This week has been kind of a hard one. Filled with good moments as well, but for some reason it’s had its share of tough moments. Thankfully though, through each I’ve been able to feel my sweet boy close as he’s reminded me that I don’t have to face the struggles alone and that I can somehow still feel joy and peace.
Thursday afternoon as I was driving to pick up Isaac and Zoey, I spoke with our pediatrician’s office about Benny passing away. Goodness, that was rough. Having to actually say the words out loud that he’s gone was way more difficult than I expected it to be and my heart seemed to break all over again when I did. But then, as with so many things these days, my angel boy was right there to pick up the pieces of my broken mama heart and remind me that I’m loved.
As I was sitting and crying in the car, all of a sudden I looked up and saw a perfect and beautiful little rainbow peeking through the clouds. It’s like heaven was shining down on me in the most wonderful, colorful way. I’m pretty sure it didn’t even rain that day, and yet there was a rainbow. I’ve often heard the phrase, “After the storm comes the rainbow.” I know this is meant to bring comfort, and it certainly has in my life. It surely did on Thursday. But not because it came after a physical storm, but rather the personal one I was battling in my heart. And to me, it was one of the most beautiful and perfect reminders that my Heavenly Parents are aware of me and my struggles, and even more so that my sweet angel boy is nearby.
It made me think though – do we only look for rainbows after storms? Or do we look up to see if they are there even on days when it doesn’t rain? If I hadn’t looked up, I wouldn’t have seen it. I could’ve safely assumed that because it hadn’t rained, there was no chance I would see a rainbow. Rainbows weren’t even on my radar that afternoon because it hadn’t rained. But it was there, and I saw it because I was able to look up. I don’t pretend to understand the science behind it all – goodness, that was never my strong subject in school! But, I do know what I saw and Thursday afternoon, on a day when it hadn’t rained (at least not where we live and where I was), there was a rainbow. I almost had to squint a bit to see if my eyes were playing tricks on me since I knew it hadn’t rained that day. But it was there (I even took a picture to capture the moment), and it was as if my sweet Benny whispered, “Mama, I’m so glad you looked up and saw it!” Me too, angel boy. Me too.
Maybe it was already being in a “Benny place” on Thursday, but we decided that night to watch a movie called “Clouds” on Disney Plus. It’s a story about a family who loses their teenage son Zach to cancer, but before he passes away, he writes some pretty amazing music and inspires his community with his strength. It’s a touching film that left both Tom and I in tears. The final scene is what especially got to me, when the mother of the young man goes into his room after he’s passed away and is sitting on his bed reading through something he’d written. As I watched this actress portray the emotions of a mother who’d just lost her son, it brought back all my feelings of being a mother who’s lost her son. But, just as the son in the movie/story inspired his family and community, I’m grateful for how our son has inspired us and given us the motivation to do better and be better.
Tom and I have been singing the title song “Clouds” for the past few days now. It’s really catchy and has a good message. The first verse and chorus particularly reminded me of my angel boy and how he’s been there to lift us when we needed him:
I fell down, down, down Into this dark and lonely hole There was no one there to care about me anymore And I needed a way to climb and grab a hold of the edge You were sitting there holding a rope And we'll go up, up, up But I'll fly a little higher Go up in the clouds because the view is a little nicer Up here my dear It won't be long now, it won't be long now
As I’ve listened to the song more and actually read the lyrics, naturally I relate it to my angel boy who left this earth much too soon, just like Zach. But, I’m really grateful that sometimes music transcends beyond the words and even more so inspires a feeling in your heart. This song has certainly done that for me, and I kind of love imagining flying with my angel Benny through the clouds.
Saturday was another day with a few tough moments. We spent the day going through some of our closets and doing a pretty thorough cleaning. The new year certainly has inspired such projects, and we’re grateful to actually be getting to the point where we feel we have the energy to get back to normal life and projects again. As part of our projects yesterday, we decided to re-do our laundry room. For the nearly four years we’ve lived here, it’s been just that – a room to do laundry and store cleaning and house supplies. Not bad, but certainly not great. But today we decided to make it more functional and move some things around. This included us wanting to put some baskets and shelves in there for storage, and instead of purchasing something new, we remembered that we had a cube shelf in our room that has been storing Benny’s things. I’ve pretty much just put everything Benny-related there until we have the strength to figure out what to do with it, but today we needed the shelf. So I mustered my strength and put everything from the shelves into a box. One little box that contains so much of what our little angel’s physical life has come down to. It hurt, but then I felt my angel boy remind me that he was close and that these were just things. As much as they mean, because they remind me of him, they’re just temporal things that can’t compare to the love we have for him. Goodness, I was grateful for that.
I also decided to clean out the babies’ closet this week. What was I thinking? 😉 With how quickly Isaac and Zoey are growing, it means we’ve gotten into a steady routine of going through their clothes every few months in order to box up what doesn’t fit and rotate in what does. It hurt my heart a little during today’s rotation to realize I didn’t need to necessarily save any of Isaac’s clothes, because Benny won’t need them anymore. I saved everything from both babies up until we were sure Benny was a boy, and now I’ve just been putting aside the boy stuff since we’ll need it again. But now we don’t need it again. It was kind of a harsh reality of Benny being gone. Thankfully there are some great charities and organizations I work with who will gladly accept donations, but I really just wish we still needed them for Benny.
As part of cleaning their closets, I also realized we needed more shelves for Zoey’s clothes. (The struggle of over-buying ridiculously cute little girl clothes is real and seems to only be getting worse as Miss Z gets older.) I then remembered that we had a hanging shelf unit in my closet that we’ve been using for Benny’s clothes. Even though we used our upstairs bedroom for Benny, we kept his clothes in our room for ease since that’s usually where we’d change and bathe him. So, more boxing. Packing up all his clothes, socks, towels, hats, mittens, and putting them into a tote until I have the time (and emotional energy) to go through them and figure out what I’d like to keep versus what can be donated. Goodness, it made me realize that on some level, I think I’ve left them because maybe by doing so, he’ll come back. Maybe if I don’t take down that little reminder that I see daily, somehow we’ll need it again. But, as with the older boy clothes from Isaac’s closet, we won’t need them again. Definitely some tears, but also some pride in myself for being willing to take this hard step that I’ve deliberately put off for two months.
So that’s where I am. Some tough moments this week, but also some proud moments. Proud of myself. Proud of my angel boy. He’s always right there and I know I can count on that. He’s helped me process things this week and reminded me that I’m loved. He’s reminded me that I’m known and that I’m not alone. And that means more to me than anything.
And maybe someday I'll see you again We'll float up in the clouds and we'll never see the end...
Benny watches over his mama! I know he sent you that rainbow!