January 27, 2021 – A sunrise and a reminder

This morning after I got home from working out, Isaac and Zoey were already awake and playing with Tom downstairs.  I went downstairs and we all played together for a bit – I really love our mornings together and the time we have before the day starts.  When we came upstairs about 7:30 to get breakfast, I noticed there was a beautiful sunrise starting.  I really do love sunrises and sunsets!  The babies were contentedly sitting in their high chairs having some cereal, and I went up to “Benny’s room” to see the sky, because the best view in the house is from our upstairs bedroom. 

As I was standing at the window and admiring the beauty painted in the sky, I felt my angel boy so close.  I’ve been missing him a lot these last few days and trying to find moments where I can feel him with me.  This was just such a moment, and it brought my heart such comfort.  But, it was only temporary because my angel boy snapped me back into reality and helped me put some things in perspective.

I could hear Isaac and Zoey happily chatting away in the kitchen, and I felt my angel boy remind me that by focusing on missing him, I’m losing time with them.  I want to be able to take the little moments to feel him close, but I also don’t want to miss out on my angels who are still here.  And Benny understands that.  In fact, he was encouraging me in that today.  I have plenty of moments during the day when I’m not missing time with Isaac and Zoey, so when they’re awake and around, I need to be present. 

I’ve actually been thinking about this a lot lately.  Not just since Benny’s been gone, but even before.  I want to be the best mama I can, and to me, a big part of that is being present with my babies and not being distracted when they’re around.  I only have so many days, years, and moments with them as they grow up, and I want to make the most of it.  I’ve learned the hard way recently that we never know what the future holds, so our best bet is to take advantage of the moments we have and not take our days for granted. 

So, as much as I enjoyed having a moment with my angel boy as we watched the sun come up, I was grateful he reminded me that I had two other angel babies downstairs who would be leaving for school just a few minutes later and who I could get a few cuddles and playtime with before they left.  And that’s just what I did.  It was a wonderful morning.

Another thing I’ve been thinking about lately is that I never want Isaac or Zoey to feel any less important in our family than Benny.  I worry that in my efforts to keep Benny’s memory alive, it will make them feel as if he’s somehow more important than they are.  Right now we have pictures of Benny all over the house, because we want to remember him and feel like he’s here.  But we don’t have pictures of just Isaac and Zoey all over the house (mostly because they’re always here and reminding us we can’t forget them!). I just never want my two sweet babies to feel they’re loved any less by Tom or I, so I want to do everything I can to help them feel loved and cherished in every way, while also reminding them of their angel brother who we get to be with eternally someday.  As with most aspects of parenting, I think it will be a delicate balancing act, so hopefully I’m up for the challenge.  Thankfully though, as he reminded me this morning, I’ve got my angel boy with me to help me along.

Oh how I love my Benny.  The “advice” he gave me this morning is so perfectly him – honoring the feelings in my mama heart and comforting me as I feel him close, but at the same time reminding me what’s most important and helping me be better in every way.  I want to be the best mama I can, to Benny and especially to Isaac and Zoey.  I want to be present and loving and patient.  I want to be faithful and loving and kind.  Because my angel babies deserve the best.  All three of them.