Well it’s been one month since we lost our angel Benny. One grief-stricken, tear-filled, overwhelming month. It’s been a month full of what’s felt like the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. Honestly, I’m not entirely sure how we made it through and so much of it feels like a blur. But we have. And somehow things feel a little bit better. I’m really grateful for that and the progress we feel like we’re making. I feel like we’re processing things better and working through the pain and heartache better. I’m not even sure I need to write as much anymore, because the initial stages of processing are feeling a little more settled. Things actually seem to be getting better! It’s still not easy, but every day seems a little easier than the one before. The Lord is truly so, so good.
Today was a fairly decent day. I was worried it would be hard, being the one-month “anniversary” of our loss, but it was surprisingly okay. There was a lot of sunshine today, and I believe that was my angel boy shining down on us and reminding us that there is still so much light and goodness in the world. I miss him so much. Not a day, not an hour, not a minute goes by that I don’t think of him. But I’m glad that the thinking is starting to shift from darkness to light and somehow, through the Lord’s tender grace, from pain to peace.
Tonight we unfortunately learned of another family who lost their ten-month-old son to a tragic accident last week. Hearing their story brought up the deep pains of our own loss. We remember the feelings of those first few days – we still have some of them now. The hurt, the loss, the shock, the grief. It’s all so real and still very fresh for us. We admire this family for their strength and our heart aches for their pain. It’s a pain we know too well and which our hearts wish no one else had to experience.
As we were talking about this family’s situation, we were saying that it seems so unfair that other families have to go through the loss of a child. We lost our sweet Benny – couldn’t that somehow be considered “taking one for the team” so no one else has to feel this pain? Our loss is so profound, that surely it can satisfy the need for anyone else to lose their son too…right?
Unfortunately, no. Goodness, I wish that could be the case.
As we were having this discussion, I thought of just how much our Eternal Father must wonder this same thing. He sacrificed His Perfect Son – wasn’t that enough to end all suffering?
Yes, it actually was.
And that knowledge is life-changing.
If we are willing to turn to Him, He will not leave us comfortless. He will fill our lives with joy and peace beyond our understanding and beyond any pain we may suffer in this life.
Now, this doesn’t mean that our mortal lives will be easy or that we won’t still face struggles. But Jesus Christ gave His life so no one else would have to feel the eternal pain that inevitably we would have faced in this life without Him. Without our Savior’s atoning sacrifice, the sorrow we feel would be unbearable and inescapable. But because of Him, the earthly sorrow we face is temporary and somehow bearable. It’s real and it’s intense, and I can certainly testify to that over the past month. But at the end of the day, everything in me believes that this sorrow will be replaced with joy when I am reunited with my sweet Benny forever. And that will be possible because of our Father’s sacrifice of His Son. The pain associated with this mortal experience is escapable. Joy is possible – and I believe it’s coming. All because of Him.
It breaks my heart to hear about other families experiencing the same loss and grief that we’ve experienced. We’re one month into this journey and it hurts me to think others are just starting. Those first few days and weeks are beyond words. No one should ever have to lose their child. But what peace, comfort, and reassurance I find knowing we have an Eternal Parent who understands this loss and who will be there with us to face the pain. And not just be there, but strengthen us to somehow become equal to the ever-pressing and burdensome task of losing our sweet boy. I’ve felt Him there and seen how He’s sent others to remind us of His love and goodness. The outpouring of love we’ve seen is nothing short of remarkable. We’ve witnessed miracles and service and kindness beyond our imagination. The Lord is good and the people in our lives are incredibly good as well. That is how we’re making it through.
Well, we’ve got one month down and the rest of this journey to go. It’s certainly not easy, and we’ve still got a long road ahead of us, but we know that because of Him—because of Christmas and everything we celebrate right now—it is possible. We will make it through. We’re making it through. Because of Him. One day, one week, and one month at a time.