December 6, 2020 – Let it go

I love when I learn from my sweet babies.  Sometimes it’s a lesson about myself.  Sometimes it’s a lesson about them.  Sometimes it’s a lesson about a greater eternal principle that I’m grateful the Lord opens my eyes to.  I feel like I’ve had so much to learn lately. Whether it be during my walks with Benny or time spent with Isaac and Zoey, these tender children bless my life so much.  I feel I’ve learned more about the love our Father in Heaven has for us over these last three years than I ever did in the 37 I spent on this earth before that. Being a parent has opened my eyes to the incomparable parental love that I feel so blessed to have for my three sweet babies and given me a glimpse into the eternal parental love our Heavenly Parents have for us as Their children.  It has also opened my eyes to the incredible dynamic that exists between a child and a parent and the joy that comes through a foundation of trust and love.

This morning I was playing with our babies downstairs when Tom left for bishopric meetings.  When it was time for breakfast, I told Isaac and Zoey it was time to go upstairs.  Isaac bolted across the room and up the stairs, as he does.  The kid is fast and never, ever stops.  Zoey took a little more coaxing, because she wanted to bring up her new baby doll and its carrier.  (Talk about another tender mercy and goodness – yesterday when we arrived home after our trip to Arizona, angels from our neighborhood and family had cleaned our home, stocked our fridge and pantries with groceries, and left gifts for the babies.  It was like Christmas morning for Isaac and Zoey as they opened their gifts.  Such amazing and selfless people filled our lives with so much light last night, beyond the incredible lights that had been put up outside.  There truly are no words to express the goodness of so many in welcoming us home with such incredible love.  In stark contrast to what I’d been feeling and worried about, it felt so good to be home and surrounded by light and the people we love.)

As Zoey and I started heading up the stairs to catch up with Isaac and get them some breakfast, I could see that she was struggling trying to carry her new doll, its carrier, and its blanket. She’s barely learned to climb stairs by herself, and here she was trying to carry three other things that were almost as big as she is.  I stepped next to her and tried to take her baby so I could carry it and she could walk up the stairs herself.  As I did, she gave me a resounding “no!” and gripped her doll even tighter.  I tried to help her see that I wasn’t taking it away, but trying to help her get up the stairs a little easier.  I told her I’d give her the doll back when we reached the top because I was only trying to help, but in her toddler mind, she thought mommy was taking her baby away and she didn’t want to let it go.

Oh, sweet girl, your mama understands. 

Goodness, do I understand.

My heart was overcome with emotion as I saw this little scene play out.  It seems so obvious as I type it now.  Sometimes I feel like Zoey.  Lately I have been Zoey.  I didn’t want to let Benny go.  I don’t want to let go of my baby.  Like Zoey, I want to do it all myself.  Even if it’s impossible.  My mortal, toddler mind wants to hold on and never let go.  I’ll figure out a way to get up the stairs myself.  I don’t need help and I’m certainly not letting go.

But I have to let go.  I have to let it go.  I have to be willing to work through the pain and heartache associated with losing our sweet boy, because I believe the loving Parent in this story has a greater plan.  Just like I was trying to help Zoey by easing some of her burden as she climbed the stairs, I have seen in so many ways how the Lord has helped ease my burden through all of this. And just like Zoey, it’s amazing how much easier the journey is when I’ve got help.  She was up the stairs in about five seconds after she finally let me hold her baby.  I know it won’t be quite that fast for me, but I’m grateful to those who the Lord has sent to help me carry my burden and allow my heart to let it go.

I’ve had so many silent prayers answered lately through the people who have followed promptings and stepped into my life to help carry my burden.  Even when I’ve held tightly and been reluctant to let go.  These last few days, I’ve felt a desire to hold and snuggle a baby.  It seems somewhat counterintuitive, because I miss my sweet Benny.  But I’ve realized that other sweet babies remind me of him, in good ways too, and it may do my mama heart good to hold a baby.  It’s kind of an odd request for me to make of someone though – “can I hold and snuggle your baby?”  Not sure how exactly it would even be possible, so again it was simply a longing in my heart that only my loving Father knew. 

