Not too many days after Benny passed away I finally got the courage to sit down and write about some of the specific details and the experiences that I had up until that point. I felt that I needed to do this in the form of a letter. I have since felt that the lesson learned should also be captured here, so I’m repurposing that original letter for this post.
December 5, 2020
On the morning of Monday, November 16th, my wife and I started the new week with motivation and enthusiasm. In an effort to ensure we started the day off right, we set our alarms with sufficient time before our small children woke up in order to get our morning gospel and scripture study done. We have three beautiful children all under the age of three: Isaac who is two and a half years old, Zoey who is one and a half, and our sweet little Benny, just five months old. Needless to say, once they wake-up they demand nearly all of our attention, leaving us pretty exhausted by the time evening comes around. As such, our experience has helped us learn the value of getting quality scripture study done early during the silence and tranquility of the morning.
This particular morning I happened to be reading again a General Conference talk from April 2018 entitled Revelation for the Church, Revelation for Our Lives. This talk shared some key principles and teachings that would later prove to be so powerful and helpful to us.
“Without our Redeemer’s infinite Atonement, not one of us would have hope of ever returning to our Heavenly Father. Without His Resurrection, death would be the end. Our Savior’s Atonement made eternal life a possibility and immortality a reality for all.”
President Russell M. Nelson
I too affirm that each of the blessings in my life have “come as a result of seeking and heeding the promptings of the Holy Ghost.” I have seen the hand of the Lord in my life and I have felt His guidance and assurance to me in so many aspects of my life through the promptings of the Spirit. My heart was comforted that morning as I read the words of this talk that said, “…how willing the Lord is to reveal His mind and will. The privilege of receiving revelation is one of the greatest gifts of God to His children.”
At the conclusion of our morning study, we heard the first stirrings of our sweet baby Benny in his room just a few feet from where we were doing our morning study. We knew that meant he would soon be ready for his first morning feeding. But, knowing of his sweet, patient nature, we decided to first get our other two children up and ready for the day as, due to their ages, they are much less patient!
After getting Isaac and Zoey dressed and ready, I went up to Benny’s room to get him ready to go as well. Walking up the stairs to his room, I looked forward to walking in and seeing him. It was one of the highlights of my day because he always greeted us with the biggest grin that just melts your heart, followed by the cutest stretches that couldn’t help but make you smile.
As soon as I walked in his room, I found to my horror the scene that all parents fear the most. Fighting off the fear of what could be, and remembering that we had heard him stirring not too much earlier, I ran to him in hopes of finding his sweet, smiling face. Unfortunately I immediately realized he was lifeless. While hoping beyond hope that he could still be revived, I rushed him downstairs to call 911 and I tried to revive him through CPR. Shortly after the paramedics arrived, our biggest fear was confirmed when they let us know there was nothing that could be done to save him. Our angel Benny was gone.
The feelings, emotions, hurt, and pain that followed can only be understood by those who have experienced such a tragic loss. It was hard for us to believe what was happening. This couldn’t be. It felt like it must be a nightmare that we were living, but we knew it wasn’t. How could this happen when we were so close to him? Especially difficult to understand was why we didn’t receive the revelation or prompting to go check on him when we first heard him. The irony was poignant and almost cruel as I thought of how I was just reading about receiving revelation and how “the Lord will assist us in all our righteous pursuits.” I knew my wife and I were in a place and position to be able to receive that prompting as we quietly studied together, literally feet from the precious soul we could have been saving. I couldn’t help but ponder what more righteous pursuit or prompting-worthy event there could have been as we sat there in our home with our sleeping boy in the next room.
The days that followed that week were especially difficult, painful, and filled with sorrow as we struggled with all that had happened and the loss we were feeling. Yet, at the same time we felt many sweet and comforting experiences, thoughts, and impressions that significantly shaped our perspective, gave us hope, comforted us, and helped us reframe what had happened.
One of the most helpful tender mercies we experienced was a unique opportunity to visit the temple. The night Benny passed away, my wife and I both received wonderful, comforting priesthood blessings from our bishop, who has ministered to us through all of this. In the blessing he mentioned how we would feel especially close to Benny as we attended the temple. Knowing that temples are currently only accessible for living ordinances due to limitations associated with the pandemic, I felt prompted to reach out to our stake president to see if there was any way for us to have the chance to sit in the celestial room of the temple. Recognizing we aren’t the only broken-hearted members needing the added comfort available in the temple, we realized it was a long-shot and didn’t think it was likely to happen. Plus, the Mount Timpanogos temple was also closed for two weeks of maintenance, so the likelihood went down even further. How sweet was our surprise when our stake president let us know that the temple president and matron were willing to accompany us in the temple for the needed time and reflection. Oh what a blessing that was! It changed our hearts in ways we can’t express but for which we will forever be grateful.
