One thing I’ve realized through this experience is that my heart is capable of feeling way more emotion than I’d ever before thought – in good ways and in bad. I’ve felt what seem like the highest of highs and the lowest of lows through all this. I’ve also come to recognize how my heart feels a bit delicate right now and any addition of emotion can put me over the edge. Not always in a bad way, but I feel that I’m experiencing emotion on such intense levels right now in nearly every way.
This weekend we learned of a family member who has been dealing with some domestic violence issues and will likely now be getting divorced as a result. This family member has children who we understand may also be victims of the domestic violence, and their future as a family is a bit uncertain. We’ve also recently learned of another family who lost their sweet angel son to a tragic accident just a couple weeks after we lost Benny, another friend who is struggling in their marriage with an abusive spouse, and a cousin of mine who will be undergoing open-heart surgery this week. Goodness, life is just hard sometimes and trials can feel unbearable, even when they’re not our own.
Every month, usually on the first Sunday of the month, Tom and I participate in a fast with our church. We fast for 24 hours and use it as an opportunity to pray and seek special blessings for ourselves and others. In November, we fasted out of gratitude for all the blessings the Lord has already given us – not seeking anything, just expressing our gratitude to the Lord for His goodness. We recognize the Lord blesses us far more than we deserve (at least far more than I deserve – Tom certainly deserves it all) and we were grateful to use our monthly fast in November as an opportunity to express that gratitude. In December, our fast also only focused on one, but very different, thing – somehow finding the strength to make it through the loss of our angel boy. We felt the Lord sustaining us and the fast certainly added to the strength we’ve felt that has been getting us through.
This month, our fast for January was on behalf of the four families mentioned above. As we knelt to pray and open our fast last night, I was overcome with sadness and even a level of despair as I thought about the battles these families we know and love are facing. I found myself sobbing over the difficulties and their struggles. Normally I would sympathize with these families and try to find ways to help, but right now my emotional response is so much more than that and I feel like everything is impacting me so much more. I work with people every day who are facing trauma and difficult situations, and I’m able to keep it together and hopefully help. But not last night. Not right now. My heart just feels too fragile.
Enter my angel son Benny.
As I was kneeling at my bedside and crying last night, I felt my angel boy come to me and reassure me that things would be okay. Maybe not immediately or in the temporal sense, but in the eternal sense. He also reminded my troubled heart that our Savior is aware of each and every person’s struggle and will be there to support them – and not just support them, but love them through it even more so as they face their trials. My heart was comforted as I felt my angel Benny tell me that even though I can’t understand it now, the “law of compensation” is real and our Savior will make up for every tear, every pain, every struggle of our mortal experience. And finally, I felt my sweet boy share with me that with the perspective he has now, he can see why I’d be sad but how all that sadness is swallowed up in our Savior and His atoning sacrifice and joy is possible. So much joy. More joy than we can comprehend.
My heart felt so lifted through feeling my angel son close. Usually I feel the need to consciously “ask” for Benny to be there, but tonight when my heart was heavy, he just was. He was there for me when I needed him. I felt his joy and light. He is such a sweet, tender boy.
It was such a neat experience to have him there and help me through what had become a tough moment. Though I’m still very conscious of the struggles of our friends and family, I’m grateful to feel my heart lifted by Benny in a way that allows me to get up and figure out a way to help. Maybe right now all I can do to help is to fast and to pray. But at least I can do that, and so I’m going to. I’m grateful for the reminders from my angel son that somehow the Lord will make up the rest, and I definitely trust Him to do so. He’s been there for me, even during this most difficult trial, and I know He’ll be there for our friends and family, too.
Today I took a moment to thank Benny for being there for me last night, even when I hadn’t asked. My heart has felt so much lighter today since I was able to spend some time with him last night. I’m really grateful for that as I’ve been able to focus on my fast and how I can help those in my life, instead of feeling weighed down by the struggles. As I thanked him, Benny’s sweet spirit then touched mine and reassured me that he’ll always be there for me, because I was always there for him. I realize I wasn’t a perfect mom—not even close—but I’m sure grateful to my angel boy for making me feel like one. I tried my hardest to be the best mama I could to him during his short five months, and I’m going to continue to try and live up to the honor of being Benny Bowcut’s mom. I’m convinced he really is one of the most special spirits this world has ever known, and he continues to bless my life in more ways than I can express.
We’re there for each other, him and me. And I’m pretty sure that makes me the luckiest mom in the world.
So sweet! I love that Benny is close by!