This afternoon, my sweet aunt Carla and cousin Caitlyn stopped by.  They initially were going to just drop-off a gift on the doorstep, but they decided to come in for a quick visit.  When Caitlyn came to the door, she had her sweet baby Logan with her.  My heart about burst.  Just this morning I had seen a picture on Instagram that Caitlyn had posted of baby Logan by their Christmas tree.  When I saw it, I knew that was the baby I wanted to cuddle.  I haven’t been able to meet Logan yet because of the pandemic, so I didn’t want to reach out or make it weird in any way.  But I felt such a connection to this angelic boy and my heart was drawn to him through the picture Caitlyn posted.  And then here they were just a few hours later, at my home.  Without any prompting from me, but just out of the goodness of their hearts.  Snuggling sweet Logan soothed my aching mama soul.  And hearing Caitlyn tell me about how Logan has been paying attention to a certain spot in their home ever since Benny passed away, as if he’s somehow connecting with his angel cousin, was just more than I could’ve asked for.  Talk about another silent prayer answered.  I’m not sure exactly what prompted Caitlyn and Carla to stop by, but I made sure they knew that they were on the Lord’s errand and answering a prayer that only He knew I had. 

Tonight our family watched the Disney Holiday Sing Along.  One of the songs was “Let it Go” from Frozen.  As the song was announced, I was reminded of the thoughts I’d had earlier with Zoey and how I needed to “let it go.”  But then my perspective changed.  In all the best ways.  Because tonight, the lyrics of that song had been changed for the holiday program.  And now I’ve realized why the message of “let it go” has been impressing so strongly on my heart today.

There’s so much I’ve longed to say
Then say it all, beginning with today
It’s like a dream I thought could never be
Elsa, you’re free

Let it go, let it go
Show us what you can do
Let it go, let it go
The magic one is you
‘Cause here we stand, in the light of day
Let the sun shine on

I take this warmth within and send it up above
Goodbye to dark and fear
Let’s fill this world with light and love
I’m here surrounded by a family at last
We’re never going back
The past is in the past

Let it go, let it go
And we’ll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
The fear and cold are gone
Here we stand, in the light of day
Let our true love grow
Let it go

Like I realized this morning, I do need to let it go.  But not in the way I was expecting.  This song reminded me that what I need to let go is my fear.  And my worries that I’m not strong enough.  And my anxiety that I won’t be able to make it through.  And my regrets.  Because by letting go of the darkness and fear, I’m able to “let it go” in a different and more powerful way.  I’m able to let love go out into the world.  And let the light of my sweet angel boy go out into the world.  I want to let it go for Benny.  And for my loving Savior.  I want to let their light and goodness go out into the world—through me as much as my simple self is able.  By letting my Benny go in this way, I actually think that I’ll be able to feel him even more closely.

So I’m going to try and show the world what I can do.  What Benny has done.  What so many others have done for our family.  I’m going to let the goodness go out into the world.  I want to fill this world with light and love, and rise like the break of dawn as this song says.  Or at least I want to try.  I’m going to try.  I don’t want to hold it all in. I don’t want to hold their love back by holding onto my fear.  I want to share Benny’s light with everyone around me.  And I want to continue to spread kindness and charity as they have been shared with us.  I want to let it all go, in all the most wonderful ways. 

I’m grateful for the motivation and resolve I feel through tender experiences like those I’ve had today.  The sad and challenging moments still come, but they’re being more and more offset by light-filled moments of happiness. And it’s making those sad moments more bearable.  And giving me the strength to let go of the sorrow and fear so I can let my sweet boy’s goodness and light go out into the world. 

Sweet Benny brought us so much love and happiness in his short five months.  I look forward to the day when we are together and I can see and hold his light again.  I miss him so much.  But until that day comes, which I believe with all my heart it will, I’m going to do my best to let it go.  To let Benny go.  In every way I can.  Out into the world with his goodness and light.  I’m confident his sweet influence will continue to bless the lives of so many.  So I’m simply going to do my best to let it go.