On our way to the temple just two days after we lost our sweet boy, we listened to an April 1992 talk from Elder Nelson, entitled Doors of Death. We were comforted by the reminder that “mourning is one of the deepest expressions of pure love” and that we can embrace the sorrow because “the only way to take sorrow out of death is to take love out of life.” How sweet the perspective shared that “our loved ones may be just as close as the next room—separated only by the doors of death.” We were so grateful for these teachings and insights. We know them to be true.
So many tender, sacred feelings were given to us that day in the temple. Our outlook on all that had transpired was significantly changed. We went into the temple heavy-hearted and came out uplifted, encouraged, energized, and filled with gratitude. My wife said she felt like we walked into the temple with a jigsaw puzzle all mixed up, without any perspective of what the picture was even supposed to be, but as we left, the Lord had at least shown us the bigger picture and helped us put together the corners and edges. We’re still not sure how all the pieces will fit together, but after being in the temple, we know the Lord will help us as we move forward. Any darkness associated with the events of losing our sweet boy was taken away as we sat in the temple, and we were able to see things from a new perspective. Tied to the hope and comfort we received was also meaning and motivation for not only us, but also for others who are in need of a catalyst for change that potentially only something as tragic as this could facilitate.
Sunday, the day prior to our tragic loss, my wife Tiffany spent some time away from her sweet Benny to get her temple recommend renewed and signed by the stake presidency. While the initial thought after losing Benny was that she would have loved to have the extra time with him back again, what a sweet blessing to have the temple recommend renewed so Benny could cross the veil knowing that his parents were “recommended to the Lord.” Also sweet was the fact that our recommends were properly renewed so we were able and prepared to unexpectedly attend the temple that week and worthily receive so much light and direction during what has felt like the darkest time of our lives.
We held our angel Benny’s funeral on Friday, November 20th. We found it no simple coincidence that this was the same day President Nelson shared a special message with the world. Our sweet Isaac’s favorite song right now is Follow the Prophet (we sing it with him or he sings it to us multiple times a day!). In an effort to follow the prophet, we had been looking forward to hearing this message that day, even more so after what had occurred on Monday. How timely we felt this message on “the healing power of gratitude” was, just hours before the difficult moments we’d face as we held our son’s funeral and laid his little body to rest. The message and our feelings of gratitude indeed helped “soothe our feelings” and have continued to do so since. Additionally, President Nelson mentioned in his message the parental pain associated with losing a child (or in his case, two) felt like such a tender mercy for us. We admire and love President Nelson, so to feel that we could relate to him in this way and that someone we so highly regard understood our pain was very special. We also felt it a tender mercy and reminder that through our dear prophet, the Lord was reminding us He is aware of us and loves us as well during this especially trying time. In the remarks we shared during Benny’s memorial service later that afternoon, we attempted to express our feelings of gratitude and the “greater perspective on the very purpose and joy of life” and share our testimonies of the gospel of Jesus Christ, which we both recognize is the one thing getting us through this tragic loss.
Though a few weeks have now passed, our days are still full of many difficult moments. The loss still hurts, but we’re grateful for the knowledge that the pain and sorrow associated with Benny’s loss can be a sweet reminder of the love that we feel for him and the happiness he brought into our lives. We have learned much and continue to learn much through this experience. Many of these thoughts and impressions we have been trying to record so we can use what we’re learning through this experience to hopefully help others dealing with similar challenges or who may need a boost of faith as they face trials of their own.
Through all of this, we acknowledge daily that we have much to be grateful for, particularly the perspective, hope, and comfort the gospel and the Lord’s plan of salvation provides. As we take the quiet moments to reflect on this experience, we’ve recognized that the blessing of personal revelation has been and continues to be the biggest source of strength and direction for us together and individually as we navigate this difficult situation. We would have loved to receive a prompting in the moment to do something that could have saved little Benny’s life. During those final moments, we were sincerely and whole-heartedly praying for a miracle that we knew the Lord was capable of providing. But, we’ve accepted that was not His will. That was not his plan for our sweet Benny. And that’s okay. Because of our faith, and the revelation and insights we’ve received since, we trust Him and we trust His plan. We feel blessed to be able to access the healing power of our Savior’s atonement each step of the way. We feel so grateful to have the blessing of ongoing revelation to help us deal with, learn from, grow through, and bless the lives of others as a result of this experience. Our sweet Benny’s life was full of light and happiness, and we look forward to continuing to share his goodness as we share our Savior’s light with those around us.
Thank you for sharing these sacred experiences about your sweet Benny. They have strengthened my testimony.