February 2, 2021 – Can’t wait-ers and should have-rs

Yesterday our family started a tradition of having “love buckets” out for the month of February, to celebrate the love we have in our family and share the things we admire about each other.  Isaac and Zoey are a little young to fully understand it, but they do love “writing” the notes and putting them in the buckets!  This is a tradition I’ve always wanted to start in our family, but I was waiting for us to be “complete” so I could make sure we knew how many buckets to buy so they would all match.  Goodness, I’ve realized through all of this not to wait for anything, especially silly things like matching buckets. There’s certainly no better time than today to capture all the moments we can and enjoy every precious minute we have with our loved ones.  I’m grateful how my angel boy continues to remind me of that.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately and realizing how much of a “can’t wait-er” I used to be. 

“I can’t wait until I’m married.” 

“I can’t wait until I have kids.” 

“I can’t wait until I’m done with school.” 

“I can’t wait until I’m established in my career.” 

“I can’t wait until I’m not living paycheck to paycheck and have tons of extra money.” 

“I can’t wait until I’m grown up and can do whatever I want.” 

“I can’t wait…”  

“I can’t wait…” 

For a long time, I think I thought of it as being hopeful for the future and shooting for the stars.  But then I realized I was setting myself up to feel like something was missing – and it always felt like something was missing.  Or that I wasn’t quite where I wanted to be.  Or doing what I thought I should be doing. 

Because something more was coming. 

And whenever I got, or achieved, or became whatever it was I was waiting for, everything would be better. 

But it wasn’t always better, because then I’d just find myself waiting for the next thing.  The next big life step.  The next goal that would make life rosy and wonderful and everything I’d always dreamed of. 

Thankfully over the past six years or so, I’ve learned to live more fully in the present and enjoy the state of life I’m in, whatever it looks like and whether or not it’s what I expected it to be.  It’s made so much of a difference, and I’m really glad I’ve gained some perspective.  But, I think that little “can’t wait-er” is still lingering in the back of my mind, probably in all of our minds, making us feel from time to time, and especially in difficult times, that we just “can’t wait” for something else. 

I definitely found myself thinking that when Benny passed away. 

“I can’t wait until I feel normal again.” 

“I can’t wait until it’s been a year and I know I survived.” 

“I can’t wait until I can go a day without crying.” 

There it was – the “can’t wait-er” back with a bit of a vengeance.  Trying to make me feel like things can’t be enough just the way they are.  I mean, how could they be?  My angel boy was gone.  My heart felt like it had a hole in it.  Sometime definitely felt missing.  And my little “can’t wait-er” saw an opportunity. 

It’s been tough to try and keep my perspective, but I’m grateful for the life experiences I’ve had in the past that have helped me see through some of the confusion and frustration and realize I’m actually doing okay.  Things will hopefully continue to get better, but I can’t worry about being a “can’t wait-er” and hoping for the future to be better.  I can be better now.  I can start to work on things now.  I feel like Benny is reminding me of that all the time.  And thankfully encouraging me every step of the way. 

My angel boy is also reminding me that as much as I can’t live in the future, I really shouldn’t live in the past.  In addition to being a “can’t wait-er” I think I’ve also had a tendency to be a “should have-r.”  Especially since Benny passed away.

“I should have held him more.”

“I should have spent more time with him and less time at work.”

“I should have checked on him that morning.”

“I should have been a better mother.”

In all of us, I think it’s easy to get caught up in what we should have done, especially in situations of loss.  And if you’re anything like me, that “should have-r” in the back of your mind nags you with thoughts of not only your present not being enough, but also your past.  I worry about all the things I could have done better.  I want to go back and fix them.  I want to make everything okay.  Because how can I ever truly move forward if I’ve left things undone?  Hurts unforgiven?  Words unsaid?  Mistakes uncorrected?  

