I’ve been thinking a lot about perspective recently. I’ve been trying to keep a bigger perspective on all of this and not get caught up in the sadness that exists in my limited mortal view. Sometimes it’s hard to do—okay most times it’s hard to do—but I really am trying because I think keeping a good perspective will help me in my healing journey. I also have been feeling that my perspective is within my control, and in a situation where so much has been out of my control, I’m clinging to that with all I can.
When all of this happened, I couldn’t help but think that for the rest of our lives, the holidays would be filled with sadness and heartache because it’s when we lost our angel boy. We’d put up our Christmas decorations the weekend before he passed away, including the holiday pictures we’d taken just three days earlier. After we lost him, I wanted to take them all down. I didn’t want the realization that he was gone. I didn’t want the happiness and joy of Christmas. My world had been shattered and I didn’t want the reminders that the world is joyful and I’m supposed to be happy. Because my world wasn’t joyful. I wasn’t happy. None of it felt right. But over the past couple weeks, I’ve been working on changing my perspective and in many ways, I’ve come to realize that Christmas is exactly where I want to be.
Instead of feeling like Christmas would forever be doomed for us, my sweet Benny helped me realize that perhaps the reason this happened so close to the holiday season is because the Lord knew we would need something joyful to get us through the sadness of losing our son. Maybe this happening at (what was previously) my favorite time of year is a blessing and not a curse, because at Christmas, the world is full of light and love and goodness, and those are all things that my broken mama heart needs. Maybe it’s a tender mercy, designed by our loving Father and enacted by my loving son. Maybe it’s more than just random timing. And thinking of it that way makes it all feel so much better.
As I’ve thought about this further, I’ve changed my perspective even more. Christmas isn’t just about joy and happiness. It’s about the joy and happiness that exist because of Jesus Christ. It’s about our Father’s gift of His Only Begotten Son. It’s about our Savior’s matchless life and redeeming Atonement. It’s a celebration of the beginning of His prophetically foretold mortal ministry. It’s a reminder that because He loves us, He lived and died and lives again for us. It’s an opportunity to remember the One who made it possible for me to be with my sweet Benny again.
It’s not just about the lights and the trees – it’s about Him. And I love Him. I trust Him. Especially now. He is the one who is getting us through. He is the one sending miracle after miracle, answering prayer after prayer. He is the one who reassures us that this is not the end and that if we live true to the blessings we’ve been given, we will be with our sweet Benny forever again someday.
The lights and gifts and celebrations this time of year are an opportunity to remember Him and renew our faith in Him. So maybe this wasn’t bad timing at all – maybe it was exactly the timing I needed.
Instead of tearing down the Christmas decorations and everything that feels joyful and happy, I want to surround myself with even more of the goodness and love that exist because of our Savior Jesus Christ. I’m embracing the season instead of running from it. I’m opening my heart to the miracle of Christmas because if ever I’ve needed it in my life, it’s now.
Why get rid of the Christmas items in our home that remind us of that silent night, when everything we believe reassures us that holy night changed our world?
With this new perspective, we’ve added even more lights and decorations to our home. It’s bright and wonderful and everything good that this holiday season represents. And in fact, I’m not sure we’ll ever take them down now because we’ve found so much peace these last few weeks in being reminded of Him – and being reminded that because of Him, we will see our sweet Benny again.
Sweet Isaac also helped me change my perspective recently. We were talking about Benny and I said that I missed him because he was gone. Isaac corrected me and said, “He’s not gone mama. He’s just in heaven.” Such a tender reminder from my sweet boy. He’s right. Instead of thinking Benny is gone, I can change my perspective and remember that because of Christmas and everything it means, and because of the covenants Tom and I have made, and because of the gospel of Jesus Christ, Benny is part of our eternal family. I never want Isaac or Zoey to feel like Benny is gone. We know he will be a guardian angel to them throughout their lives, and I want them to know he is still very much around, especially at Christmas.
So, instead of removing Christmas from our lives, because it’s a reminder of the time when we lost our angel son, I want it there every single day. Because none of this would matter if not for Christmas. None of this would matter if not for Christ. If not for Him, losing my Benny would be the end. But it’s not the end. He makes that possible because He is Wonderful. He is our Counsellor, the Mighty God, and the Everlasting Father. He is the Prince of Peace and I’ve felt His peace through this experience more than I ever have in my life – in such a way that is nothing short of a Christmas miracle.
Indeed Christmas is a time of miracles, a time of joy, a time of love, and a time of our Savior’s peace. Our Benny’s first Christmas may look different than we expected, but thankfully it can still be all these things. And thankfully my sweet Isaac reminded me that Benny isn’t gone – he’ll just be with us in a different way. I’m so grateful for these reminders from my two wonderful sons. Because I really do love this most wonderful time of the year.