Things have been going pretty well for us lately. The days seem to be flying by and I can’t believe we’re already a sixth of the way through the new year. But we’re doing okay. Even good mostly. I’m really grateful for that. It’s been three and a half months now, and it truly is amazing what time has done.
Even still, we have moments every now and then where the reality of Benny’s loss hits us. Usually in small and random ways. Today it was putting away the books Isaac had gotten out and seeing “The Berenstain Bears New Baby” book that we’d bought him and Zoey when Benny was born. It’s astounding the flood of memories that can come up with even the smallest of things.
When I found out I was pregnant with Benny, the doctor realized I was actually six weeks further than I’d thought. Instead of being nine weeks at my first appointment, the ultrasound showed I was 15 weeks along. We were definitely all a little surprised in that first ultrasound to see little arms and legs instead of the little peanut shape most babies are at 9 weeks! Most women would be happy to know they’d skipped forward six weeks in pregnancy, but my heart broke a little because I felt like I’d lost six weeks that I could have been enjoying. I knew this was the last baby that I’d carry, and I wanted to soak up every minute of it. Skipping those six weeks was certainly surprising, but it made me even more determined to appreciate the rest of the weeks that I did have.
My mama heart still aches for my little one and the memories I have of my blessed nine months with him before he was born and the five months of memories we had with him here on this earth. There really was something special about our Benny and we knew it right from the very start.
Sometimes it doesn’t feel real that those memories are over. Tom and I were just talking tonight about how almost surreal it feels that one of our children passed away. We miss our sweet Benny more than words can express, but we’re so grateful for the peace we find as we focus on the perspective we have from our faith and the hope it gives us. And the hope we feel from other people.
Today we had an experience with other people that reminded us of the kindness and goodness that still exist in this world and that hope that filled our hearts as a result.
Yesterday morning we turned a page in the chapter of our family book – Isaac learned to climb out of his crib. And then he helped Zoey climb out of hers. They both came running up to our room and Isaac was so excited to tell us all about his newfound ability. (Honestly, he probably could have done it months ago, but he saw Zoey try it once and fall, and we think it scared him from trying himself until now.) The days of putting the babies to bed and knowing in the morning they’ll be right where we left them are gone. They’re growing up too fast! And needless to say, our weekend was spent shopping for “big kid” beds.
As we were at RC Willey this afternoon looking at kids furniture, we came across a couple with two young children about Isaac and Zoey’s age. Isaac was looking at this retro video game display and then the couple’s young son came up and wanted to check it out. (The displays at RC Willey really are pretty awesome. And it always smells amazing there. But I digress.)
The mother of this young boy asked me how old Isaac was (her son was 4 and she figured they were similar ages because of how tall and well-spoken Isaac is) and then she asked about Zoey. She then told me the ages of her children (4-years-old and 7 months) and asked me if I worked or stayed home with my children. I replied that I work outside the home, and she commended me for somehow balancing it all. (If only she knew the chaos it usually is.) Her husband then joined in and was talking about their children and the ages and how they’d hoped to have them closer (though not quite as close as our Irish twins!). This led to more conversation with this incredibly kind, caring couple randomly at the furniture store.
They were so kind that I even ended up telling them that we actually had three children, with an angel son now in heaven. Usually when strangers ask me how many children I have, I respond with “two” because I don’t want to get into the harrowing and uncomfortable truth that I’ve had three but now only two are living. In fact, when this couple asked, that was my initial response. It’s just not usually worth drudging up all the emotions, especially in a fleeting conversation. But when someone sincerely seems to be interested, I absolutely want to talk about my angel boy and share his beautiful light. I want everyone to know about Benny and his goodness. I was grateful to be able to share that with this couple today because they were so gracious and compassionate. As Tom and I walked away, we couldn’t help but comment how invested this couple seemed to be in us, total strangers they came across while shopping for a bed.
It was then that it hit me – why not? Why not take a genuine and sincere interest in those around us, even if they’re strangers and we may never see them again? Why not make people feel valued, even if we only play a five-minute role in their life story?
