Today felt like an especially hard day. I told Tom that I’m grateful we’re at least to the point that it feels like we’re not taking more steps backward than we are forward. It felt that way in the beginning. One step forward, about a thousand steps back. Now the steps backward still happen, but I feel like at least they’re not outnumbering the steps forward. They’re much easier to take this way.
Today was definitely a step backward though. But then also kind of a half-step forward toward the end. It was just a hard day.
This was the Sunday that our congregation (ward) was celebrating Christmas in our weekly worship service. It’s a Sunday I look forward to every year. For the past three (and now four), I’ve spent it surrounded by my little family, usually in matching clothes, as we sing hymns and read scriptures and celebrate the birth of our Savior with our neighbors and friends. It really is one of my favorite Sundays of the year.
But this Sunday was different. As I pulled out the matching Christmas church clothes I’d gotten for the babies months ago, I knew the tiny plaid pants and white collared onesie weren’t needed anymore. Instead of dressing my three young children for Christmas Sunday, I would only be dressing two. And my mama heart hurt. It hurt that this day which I’d been looking forward to now looked different. And not just different, but painstakingly, unexpectedly, tragically different. As I folded Benny’s Christmas clothes and put them back in the box where I’d been keeping them, the pain of his loss came flooding back. All the progress I’ve been making went away, and in that moment, all I could do was sob. Sometimes that’s the only way for me to express what my heart is feeling.
As I struggled to work through the overwhelming emotions of missing my sweet boy, I saw a little box on my dresser that was a gift from one of my best friends for Christmas – or for “a day when I needed it.” Today was a day I needed it. I opened the box and found a perfect little blue heart pendant alongside another heart pendant that said “Please Return to Tiffany” with my sweet angel’s initials on the back. Please return Benny to Tiffany. Please return my sweet boy to his mama. It was just what my broken heart needed.
And so the day went on. I picked myself up and carried on, because my other two babies needed me and I wanted this to still be a special day. And it was. Our worship service was beautiful – the music, the words, all of it. It was the perfect way to start Christmas week. My heart was lifted, despite the struggles I’d felt earlier. I’ve found the Lord is so good that way and somehow always sends me just what I need (or who I need).
We even got a picture together as a family. I love that the sweet ten-year-old who took it was astute enough (perhaps even inadvertently) to get the picture of our Savior in the background. There’s certainly some symbolism there, and having Him in the picture makes me feel like Benny was in there, too.
Also, this is one of the first pictures where I’ve felt like I could smile and it would be sincere. I haven’t felt that since we lost Benny and I’ve struggled to take pictures at all (which is very, very odd for me). It just hasn’t felt right to take a picture of me smiling when inside I felt like my world was falling apart. And it hasn’t felt right to get family pictures because we’re missing one of our family members. But today and over these last few days, it seems much of that has changed. I was sincerely happy to be celebrating and worshipping with my family today – with two babies climbing all over me and one baby watching over us and surely smiling at all the madness.
Even though our sweet Benny wasn’t with us physically for our Christmas Sunday, I certainly felt his angel spirit there with us. I’m grateful to feel him close, especially at moments like this. I was grateful as well to have felt him this evening as we participated in a luminary walk with our neighbors. Over 2,000 luminaries were set up all throughout our neighborhood, and it was a perfect December night to be out walking around and enjoying the light and goodness that filled the streets. Light reminds me of Benny and I feel that he’s drawn to it as well, so tonight was especially wonderful.
After we got home, I received an email from one of my dear cousins. She felt inspired in the days following Benny’s death to write our family a poem – a Christmas message from Benny. It was simply beautiful and inspired in more ways than she realized.