This week in my gospel study, I read and pondered on the story of two young men, trying their best to do God’s work, giving it their all day-in and day-out, but then making a pretty significant mistake along the way.  One that could have been prevented.  One the Lord all but warned them of.  One that almost cost them the ability to continue in the work.  They stewed and fretted over the situation and from all accounts felt simply awful.  Like they’d let down their friends.  Like they’d let down their families. Like they’d let down themselves.  Like they’d let down the Lord.  They wanted to desperately go back and fix the mistake that had been made, but that wasn’t the Lord’s plan.  That’s not what He needed from them.  He knew way in advance that the mistake would be made, and He’d prepared a plan to account for it.  They didn’t need to fix it.  In fact, they couldn’t fix it.  The mistake was essentially irreparable, but He knew that.  And He let them know.

What the Lord needed from them was to learn the lesson the situation presented, undertake to try harder in the future, and move forward with their work.  He forgave them and prepared a way for them to continue, and He reminded them of the need to forgive themselves, too.  In my life, I’ve found that to be one of the toughest lessons to learn.

Generally, I think I’m a pretty forgiving person.  When it comes to being truly wronged, I’m grateful to feel that I’m usually able to let the hurts go and forgive, even in some of the most challenging experiences.  But, it’s not always as easy with myself.  I give myself a hard time.  I feel like I “should have” done better, or more, or less, or just differently.  I’m most definitely my own worst critic.  And sometimes I get so caught up in wanting to fix things, for all the most noble or right reasons, that I lose sight of what matters and my ability to move forward.

I’m certainly not saying we should go around hurting people and not looking back.  It feels silly to even have to clarify that.  But in some situations, especially when it’s pain we feel we’ve caused, it can be easy to get stuck in wanting to go back and fix things.  I think about the story I mentioned here of the two men wanting to go back and fix their mistake.  Had they dwelt in the regret and the “should haves” they may never have been able to move forward and accomplish all they did.  Had they stayed stuck in the pain of what had happened or in feeling like they’d disappointed the Lord, they may have missed out on the soul-saving work they still had yet to do.  They would have missed out on so much, for themselves and those they served and saved. 

And so will I.

If I get caught up in the “should haves” or in wanting to right every parenting wrong with Isaac and Zoey that I felt I made with Benny, I’ll get stuck and it will never be enough.  If I worry and question everything I did or didn’t do and get hung up in my failings, I’ll paralyze myself from being able to be the best mama I can in the future.  My whole goal through this entire experience has been to learn from it as much as possible, strengthen my faith and trust in the Lord and His plan, and somehow move forward to become whoever it is He needs me to be.  I’ve known from the beginning the “can’t wait-er” and “should have-r” were right there waiting for me to get caught up in their ruses and spiral into the grief.  Because it would be easier.  Fighting against the pain and grief, the regret and despair is hard.  Like, really hard.  Giving in to the grief would be so much easier.  Not happier.  Not better.  But definitely much easier.  And sometimes my human side likes easier.  Goodness, it especially likes easier when it’s worn down and weary. 

But I’m not here for easy.  I’m not trying to move forward because it’s easy.  I’m not trying to pick up the pieces of my heart that I felt were broken when we lost our angel boy because it’s easy.  I’m doing it because I know with everything in me that the hard work is worth it.  And that the hard work will get me where I want and need to be, which is back in the presence of the Lord and my sweet, sweet Benny.  I know it’s what he wants.  I know it’s what they both want.  By letting go of the should-haves and the can’t-waits, I allow myself to just be here and focus on being the best me I know how to be.  Present as a mama of two rambunctious and adorable toddlers.  Present as the wife of the most amazing and caring husband.  Present as someone who thinks about her angel son every day and is grateful to have moments when the veil feels thin.  Present as someone who wants to play a role in God’s work and help as many people as she can to feel His light and love.  Present as someone who’s doing her best to try each day to be a little better.  Present as someone who is far from perfect, but who knows the Perfect One in whom she trusts. Present as a daughter of God, whose love and peace and joy are felt every day.  Present as His.  Present as my Benny’s. Present as just – me.