acute healing seems to have passed, there are still so many things we’re working through as time moves on. 

And indeed, time is moving on.  Benny’s been gone almost four months now.  I can hardly comprehend that.  Tomorrow would be his nine-month “birthday.”  He’s almost been gone as long as we had him here on earth.  I’m really grateful though that not a day of the past four months has gone by without me feeling my angel boy close, without experiencing his sweet, comforting spirit guiding me and helping me when I need him.  And helping our little Isaac and Zoey when they need it.  We all needed it on Saturday night, and sure enough he was right there, compensating for our parenting mistake of leaving cleaning supplies within reach of our babies.  (Needless to say, the cleaning supplies throughout the house are now safely out of reach of both I and Z – and in some cases, even me.)  Benny was right there, watching over us all.  The height of the potential pain associated with the knowledge of how tragically things could have gone was matched only by the depth of my gratitude for our angel boy making sure things turned out okay.  I’m so grateful for him.  I’m grateful to the Lord for giving me him.  And I’m grateful I’ve still got two beautiful angel babies left on this earth. 

Life is precious.  My time with Isaac and Zoey is precious.  I’m trying to be present in every moment and not take a second for granted, because I think I did that too much with Benny.  I wish I could have those moments with him back, but since I can’t, I’ll make the most of my time with his brother and sister.  This weekend I was reminded again just how quickly things can change – and how quick they almost changed with us.  But thanks to Benny, everything turned out fine.  And not just fine, but thankfully really great.  Well, almost!