Today was a tough day. And a good day. And an up and down day. Goodness, most days lately have seemed that way.
I’ve been religiously keeping a journal every day since Zoey was born, which makes over twenty months now. I’ve kept a journal on-and-off throughout my life, but these last two-ish years I’ve been incredibly and surprisingly consistent. I’m so grateful I have because I have my sweet babies’ entire lives recorded (except for Isaac’s first few months – sorry, bud). It’s even more meaningful now that Benny is gone. I can look back and remember every day of his five months and reminisce about the love he brought to our lives and the joy we felt as a family.
In the past, each day in my journal I would start with something along the lines of “today was a good day” or “overall today was a good day, but with some tough moments” and occasionally “today was a hard day.” I could somehow sum up my days in one phrase or emotion. As I’ve been keeping my journal these past two weeks, I’ve noticed I can’t do that. Some days start out hard but turn out fine. Some days start out fine but then end up really hard. I feel like I’m living hour to hour, and at times even minute to minute. The waves of emotions are intense and they’re real. Sometimes I miss being able to just sum things up at the end of the day in a single sentence. And only occasionally experience a hard day.
Yesterday we took the kids to the Phoenix temple. It was a perfect Sunday activity. Even though the grounds were closed, we were still able to walk around the perimeter of the temple and feel its peace.
As I was walking around, I felt the need to tell Benny I missed him. The tears started to come as I let my sweet boy know that my heart hurts that he’s not here with me. I’m grateful for the reassurance that then came that he is happy and doing well. I also then distinctly feel that Benny was encouraging me to take care of Isaac and Zoey. I’ve been trying to do my best, but it’s been (not surprisingly) hard to give them the love and attention they need and deserve when I’m barely able to function at times myself. I didn’t feel sweet Benny was being critical, but rather reminding me that my other sweet babies need my love, too, and by missing him I may be missing some things with them. It was a reminder that I needed, though today I’ve realized that to “take care of Isaac and Zoey” may look differently than my mama heart expected.
On Saturday, our dear friends Riley and Kate offered to watch our sweet babies so Tom and I could have some time together. While it wasn’t our most exciting date, and I felt pretty melancholy most of the time we were away, I realized that it was good for me to be able to not feel guilty about whatever I was feeling and how that may be negatively impacting Isaac and Zoey or taking away from what they need. That night, I was telling Tom how much I loved this extra time we’ve had with our sweet babies, but it’s hard for me to be able to take care of them in the ways that they need. They’re at ages as toddlers where they require a lot and have a lot of energy, and unfortunately I don’t have much to give right now. We had decided to extend our trip another week, and while I was grateful we could do so, I worried about whether or not I’d be able to take care of the babies and myself without help from family or friends.
Enter the Lord working a tender mercy and answering the prayer of my heart.
Last night, Riley again texted Tom and said the spirit had been pressing on his heart to offer to take our sweet babies for the next few days, so Tom and I could have time alone to process and work through things – and hopefully start to heal. He said he realized we’d never ask, so that’s why he wanted to offer. As we read his message, the tears started to flow at the selfless service he was offering and the direct answer it was to my prayers—prayers that only the Lord knew. Yet another reminder that the Lord loves us and is aware of us and sends amazing people to answer our prayers with their goodness.
Today Riley showed up to take the babies, and as good as I know it was, it broke my mama heart a little. They were excited, and it’s such a gracious thing of Riley and Kate to do. It just feels so counterintuitive to me to let someone else take care of my babies, when all I want right now is to hold them close and never let go – like I wished I didn’t have to let Benny go. But, I can’t give Isaac and Zoey what they need right now. Like the classic analogy of using oxygen on an airplane, I have to take care of myself before I can help anyone else. But that’s hard for me. I think it’s hard for all mamas. And it hurts. I feel like somehow it adds to the hurt I’m already experiencing by making me feel like I’m failing as a mom. I should be able to take care of my kids, right? Isaac and Zoey need me and I’m letting someone else take them? Maybe if I had taken better care of Benny, he’d still be here? So many emotions and feelings. It’s a vicious and dangerous spiral I found myself sinking into this afternoon. So I went on a walk. I wanted some reassurance from Benny that I hadn’t been a terrible mom and that it was okay that Isaac and Zoey were being loved by someone else for the next few days.
Goodness, the Lord is good. And so is my sweet Benny. While I walked, I felt that not only was I an okay mom (which is all I’m hoping for these days) but that it was a good thing for Isaac and Zoey to be with Riley and Kate right now. With them, my sweet babies will get the love and attention their little hearts need. Riley and Kate can care for them in the ways that they deserve right now, and which I’m not entirely able to give. By having them away, I can work on really securing my own oxygen mask (from the previous analogy) and taking in some deep breaths so I can continue to help them as we all try to move forward in our new reality. I felt my sweet Benny reassure me that when he reminded me yesterday to “take care of Isaac and Zoey” this is part of what he meant. And that as time goes on, caring for Isaac and Zoey will continue to look different than I may expect and that’s okay. And that it’s good for me to get help from others, so I have time to take care of myself, too. Because it’s important I take care of myself. My mind, my body, and my spirit. My sweet Benny reminded me of all those things today. And that I’m the best mom for Isaac and Zoey. And that I was for him, too. I really needed that.
I may not yet be the mom my kids deserve, but I sure hope I’ll get there. And I may not have been a perfect mom for Benny during his brief life, but I sure tried. I hope my kids always know I tried. If nothing else, their mama tried. And that I’ll keep trying. Every moment I can. And that I love them. So very much. And that whatever it takes, I’ll always take care of them. Whether it be in this life or the next, I’ll take care of them. And I’ll try to take care of myself, too, so together we can all do and be our best.
So, actually – overall, today was a pretty good day.