One thing I’ve been thinking about lately is the idea of tests. It’s been a topic in the scriptures and talks I’ve been reading as part of my gospel study, and with it being midterms on the campus where I work, the idea of tests seems to be ever-present.
In thinking about tests, I’ve been focusing on the fact that tests are usually designed as a way to gauge understanding. I used to teach on the campus where I now work, as well as at another campus here in Utah, and tests were a great way for me as the instructor to evaluate where my students were and where they may need a little help. Through the course exams, I could pretty easily determine who was putting forth effort in the class and was committed to learning the principles – and who wasn’t. I’m pretty sure the students never really enjoyed the tests, but as the professor, the tests were invaluable for my evaluation of each student individually.
As I’ve thought about this more in the context of my life, I’ve wondered if, in a weird way, losing Benny was a “midterm” in my life. With my 40th birthday quickly approaching, I definitely feel as though that midpoint of my life is nearing (I want to live to be 100, but we’ll see). I can’t help but wonder if through this experience, our great Instructor was trying to gauge where I’m at. Where my commitment to living His gospel is at. Whether or not my testimony is rooted on His sure foundation. Whether or not I’m living up to the blessings I’ve been given, including being a mama to my three sweet babies.
Don’t get me wrong – I don’t think the Lord would take Benny away simply as a test to me. I trust He has a greater, grander plan than my mortal mind can comprehend. But I do think that sometimes the Lord uses experiences in our lives, particularly those that are most difficult, to see where we are and where we still need to grow. And, just like tests in school, we too can use our trials to show the Lord our effort and commitment as His students and see a reflection of where we, as the students, may still need some work.
I’m grateful that as I’ve thought about this more and talked to my angel boy about it, I feel like I did okay on this “test” – or at least that I’m doing okay. I may not have gotten an A, but I’m pretty confident I didn’t fail. I feel like even though it was hard – the hardest thing I’ve ever been through – I’m coming out of it stronger than before and with more faith and trust in the Lord than ever. And because of that, I’m actually kind of proud of myself. I’m proud that when faced with this particular trial, I turned first to Him. I’m proud that when the rest of our world fell apart, our little family grew closer together. I’m proud that amidst the tears, and the grief, and the heartache, I haven’t lost sight of His eternal plan.
I hope my sweet angel boy is proud of his mama, too, and the way I’ve tried to navigate the difficult reality of his loss. Goodness, do I want to make him proud.
Tests are never easy, but they sure are effective at helping us know where we are.
As I think back to my days as a professor, I was grateful for midterms because I knew that’s all they were – a midpoint check – and thus I’d still have time with those students who were struggling or needed my help. It was my goal, as I know is the goal of all teachers, to help my students learn and grow and succeed in the course. Their success was my success. I wanted them all to succeed and did my best to help them do so. Some students would accept the help and put forth effort in the class and get a good grade. Others, no matter how much I tried to help, didn’t seem to care and accepted a mediocre or even poor grade. As the professor, I did everything I could and gave them everything within my power to help them be successful in the course, but at the end of the day, it was up to them.
I know our Father and His plan follow a similar pattern. He is there to help us succeed. If we put forth a good faith effort and turn to Him, He’ll provide us with absolutely everything we need to pass this test of life – and then some. But if we don’t put forth effort, there are no guarantees. We may through some luck be able to breeze through life, but in the end that won’t do us any good. None of us escape this life without trials, so why not look at them as an opportunity to check ourselves and our progress in becoming who we want to be? Why not look at life’s tests as a way to evaluate what we’ve learned, how we’re living it, and where we want to go?
Thinking of losing Benny as a “midterm” where I can show the Lord where I’m at, and where all my “studies” in life thus far have brought me, may seem odd. But for me, it’s surprisingly been comforting. I’ve never been a fan of tests – really, who is? But, I have been a fan of learning and growing and becoming better, in whatever way I can. The trial of losing my sweet boy has given me the opportunity to do just that, to reflect on my life and who I am and who I want to become. Tests are funny that way. They really are more reflective than anything, and in the reflection we find true growth.
Perhaps the Lord tested me in the premortal life to determine if I was worthy of being the mother to three perfectly wonderful babies. Perhaps He’s testing me now by calling one of those babies home far sooner than my mama heart even thought was possible. I try not to question and I certainly don’t pretend to understand all His reasons or timing or why things happen the way they do, but I do understand and in my heart know this – as the greatest Instructor we could have, He is always there to help us succeed. He is always there to show us how to pass the test if we’re willing to listen and follow Him. He has taken this test Himself and passed it with perfection. He in fact created the test – and He created us. He knows how to help us during even our most trying tests, because He faced the most trying test Himself. And He did it all for us.
His motive is love. His work is our lives. His purpose is our joy. And no matter what test He gives us, He will never, ever leave us alone to take it.
This is a really powerful perspective, Tiff. I like your analogy of a professor giving an exam and seeing which students are putting in the effort —the test isn’t something mean from the teacher, it’s simply an evaluation.
If anyone has received an A+ on life’s midterm, though, it’s you, girl. And I think you also deserve extra credit for being a “tutor” to the rest of us. Thanks for sharing your heart.