“Angel Benny’s” Christmas Message from Heaven By Rebecca N. Barraclough As I look from my heavenly realm above I think of you all my dear family with amazing love It’s me your “Angel Benny” My dear parents, I remember before we came to earth, when we chose each other That I would have the blessing of calling you Father and Mother As we looked at each other in the heavenly courts We were told that our time with each other would be short. But that didn’t deter our desire to be an eternal family So we said goodbye until that day with joy, for a future to be. With the veil over our minds we came to earth. You first, then me, you happily welcomed my birth What a glorious day that was, on the ninth of June 2020 Family smiles and cheers for Benjamin Jerry Bowcut, alias “Benny” My spirit had seen my future family as I grew in my Mother’s womb So when I entered the world of light I recognized them in the room I loved being near to my Mother’s heart, and hearing her sing, and talk to me. I would have loved to stay there so warm and secure and not to flee But I knew my time had come to enter the world so bright I knew that getting a body in 2020 was right So home from the hospital snuggled tight in a blanket blue I was with the family that would love me so true My big brother Isaac and sister Zoey held me carefully in their arms I was blessed to be their little brother with all their charms They called me their “Angel Benny” which was a delight Just come from heaven I wanted everything to be just right I was sad when they were sad and delighted in their giggles and smiles I wished I could stay with them and travel miles and miles To my Father Tom and Mother Tiffany whom I love and adore I felt your love and protection from the very day I came from above, and wanted more. Father I loved being held in your powerful Priesthood hands as I was given a blessing I had felt your love and strength and knew there would be no stressing. Oh dearest Angel, Mother as you held me to your breast I could hear your heartbeat again, which gave me comfort, peace and rest. I wanted to tell you as I looked in your eyes, so loving and kind That our time would be short, but that you would always be mine. Through tears, and hunger I tried to smile and smile I cherished each minute we had together all the while… Knowing the expected day would be here soon When angels and ancestors would take me from my room I was so blessed to be born of goodly parents who love the gospel true That they were sealed in the Holy temple for eternity and I knew… That because of this we would be together for all eternity All sealed by Priesthood power in a temple of God, brought certainty. I knew when I left we would be reunited because of Christmas, someday That because of our Savior Jesus Christ’s birth and sacrifice it would be that way Dear parents, you know in your hearts that this earth is not the end That even though with eventual separation, together for the eternities we will spend That night in November as I was put down for the night I felt peace knowing that my time had come, to not wake to morning light It’s not goodbye, but I’ll see you again soon! I know your hearts were breaking, as you gathered in my room. My spirit hovered to give you comfort and care I really wanted to stay, so the crib would not be bare But my ancestors and angels guided me back to my Savior above I could feel the peace and joy of His Infinite love I loved the tribute you wrote about my “tender heart”, smiles and love so true Especially the challenge for all, to serve others and the color blue Yes it is true I will be one of your guardian angels and be there for your sorrow and tears But I’ll also be busy being a missionary in the Lord’s army throughout the coming years So here I am in heaven this Christmas time looking down to earth I see your tears and family togetherness as your celebrate our Savior’s birth My message from heaven this day to my Parents, Grandparents and family below Is that I love you and will be near when you’re feeling low. It’s me…your “Angel Benny”
This poem stirred so many emotions in me as Tom and I read it. Thinking back to that November night when we last put him to bed, realizing now that he’d never wake up, brought me to tears. Thinking of how he’s not going to be here for his first Christmas just about pulls my heart right out of my chest. But then thinking about how we have the potential to be an eternal family somehow soothes the pain. Realizing that sweet Benny is still always there for us calms my fears. And remembering we have a Father who has a grand and all-loving plan takes the sting of the tears I cry over Benny’s death away. I’m so grateful for those reminders because I don’t think I could make it through without them.
Our family has received so many kindnesses recently. This poem especially spoke to our hearts and it was touching for us to think about it being from Benny. We’ve never really considered things from that perspective before, and it was such a moving and uplifting message. We’re so grateful for this poem and the thoughtfulness of our incredible, inspired cousin. Indeed we know this isn’t the end and that our sweet Benny will be our guardian angel now and through the eternities. Knowing that makes all the difference.
Even knowing what we know and believing what we believe though, we miss him so much. The loss is real and the grief is intense. This mama longs to hold her angel boy one more time and kiss his sweet cheeks. And I can’t.
But even though it’s hard, somehow it’s okay. Even on the really hard days, deep down I know we’ll be alright. I trust the Lord and I trust in His plan, and that makes days like today bearable. Not easy, but definitely not impossible. I’m grateful for that. It was a tough day, but in the end it was also an okay day. So many emotions, ups and downs and everything in between, but underlying them all, somehow…was hope.
Such a beautiful post! Oh how we miss sweet Benny, but it is comforting to know he lives on!