January 19, 2021 – “He Leaveth the Ninety and Nine”

Recently I found this watercolor print and absolutely fell in love with it.  It’s amazing how certain artwork just speaks to your heart.  As someone with zero artistic ability, I’m always so inspired by the vision of artists and how they can so beautifully and eloquently capture such powerful feelings in their work.  This is titled “He Leaveth the Ninety and Nine” and at first I loved it because it so gently shows the Savior’s love for His lost sheep and the tenderness He shows as He carries them home.  But as I’ve considered this more and taken a new approach to this biblical parable based on the situation we’ve faced with losing our angel boy, I’ve fallen in love with it for another reason.

Throughout my life, whenever I’ve heard this scriptural story (found in the fifteenth chapter of Luke in the New Testament), I’ve thought about it in terms of the seventh verse of the chapter – the “lost sheep” is someone who has strayed from the covenant path and who needs saving from their sins.  It’s a powerful analogy and gives hope to those—all of us—who are in need of this kind of saving.  It’s reassuring to know that no matter how lost we are, no matter what sin or transgression we’ve committed, the Savior is always there and will earnestly and actively seek to bring us home. 

But that’s not the end of the parable.

The Savior doesn’t leave it there.  He goes on in verses eight and nine and changes the analogy from a shepherd who has lost a sheep to one of a woman who has lost a piece of silver.  Again in verse ten He reiterates the point that joy is found in the sinner who repents, but I think verses eight and nine can mean something more.  And that’s what is reflected in this watercolor painting to me.

“Either what woman having ten pieces of silver, if she lose one piece, doth not light a candle, and sweep the house, and seek diligently till she find it? 

And when she hath found it, she calleth her friend and her neighbours together, saying, Rejoice with me; for I have found the piece which I had lost.” 

As I’ve read this more and considered my own life, particularly the last couple months, I’ve recognized that unlike the sheep, which likely wandered off of its own accord, the silver didn’t lose itself.  Somehow the silver ended up in a place the woman didn’t know, due to forces beyond its control, and it couldn’t get back on its own.   Thankfully it was eventually found, but in the meantime, all it could do was stay where it was until someone came with a candle and a broom looking for it.

In this situation with Benny, I’ve felt lost.  Some days more than others, but lost is certainly something I’ve felt.   But not lost like the sheep.  Lost like the silver.  Not lost from my own misgivings, but lost from the misfortune of losing my son.  Not lost from wandering, but lost because of external circumstances that I couldn’t control.  Simply lost and longing that someone will come along and find me and rejoice with me when that happens. 

Thankfully over the past two months, whenever I’ve felt lost, I haven’t been lost for long.  Each time I can look back and very literally see the miracle the Lord sent to let me know I’d been found.  In nearly every instance, it’s come through a kind friend or at times even a stranger – someone who has been the Lord’s hands in my life and in the lives of our family to remind us we are known, heard, and loved and that we don’t have to be lost forever.

Sometimes we’re lost like the sheep because of our own actions, but other times we’re lost like the silver because of something beyond our control.  Sometimes we’re lost because the journey just feels too overwhelming.  Sometimes we’re lost because the journey IS too overwhelming.  Sometimes we’re lost because we wander off.  Sometimes we’re lost because our heart is broken and we can’t see past the grief.  Sometimes we find ourselves lost and all we can do is sit down on the path and just try to keep breathing until someone comes for us.  Sometimes we may feel lost for no reason at all.  But thankfully no matter why we feel lost, or how lost we feel, our Savior reminds us that we don’t have to be lost forever.

When I look at this painting, I see the tenderness of the Shepherd holding His lost sheep.  It reminds me of the love He has for each of us individually.  He is aware of our circumstances.  He knows of our trials.  And He is there, always and unfailingly, to pick us up when we find ourselves lost – either like the sheep from our own decisions or lost because sometimes life is just hard.  I love that when the Savior teaches this parable, He shares both examples.  While I certainly have been the lost sheep at different points in my life, lately it’s certainly been more like the silver.  But like the silver, I’m grateful to have been “found” and felt the rejoicing of friends along the way.  Because one of the best parts of being found is to share that joy with those you love.

Being lost is tough on the soul.  I’d suppose that feeling lost is one of the first steps along the path of despair and hopelessness.  And when you lose a child, boy does that path come calling.  But there is a way out.  Life isn’t meant to be hopeless.  And being lost doesn’t have to be permanent, even though at times it may feel that way.  There is always a way to be found.  We may not see it at first, but if we’re willing to look, it is always there.  Through Him.  And through those He sends to find and support us along our way.  I’m grateful for those who have been there for my family and me whenever we’ve felt lost since Benny’s passing.  I’m grateful that through this experience, we’ve been found in more ways than one.  I’m grateful to have experiences in my life where I can feel the strength of this parable by being the one and also at times being the ninety and nine.  And mostly I’m grateful to know I have a Shepherd who gave His life out of love so that neither I nor my angel boy will ever truly be lost.