January 16, 2021 – Returning the favor

Today was the funeral of the wonderful woman in our ward who passed away a couple weeks ago.  K had been sick for many years and so I never got the chance to meet her in-person beyond text messages, but I feel like we have a special connection with her family and especially that there’s a special connection between her and Benny.  She was so wonderful to help, from her bedside, with Benny’s memorial service, and I saw today as my unique opportunity to quite literally return the favor. 

The funeral was broadcast online because of the pandemic, but we were invited to be in-person so I went over while Tom stayed home with the kids.  I wanted to be there to support the family and help with the luncheon that had been arranged after.  I wasn’t sure what was needed, but whatever it was, I wanted to be there.

Last night I made white chocolate lemon cake bites for the luncheon.  K’s favorite desserts were anything lemon.  I wanted to put extra care into making them and ensure they were just perfect, because I wanted them to be a tribute to her and a show of my gratitude for all she’d done.  Unfortunately cake bites never turn out perfectly, and I started feeling bad that they wouldn’t be.  I then had the thought to drizzle yellow chocolate over the top and put the blue sprinkles over that.  Somehow it came together and I love how they turned out.  The blue sprinkles had actually been used at Benny’s blessing for the treats we’d made for that, and it felt so special to be able to use them for this, knowing the special connection between Benny and K.  I knew the thought to use them came from my angel boy.  He was right there with me reminding me that the bites were perfectly imperfect in all the most wonderful ways.

At the memorial service itself, I was pretty emotional when it began.  Maybe it’s because it’s the first funeral I’ve been to since Benny’s.  Maybe it’s because so much of it felt similar, with the same bishop leading the service in the same church building and the same opening song being sung.  Or maybe it’s because the emotions of losing Benny are still somewhat raw and hard to manage at times.  But I found myself bawling as the service began and feeling the loss of Benny all over again.  It was tough.

Thankfully I was able to pull it together after a few minutes and listen to the beautiful messages and memories shared.  I actually sat out in the hall because I didn’t want to draw any attention to myself, not knowing how emotional I’d be.  But then the service ended and they took the casket out – out the same door and in the same way they took Benny’s casket out.  And I lost it again.  I couldn’t stop the tears and they came about as intensely as they ever have.  So many emotions, feelings of grief, and sorrow.  I was grateful to be able to get them out though and even received some comforting hugs from neighbors and friends who were also at the service. 

And then I got to work. 

My great-grandmother (Grana, we called her) was a woman acquainted with grief.  She too lost a child (two, actually) to tragic accidents.  She was a cancer survivor.  She endured many trials in her life.  But throughout, she was positive and strong and such an incredible example.  I remember her teaching me that the best way to work through your own problems is to help someone else with theirs.  Service was a hallmark of her life, and I’m grateful she instilled some of that in me.

So, I sat with my grief for a minute and cried until the tears dried out, but because of Grana I knew that the best way I could work through things at that moment would be to turn around and serve K and her family.  I’d shown up to help, and I wanted to help.  She’d been there for me, and I wanted to be there for her.  So I started lighting candles (well, turning on the battery-powered candles that adorned the luncheon tables), and filling cups with water, and setting out desserts, and cleaning up some of the empty boxes in the room, and plating food, and setting up pictures, and anything else I could find that needed to be done.  I did anything and everything I could during that luncheon, serving alongside some incredible women and friends from my neighborhood, so it could be a relaxing and memorable experience for K’s family.  In total I think I was at the church for almost six hours, from set-up to clean-up and everything in between.  But it worked.  The grief and sadness I’d felt remembering our angel’s funeral not long ago was overtaken by the joy of serving and being there for someone else.  Life sure is funny that way, but my dear sweet Grana was right – the quickest way I worked through my sorrow was being there for K’s family in theirs. 

And the best part of the day?  Feeling my sweet Benny right there with me, serving and joyful and lighting each step of the way.