We’ll likely never see that family again – the world is sadly just too big. But for those few minutes in RC Willey today, they made us feel seen and cared for and loved. They were kind in a way that I think is rare these days, and it meant more than I could thank them for. They had no underlying motive – they were just kind people who struck up a conversation with some strangers.
We often talk about the golden rule, which is doing unto others as you would want done unto you. In my line of work, I’ve learned to help people take it a step further and follow the platinum rule, which is doing unto others as they want done unto themselves. Not everyone responds to things the same way, so doing unto others as you would like done unto you is a good first step but often not enough. Finding out what others want and need and then doing that is most definitely a better approach.
Over the years though, as I’ve considered the golden rule and the platinum rule I’ve realized there’s a “rule” that takes it even a step further, and I’ve started calling it the diamond rule – doing unto others as Christ would do. Christ treated everyone with love and concern and compassion. He was often found with those whom society had deemed unworthy, or unclean, or unlovable. This quote from Sister Michelle Craig expresses it well:
“Jesus Christ sees people deeply. He sees individuals, their needs, and who they can become. Where others saw fishermen, sinners, or publicans, Jesus saw disciples; where others saw a man possessed by devils, Jesus looked past the outward distress, acknowledged the man, and healed him. Even in our busy lives, we can follow the example of Jesus and see individuals—their needs, their faith, their struggle, and who they can become.”
When we strive to see people deeply, as Jesus Christ did, and then treat them accordingly, suddenly the world becomes full of meaningful opportunities to make people feel loved and valued. Just like this couple in the store today – they were kind and considerate toward us, complete strangers, in a Christlike way that made us feel seen. These total strangers inspired me to be a better stranger and stop assuming that just because people are strangers or I’ll never see them again that it’s not worth investing any sort of energy into the interaction. It’s always worth it. People are worth it. And I think that’s about the most Christlike thing we can learn in this life. We are all worth it to Him, so we should be worth it to each other.
I’m grateful for the people who have felt our family was worth it recently. There have been so many – family and friends and neighbors, but also complete and total strangers. I remember when we were in Arizona the week after Benny passed and whenever someone was especially kind or went out of their way to help us, I said a quick prayer to ask the Lord to bless them for being kind to a family in need, especially when they didn’t even know it. Similarly, whenever anyone was inconsiderate or unkind, it hurt even more and I wanted to tell them, “Don’t you know we just lost our son?” People certainly are kinder when they learn things like that, but it’s made me reflect that people are always facing something hard. We don’t always know what it is, and in most cases we probably won’t. But everyone faces their own struggles and challenges. And sometimes they’re pretty excruciating and may even feel impossible. Everyone can use a little more compassion and kindness. Everyone. So if we approach people assuming they are in need, we’re probably right and that gives us incentive to be a little more Christlike.
I’m certainly going to work on this. The couple we met today inspired me to do so. I want to help people feel valued and loved. I want to see people deeply. I want to follow the diamond rule and treat people the way the Savior would. I want to help people feel the light of my sweet boy. I never want people’s pain to be magnified because I wasn’t kind. We should always just be kind.
I need to be more kind. I think generally I do okay (I’m never intentionally unkind or anything like that), but my human side is impatient and selfish, neither of which lends to kindness. I’m grateful though that through the grace of God, I can keep trying. I can be a little kinder today than I was yesterday. I can look for opportunities with those I love and even with strangers to share our Savior’s light and my sweet little Benny’s light of goodness. It may not always make a difference, but sometimes it may. And it certainly can’t hurt.
So I’m going to do it.
I’m really grateful for reminders like today of how I can do and be better, especially for my sweet boy. Someday I’ll see him again, and when I do, I want him to know that his mama tried to be kind. And not just with people I know or when it was convenient, but that kindness and being Christlike became part of who I am. Because that’s part of who he is and who he inspires me to become every single day.
I love the diamond rule! Why great advice about being kind, I love this post!