Last night was hard. Goodness, some nights are like that I’ve found. We’ve actually been doing pretty well, but every now and again it all just seems to come back.
Last night as Tom and I were kneeling by our bed for prayer, I looked at my watch to see what time it was and saw this picture on the face:
This was the last picture I ever took of my angel boy, the day before he passed away. At the time, he was sitting with me listening to our ward’s worship service while daddy was at the ward building and big brother and sister were taking naps. It was our special time, just the two of us. We enjoyed it every Sunday and I loved having my angel boy with me as I watched our church services. He was the perfect reminder of everything good and the blessings I know come from loving Heavenly Parents. Our Sunday afternoons were just so special.
When I saw this picture last night, I wondered – did my angel boy know this was his last day on earth? Did he know what was to come the next morning? Did he know his time on earth would be cut painfully short for our family?
I don’t know.
I asked Tom and he said he didn’t know either, but he doesn’t think so. I’m not sure either gives me comfort, whether Benny knew or not. I believe his mind, still fresh from heaven at only five months, likely had insights and knowledge that we don’t. But whether or not he knew that Sunday was his last earthly day, I don’t know. And I guess ultimately it doesn’t matter. But thinking about that last day and now knowing what was to come hurt.
I shed some tears last night as I lay in bed thinking about Benny. How much I miss him. How much I wish I could just hold him one last time and cuddle my cute little boy. I even had the morbid thought that I could go to the cemetery and tear away the frozen ground to hold him again. Just to see and feel his perfect, tiny body again. I’m sure that sounds crazy, and I 100% realize it is. But in those moments of missing your child as a grieving parent, sometimes the thoughts don’t make sense and the crazy brings comfort. It makes me sad that I even had that thought though, because I know my little boy isn’t there. It’s the reality of my mortal perspective and pain. His perfectly angelic soul lives on and I’m grateful for the moments we’ve had together since he passed away. I really just long for one more day with him here. One more hug. One more kiss. One more snuggle. But then I realized one more hug, one more day would just leave me wishing for more, so perhaps the way the Lord has worked this plan is best. Amazing how He always knows what’s best for His children, even when we don’t.
Thinking about this last night made me think back to a very specific memory I have of my angel boy. I even recorded it in my journal. There was one day, about a month before he passed away, where he was laying on the floor next to me while I worked and he just started crying. Like, really crying. I picked him up and cuddled him and all of a sudden he was perfectly fine. I must say, those moments as a parent when you realize your child is crying just because and nothing is really wrong can be a little maddening! But, for some reason in this moment, I felt something different. As I said to my boy, “Benny, really? Nothing was wrong and you just needed to be picked up?” it was as if he said back to me, “Mama, someday you’re going to miss this. I was crying so you’d pick me up because one day you’ll miss being able to pick me up and cuddle.” In the moment, I thought it was because he would grow up and wouldn’t be able to just sit on my lap anymore. I’m already starting to see that with Isaac and Zoey and how fast they’re growing. But looking back now, I realize my angel boy knew I’d miss cuddling him much sooner than that. And he was right. I long for those days now. I wish I’d cuddled and picked him up every minute of every day. But I can’t live in regrets. They keep me from moving forward. So I won’t. But I will do my best to make the most of my time with Isaac and Zoey. And you better believe I cuddle them every chance I get.
At the funeral I recently went to for my neighbor who passed away, our bishop and friend shared a scripture that has been on my heart and mind and has brought me comfort as I’ve thought about it more. It’s amazing how the scriptures can do that. Surely I’ve read this particular scripture a hundred times before throughout my life, but when I heard it quoted at the funeral, it took on new meaning and really touched my heart. And, it came to mind tonight and brought me the same peace and comfort I’ve felt as I’ve thought about it the last week.
The scripture he quoted was from the book of Alma (40:11-12) in the Book of Mormon:
“Now, concerning the state of the soul between death and the resurrection—Behold, it has been made known unto me by an angel, that the spirits of all men, as soon as they are departed from this mortal body, yea, the spirits of all men, whether they be good or evil, are taken home to that God who gave them life.
And then shall it come to pass, that the spirits of those who are righteous are received into a state of happiness, which is called paradise, a state of rest, a state of peace, where they shall rest from all their troubles and from all care, and sorrow.“
As I lay in bed crying last night and missing my boy, wishing I had him for one more day, I felt the strongest impression that he was mine forever. Not just for this earthly life, but always. I will see him again. Our bond is eternal. I may miss him and feel deep earthly heartache now, but it’s temporary. Our day of reunion is coming and it will be more joyful than I can even comprehend. What peace and comfort these thoughts brought to my aching mama heart last night. I also felt my Benny remind me of the scriptures above and that indeed he is enjoying a state of happiness right now. Paradise where he is resting from his troubles and all care and sorrow. It sounds glorious and I’m glad to know he’s there.
So, whether or not I know that Benny was aware his time on earth would be cut short, it doesn’t matter. Because I know what does matter – my angel boy has returned home “to that God who gave (him) life” and his precious little spirit hasn’t just arrived, but been “received” into a “state of happiness.” Thinking about him being received by a Parent who may even love him more than me brings such comfort to my heart and mind. And everything in me (and Tom) has felt, since Benny left, that he is happy beyond measure. So it all makes sense. These scriptures feel so real to us now. And the doctrine behind them gives us hope. We believe it, and someday we’ll know it when we’re reunited with our angel boy. And to me, that truly will be the ultimate paradise.
Man, I wish more than anything that you could hold that sweet little boy close to you again. . I’m sure that physical separation feels so painful. My prayer is that he feels so close spiritually, that somehow that ache will subside. Sure love you, friend ❤️
There are so many times when I think about Benny and I just want him back. It is during those times that I remind myself that he is happy, he completed his mortal journey, he has gained exhalation, and he has returned home to his Heavenly Father and his perfect brother and is anxiously awaiting our reunions with him. While I wish he were still here to love and cuddle while I complete my journey, I know Benny was just too good for this world but will always be close by as my angel, and that is such a comforting thought!